Stories from Parents
Taking life day by day
I have a preteen daughter from an anonymous donor. He is identity- release and she should be able to find him when she is eighteen. I'm worried because she is not curious about him at all, or the half-siblings we have found online. She has always known about her origin. I have an older child from my first marriage, had her while divorced, then remarried a few years ago. She refuses to call my husband "Dad." She has turned her hurt into a hard place deep inside of her. No matter what I do for her, it's never enough. I can't take away her pain and anger. Yet in every other respect, she is perfect.
Date submitted: March 30, 2015
A Different Side to the Story
I am the parent of 2 happy, healthy, beautiful baby girls who were conceived through the help of an egg donor. I am 100% open with them and will continue to be forever. I will listen to their thoughts, help them process their feelings and work hard at giving them all of the answers they seek to their questions. I am fully committed to this. There are no secrets between us and if it's up to me, there never will be. I firmly believe my girls have a right to know and understand their stories before the rest of the world does. And that means I'm keeping a secret of my own.
I don't share information about our egg donor journey with the masses. My family and close friends know. But on a daily basis, I hide. I hide the truth about why my girls don't look like me when someone asks. I hide my worry that one day they are going to hate me because we are not genetically linked. I hide the fear I have that when their questions do come to the surface, I won't be able to give them helpful and satisfactory answers. This hiding is hard and if I could meet our donor tomorrow and know it would be a positive experience, I would do it. However, she chose to be anonymous and when I've inquired, I've been told by multiple people that she'd most-likely want to stay that way even though she's given consent to be found when the girls turn 18�. 16 years from now. Really, we have to wait that long? I have to hope she can be found if they want to find her? I have to pray that my girls don't become heart-broked by someone they don't know on the surface but get their genetics from?
I am so grateful for my babies and know in my heart that G-d guided this process. But I didn't know it was going to be this emotionally challenging.
Date submitted: March 20, 2015
You can choose your friends, not your
Identity is what one makes of themselves. Unfortunately the word itself seems to have become a metaphorically overused label.
I shall only speak for myself.
To all who are donor conceived,
Please know however you came into the world, you were desperately wanted.
After trying to conceive "naturally," naively certain that "it" would happen on our first "try" our story changed. Our "child" was no longer going to be conceived in a romantic foreign land. Our "child" was no longer going to be conceived in our own land. In the ensuing months and years, our "child" was no longer going to be conceived in our own home.
Our "child" was going to be conceived in a lab, and returned to me in an operating room. Our "child" was removed from me in an operating room seven weeks later. She had never developed a heart beat. Many months later our "child" was going to be conceived in lab and returned to me in an operating room. Our child was removed from me seven weeks later. She too had not developed a heart beat."
One night as I was walking home I heard screams that could make one's "blood curdle." I was unfazed by the noise consumed by my own noise, the noise of hopelessness pummeling my head. As I continued to walk the screaming became louder, and louder...followed by the sound of a young boy's gasp for air after a blow to his groin. My blood began to boil. Right there before my eyes stood woman pounding her son, pulling his little limbs in an effort to cross the street towards the empty park. The boy clearly did not want to cross the street hurling his body to the ground screaming, "NO MOMMA PLEASE!"
I stopped. My body filling with rage, debating whether to say something..."STOP IT!" I yelled.
The woman fiercely responded, "Mind your own damn business!"
"Stop hurting him!" I yelled.
The woman looked at me strait in the eye, "he's my son, I can do what I f****** want!"
Seething with fury I glared back at her, "At least you can have ONE!"
Two months later I was matched with my anonymous donor. Three weeks later our child was conceived, and thirty nine weeks later she was born.
She is loved more than anything in the world. She knows that we do not share the same genes, and I am her BIOLOGICAL mother. I know soon she will want to inquire about her genes as do I. Whilst it may be for different reasons at least I hope to know so I can be there for her, as her mom.
No one is perfect. The "perfect family" does not exist. Should you find them, please introduce me.
Date submitted: March 16, 2015
Had kids both ways
I have two kids. My wife got sole custody of the first in a divorce. The process convinced me that our society does not value parental relationships, as it will break them for the most trivial of reasons.
My second child is from an anonymous egg donor. Before my divorce I would have been opposed to this sort of thing, but we now have millions of kids who have been cut off from their natural parents by the divorce courts. A few thousand anonymous donor babies seem trivial by comparison.
My plan is to tell the whole truth, but I have a dilemma. I accidentally learned the identity of the egg donor. I believe that she has a right to have me honor the anonymity of our contract. It seems clear that the anonymity was very important to her. But I also believe that the child has a right to know who the natural parents are. So I have to choose between competing rights. I am more likely to favor my child over some stranger that I have never met.
Your site has been helpful in understanding the different views.
Date submitted: March 14, 2015
I've read your stories... I'm a MOM.
Hello everyone!
I have been very carefully read all your stories of life as I want to be well informed and prepared, and do everything that my son not suffer and not feel cheated. I regret your suffering! I have done everything to have donor information, including a profile of his features and the personal tastes and genealogical tree and a photo. At the moment is all I have, but I will do everything to have all the information that I can about the donor that my son did not feel lost.
If ever my son want to know his donor, me and the other parent will help it at all! Never lie to my son, much less say that he does not need to know the donor for nothing. It is a right to know it. And above all I'll do anything to make him feel loved and supported!
I also intend to take a brother or sister to my son. Not only that, it is also our wish have another child, take care of another child, give love, but it is also important to us that my son does not feel alone!
I hope you find your donor, but remember it's just a donor, father and mother are just who created you and made everything for you, guys! And if you guys are here today is because you were very desired and very loved !!
I'm just a mom trying to do everything for her son and who loves him unconditionally!
Sorry for my bad English! :)
Date submitted: March 06, 2015
RE: Would you rather?
I am donor conceived.
It is estimated that parents don't tell their kids they are donor conceived up to 90% of the time. This is NOT good. Keeping secrets and lying to your child their whole life about something so important as heritage is NOT okay. They will have some sense that something is off, such as looking at their "social" father and not seeing any physical similarities or not sharing similar interests. Are you willing to put your guilt and shame before your child's right to know where they came from?? If you can, use a non-anonymous donor, that way your child can have access to medical records and information when they turn 18.
Please think of your child.
Date submitted: February 15, 2015
Would you rather?
My husband will never know what it is like to conceive his own child. We had been trying to conceive for 5 years together before we admitted that we needed help. We were told donor was to be our only option otherwise we would never have a child of our own.
We are currently deciding weather its worth while telling our child from an early age that we needed help or just keeping it too ourselves (no one else will know except us) and let the child grow up in a loving family not knowing any difference.
Using donor sperm is still a struggle that I deal with every day, not only do I feel incredibly sad for my husband, I also feel guilt that our child will have another mans dna.
If you could not know would you prefer it or would you prefer to know?
Date submitted: February 12, 2015
Letter to my son
I am sharing this here, as I have read so many very sad posts. Here is a story of joy. I will always tell my son the truth about his conception and what an incredible gift it was, and how thankful I am that he is here.
I hope that all of you find what you are looking for, and that peace and satisfaction will fill your hearts and lives. Whatever healing there is to be done, try to do the work to make it happen. You have a right to be here, and to celebrate your own existence and how it came to be. The social pressures of what a family "should be" don't have to define you or taint your identity or inner world. You are special and unique, and you had to be just exactly who you are. From that sperm and that egg and no other. I believe that the birth of a child is nothing short of a miracle. No matter how it happens.
I write letters to my son from time to time, and I will give them to him one day. Here is one I thought was relevant to share:
My Sweet Boy,
You just turned 16 months old. Your little pajama-ed foot found a place to settle on my chest, and I can hear your sweet rhythmic breathing as I write. I wake up to your sweet face every morning. So many mornings, you greet me with a smile and an enthusiastic, whispered, staccato "hi." You have no idea the joy this brings me. Your personality is really fun, and it comes out more and more each day. When you hear music you like or get especially happy or excited about something, you do what we call your "penguin dance." This consists of placing your arms stiffly at your sides and bending quickly, side to side. If you get really excited, some head twisting action is added, dipping and curving to one side and then the other; sometimes to the point that you topple over. You intensely feel the world around you, and you express yourself with the raw individuality and humanness that we are only allowed as toddlers. Before social pressure, before lying or omitting or telling the truth, before jokes and decisions and homework, before guilt and regret and temperance. You operate for right now. Moment to moment. And I experience this with you as time melts away and drags moments into pieces of forever.
It's funny, I think we can write poems and think we know what we are writing them about, and be totally wrong. Because our unconscious, or our higher self knows better. Lately I have been remembering a poem I wrote many years ago, though I didn't know it was about you, or have any idea what was in store for me. I wrote it at a time when I desperately hoped you were a sparkle in my eye...
Destiny begins...
One day you will rain in
When candles blow out in the wind
And cast leaves out with the winter
Streets of cobblestone you enter
Delivered in your meaning
An answer to our dreaming
You validate the pages
Covered in your name
And pages there are my sweet boy. Because I have and I will keep writing to you. So many pivotal moments came together just perfectly. And I didn't know what all I was getting at when I wrote that poem. There was a rain storm raging and wind howling the night the big whoosh came into the dining room, sending the dinner candle sprawling about...on the 19th of December. It was the night you were conceived. And that winter did rustle out all the fall leaves we didn't rake that year. And the streets of cobblestone, some exposed, some hidden, long forgotten under layers of asphalt or parking garage, crisscrossed around, between and probably directly underneath the Hospital women's pavilion where you were in fact delivered.
I truly believe that everything in my life before you led me right exactly, perfectly and precisely in line and in sync for your arrival.
Date submitted: January 10, 2015
Grandparent of Donor children
First to: Driven to Confusion -- YOU do have as father -- you may not have meet him but, you HAVE a father. We all do. My father died when I was 7 weeks old, of a brain aneurysm -- I never knew him, but I had a father. You have a better chance of knowing your biological father then I did. The truth is our fathers would want us to be happy and make the most out of our lives. My daughter is a lesbian and married with two children from donor sperm-- my grandchildren are the lights of my life. I adore them. Whoever their fathers are I thank with all my heart. They are a gift.
Date submitted: October 27, 2014
Deep thoughts for the donor conceived
I am a Donor Egg Recipient. I think there is a longing for something you are missing in your life. Frankly, it is not wanting to know the person who donated a single cell (sperm or oocyte). Honestly, you are putting off your happiness and who you have become to want to know someone who sold a cell of their body. The human race donates human tissue all the time (heart, liver, corneas, kidney, etc). What if someone donated a portion of their liver to save your child's life and now they want visitation rights to your child because part of them is now living in that child. I know you are hating this right now, but I am really trying to get you to look at YOU and realize you don't have to worry about where one of your cells came from. Be you, make who you are!! That is done through experiences not a cell. Who changed your diapers, who was up with you all night when you were sick, who made sure you had food and shelter and who are you hurting now because you are insisting you don't belong to them.
Our human nature is natural curiosity but we have to know when to leave some things alone and walk away because sometimes the relentless pursuit of something consumes us to the breaking point and destroys the happiness we could have had. Some of you are reading this and are thinking that you don't like your parents and you want to know your "real ones", well, you do and have since you were born. If you have such a desire for the donors then you are most likely the one putting the strain on the relationship with your parents. The donors receive money for cell donations and you were not you when they did, nor would you have ever been you with that person. Notice I said that person and not father or mother here.
Take joy in knowing that you are in existence and make your own way. Remember oocytes or sperm are not children, just cells. It took a loving relationship of the recipient to make the child.
Stop resenting and start living your life!!!
Date submitted: October 25, 2014
Words of advice
I will be the recipient of donor eggs, I have 1 bio child via IVF, We want to continue to build our family and this is the only way. I see alot of bad stories on here and regrets of donors. For those of you who the intended parent cut you out of there lives once they got your eggs, you should know that if you wanted to be apart of this childs life you should have drawn up a contract so that in no way could they do this to you. I feel awful for those of you who have gone through this, in a way friends took advantage of you and clearly no one was looking out for your best interest because usually there is attorneys involved and contracts drawn up. Our cycle will be completely anonymous, we want it that way and our donor has agreed she wants it that way too. Contracts were drawn up and signed, now if she wanted to know this child she would have put that into the contract protecting her interest, we wouldnt have agreed to that but she couldve had her attorney submit it. The reason why we will not be telling our donor conceived child is because we in no way want this child to feel any differently from our bio child, this child will look like my husband but not me which im fine with because my bio son now looks so much like my husband lol. For those donor kids that feel betrayed know that your parents had your best interest at heart for not telling you, it may seem selfish but they just didnt want you to feel different so keep that in mind next time you feel lied to or betrayed because at the end of the day they risked not only so much money but tons of emotions and personal sacrifice to get you, its not easy to look into your childs eyes and remember that biologically they are not yours but in every sense of the way they are, thats incredibly difficult and you should feel so loved from that.
Date submitted: October 15, 2014
So lost now........
I'm not a parent.
I've tried. I waited until I was mature, stable, and married to a man I love to try to have children. Without all the details, I will say I found out when I was 32 that I was basically at the end of my reproductive years. Only a handful of eggs, and they were likely no good. 2 years we tried to conceive with donor sperm, and suffered two miscarriages. Lastly we tried IVF and with extra and extremely expensive reproductive technology we conceived a biological child only to miscarry again.
I thought my next step would be to try to conceive with donor egg and donor sperm. I felt confident in the decision, now I do not.
I have been reading the entries on this site, and now I feel as though my only choice in life is to be childless. It would be a lie to say I didn't think about how a future child might feel, but cannot say I was prepared for the anger that they feel. I am blown away by the anger they feel. We always thought knowing from the start how they were created would help, but I'm not sure that anything helps.
It seems as though there is nothing but loss at both ends. I look at my eyes, hair and the way my fingers look, and would love nothing more than to look at my child and see the same traits. Look at a child and see a piece of me. I would love to wonder which traits of my husband the child will have. Will they have light hair, dark hair, light eyes, dark eyes, freckles, will they have curly hair like their father.
But I already love beyond comprehension any child that would come into my life. Any chance to love a child that was in my womb, kicked me from the inside, and was fed at my breast. How would that not be my child, how would I not be their mother?
Having a child is human nature, a biological drive and desire that is so deep and innate that it feels impossible to resist. I cannot even put it into words. When we say how "wanted" our child would be, it's because we sit here for years and watch couples have unwanted children, accidental children, mothers who murder their children, mothers who abuse, fathers who rape their children, and it seems there are so many who don't even want children, yet they have them effortlessly. It seems as though "wanted" is an offensive idea as well.
It seems adoption is a kinder option for the child. Unfortunately the world of adoption is costly and risky business. To try and try, and be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.
For the donor children, thankfully you will come from genetic parents who do not suffer from infertility. This might not sound like a good thing, but I also have a gaping whole in my heart that is hard for anyone else to understand. I long for something I'll never know if I can have. I will never have a genetic link to pass on. My family line will die at me. There will be nothing genetic of me to pass on to the world. Somehow I thought I was combating my selfishness by letting go of those desires, and I'm learning now how wrong I was.
I wish I had the answers. Maybe hearing you were "wanted" isn't that answer.
Date submitted: August 31, 2014
To give life
I've read so much pain in some on this site and elsewhere re donor/surrogacy children and my husband and I have been trying for 5 years - in some small way it is my hope that children of surrogacy or sperm donation etc bear with me and read all of what I say before jumping to conclusions - you may not have been born at all without so much extraordinary love willing you into this world - love, please remember this . This is not something that you should be grateful for, no, absolutely not, please, please dont mistake me. I just want to emphasise that you have been brought to life by love, the will of love (at least in most cases). Having come from a family where all four children were not wanted or loved and abused/neglected (and I know many many others that suffered similarly just because they were not wanted) please know - you at least have the gift that many don't have -having been wanted and loved (not an accident, not a mistake) Loved. I know that sounds strange because you seem to feel abandoned by donor but you are so loved! I would have given my right arm to have parents that loved and wanted me! Just a thought (I agree that transparency in the system needs to happen for everybody,s sake.)
A Risky Decision
My ex and I had our son by a known donor from a distant country. A donor who always expressed that he wanted us to be happy. My ex was a great father; he read to our son, changed his diapers, bathed him, studied with him and so forth. My son has fond memories of him. After 8 years, in spite that he was a great father, he suddenly changed towards our son.
For some reason all that time he states that he just believed this child was biologically his although he had zero sperm count. He said he started noticing that his son did not have his characteristics. Then, he began to reject him. Things got worse and finally an 18 years marriage ended. We got a divorce and he gave me paternity rights and the whole custody. At first he made it hard by asking me to change my son's last name in exchange for paternity rights and whole custody. Since everything was done legally, one can't just change a son's last name. To top it off, he does not pay child support.
He has no contact with my son. The same person who thanked me for making him a father became a stranger to my son and me. I do not go after him for child support more so when on the news I see parents killing their own biological children for similar reasons. He does not seem to be emotionally stable so I keep myself and my son distant.
The donor is now in contact with my son and are great friends. My son is his only biological son.
My son has matured quickly and feels compassion for his father. He expresses to not feel any hatred or hard feelings towards him.
As all of this sounds so sad, disturbing and confusing my guess is that he was not prepared to go through this process. He was not prepared to be a father in full. But then, �Who's to know? Signs were shown through the years but not at the time. It is a risky decision but one I for sure do not regret.
More from 'An Almost SMC'
I've written before, it was last fall. Steph from DC (also Belgium) kindly wrote a response. Thank you for your heart-felt thoughts, Steph. I wanted to give you an update. You will notice I am now writing under the parent category instead of 'partner, friend, other.' Two months ago I adopted six beautiful embryos in a very sweet open arrangement. The genetic family is a wonderful match, and we all feel so grateful to have found each other. I will have two embryos transferred in just 12 days. I have felt like I am living in a dream. I will have the opportunity to give these very tiny lives a chance at life. They will always know their story. These, my children of destiny, that I will carry under my heart.
Welcome to this world, little darlings. You are so wanted, so loved, so planned for. There is no greater gift than life, and it is my highest joy that I am able to give that to you. You will have no burden ever to 'make me happy.' But I know for absolute certain that I can give you both happiness and joy. Welcome under my heart. I love you completely, tiny darlings. Your Mama.
Re: To: To: Future Authors: A message
The last thing I want to do is start some kind of internet battle over a story collective site but I will say a few things:
1) The girlish British writing style in the two lesbian-parented posts were the use of the word 'mum', and the fact that both these posts were both ironically female and young. Then later in other posts (both in Donor-conceived section and Parents section), I've seen the exaggeration of words such as "so", and as I've seen the constant mantra of "I'm happy because I made my parents happy" or "DC kids should be happy because their parents are happy" and similar messages like this. And as you've said, in order to make such posts seem subjective perhaps the supposedly fake author would say "I love donning though I will not donate myself!" to say "I still support this industry, even if I will not participate". Keep in mind, the industry is already a growing multi-billion dollar industry, it isn't as if they are desperate for more people to buy sperm from.
2) I don't understand how you can be suspicious about the narcissistic posts made by the supposed mothers and fathers of DC offspring , and think they are fabricated to make them look like horrible people. You need to investigate other blogs made by cryo children. The parents of DC parents respond in similar ways. They preach on that Alana is full of bull, they say that DC kids ought to be grateful their parents spent so much money buying them, and that no one should tell them what to do. Personally I've had a conversation with a lesbian woman who had told me "You think people just buy kids for nothing?" and when I told her my feelings as someone who grew up without my father she had yelled at me saying (in quote): "I don't want to talk about this anymore!!! Your opinion is not universal, buddy!!!!!"
3) A 'professional posts' would automatically be suspicious from an industry, as you expressed. I would imagine that, like the websites that sell donned sperm, they would use testimonies from young people, especially young children. I've read testimonies from sperm bank websites from children saying things such as: "I know who my real dad is, and that's the man who raised me! I love him so so much, thanks to sperm donning!" it's the same enthusiasm, that's what I am saying. I've written well thought out responses or posts on various social networks spontaneously especially when angry or frustrated, so I don't understand you there.
4) It's not the posts that I disagree, with ma'am. There are plenty of posts on the DC section of this website that I disagree with. It's the re-occurring 'happier' posts that repeat the same messages, and tend to lecture DC kids in the same way, that seem to appear when the most critical stories seem to appear. As you have described yourself, you were looking this website after being distraught about the feelings of your own dc child. If someone is not distraught or upset about their conception, or they are not looking for their donors, why would they wander onto this site without typing in anything having to do with anonymous sperm donation or the feelings of people who were product? That is my point.
5) Despite your biased opinion as a parent who has used donated sperm, here's mine: there is everything suspicious about polar contrary posts conveniently appear after the most critical posts. Of course if such posts were as random as the critical ones, I would resume silence and respect the author's opinion. But when the author says the same thing at the end of every post in a similar way that the parents of the parent section do, I become suspicious. For instance, after 'The Business of Humanity' which explicitly told the story of what the author's donor wrote for his reasons to donate, (which was terrible and insensitive) and told parents and potential donors not do participate, Parents of Donor-Conceived Kids or Those Considering' wrote saying her donor said encouraging, sensitive and loving things, and that parents should do what they please, with little regard of the children. I don't understand how you do not see any suspicion in that yourself, especially since, as you have said, many of the posts here are supposedly 'spontaneous' and aren't made to counterargue previous posts.
6) I do not assume that all DC children should feel the way I do about my beginnings, I have an issue when society, media, people, and even the authors of the website try to demean my feelings, tell them they are irrelevant and that I should feel a certain way. I have issues when others try to compare me to others and tell me "They are happy with their conception, so why can't you be?" and I have an issue with propaganda.
Here is the difference between me and you ma'am, you, same-sex couples, and infertile couples are considered brave heroes in media and even extra-loving caregivers for how you brought your children into the world. At the same time, my story is hardly ever heard, and if it is heard, I am condemned and considered an abomination. These stories are some of the only ways for the public to know how me and others like me feel about our beginnings, and even IT is being attacked by parents who used donated sperm and eggs.
7) I haven't been on the podcast in God knows how long
8) Your story made the top pick, apparently too.
It was nice to chat, I hope you have a wonderful Easter
Date submitted: April 18, 2014
To: To: Future Authors: A message
I too have been quietly reading the posts on this site for about 2 years. The stories worry me because I have a son by ds who is now almost 4yo. I can't get them out of my mind.
I have never before felt compelled to post on this site, however.
Firstly, there have been many times when I too have wondered if certain posts were real - but not whether the 'pro-industry' ones were written by truely 'pro-industry' people but rather by people that are anti-donation. I have wondered this when I see comments that appear so clumsilily invalidating or insensitive to dc people that they are clearly hurtful and would do more harm than good to the 'industry'. If there is big business behind these posts surely they would have the 'cash' to spend on getting more clever posts written?
And then some of the recent ones by dc people who you think are "overjoyed" (if I am guessing the right ones you mean) to me seem a little bit uncertain - e.g. recent one where what is likely to be a young man (called 'Kevin') remarks at the end of his positive post that he won't be donating himself. And I am not sure what you mean by 'girly british'. I have scoured these posts again looking for evidence of a pattern in the style of writing and I see in posts on BOTH 'sides' 1/ writing that is mature, jargonistic and what you call "professional" (ironically, it is the 'professional' stuff you think is NOT from industry?) that I would give the benefit of the doubt to as being from older people who have read and been around the topic a lot and 2/ writing that is less well constructed and more youthful and spontaneous. I think it is ironically invalidating to write that these posts just can't be real. Any of the posts here may be fake - not just the ones that you don't agree with. And we do get the internet on this side of the pond!!
Secondly, there is nothing suspicious about contrary posts appearing soon after eachother. Exactly as I am answering your post now after a long time of never posting, people will be spurred to post when they feel they need to reply or give their own contrary view.
Thirdly, there is nothing suspicious about people finding this website - it is the first one that comes up on google in my country when you type in "donor conceived" (and yes, I did try from a computer I haven't read this website from before). There is also nothing suspect about dc people being curious about donor conception and their origins despite not having negative feelings about it. Look at the raw data from the 'my daddy's name is donor' study. What that shows is that a majority feel they have a right to information and that a majority feel ok about their origins - this leaves a large number of people who both feel ok but are at least curious about being donor conceived.
Fourthly, if there was really a campaign to post pro-industry stories surely there would be more of them? The balance (as compared to published studies - even the 'my daddy's name is donor' one) is very heavily tilted to the negative. Of course people who are suffering are more likely to post - but it is not surprising that others might also occasionally want to say something.
Lastly, I want to say that what does strike me also about your post are the facts that 1/ the website host has said in one of her podcasts that she does not want 'op-eds' or criticisms of other posters - yet that is exactly what your post and another recent post (re human rights) are. And your post has been given the 'top spot' on the front of the website by the host. I have avoided posting on this site until now because I didn't want ot tell my story (because I have been very uneasy, but am going to outline it now below) and only had 'op-ed' type things to say. So, trying to respect the ethos of this site, I posted on the host's own site. The post was a genuine question/criticism, whioh of course was never published (if I was being really paranoid I'd have noticed the conincidence of your post appearing very soon afterwards on this site) and 2/ that you mention that the host of this site is regularly 'attacked' - yet no-where is she attacked on this site and I can't find attacks elsewhere either - this leads me to wonder how you know all of this.
For the last year I have become preoccupied and unable to sleep as my son grows and having digested more and more of these stories over the last 2 years. I do not call myself a SM "by choice" as "choice" was not how it felt at the time. I do now realize that if I could have seen past my own grief at the loss of the relationship and the rapidly declining fertility that led me down the path I DID choose that I DID have a choice. I could have chosen to remain childless and gotten on with a different (emptier, for me) kind of life and would have survived it. Before I did it I found what I could on Pubmed and decided to travel to the UK because of the non-anonymity laws and other apsects of the HFEA regulations around 'donating' - infomration re siblings, non-payment, medical information etc.. I thought this would be enough. At each stage I asked my ex partner to change his mind, I thought he might. I have never thought of the 'donation' as being to anyone but me - my son does not have to be 'grateful' for his life and it was not 'a gift' or 'a donation' to him. I am wracked with mixed feelings of guilt and love and fear. I will have to try to make it work and validate whatever comes up for him each step of the way. I am beginning to realize that I will have to turn my back on reading websites like this because it is not going to help my son if I don't relax and lose the intense worry and preoccupation these stories are triggering. I think that I have a good grasp from reading these posts of what might happen (and what might not happen). I will have to be able to keep that in the back of my mind but respond to his reality and not live like we are in someone else's reality. Of course I was selfish - but that is between me and my son.
I am going to declare here that I do not like the tendency of a few people who are against donating to assume they understand what ALL dc people SHOULD feel and to assume they know what is in the minds of any or all parents who receive donations. And there are some who have been on both sides of the equation who are happy to totally invalidate other people.
It does also worry me that, in addition to his own, possibly negative, spontaneous and real reactions to his situation my son's reactions will be invalidated by strident people ON EITHER 'SIDE' who can't tolerate other people having their own points of view.
Date submitted: April 18, 2014
RE: Positive Story, from a Real Dad
You asked "is there anyone out there with a positive story...someone who is happy with their family, unorthodox as it may be?"
Why yes, yes there are many of us.
My wife and I conceived my son by using sperm from an anonymous donor, in 2005, and he was born in 2006 and is now in 2nd grade. We (that is, my wife, my son and I) are EXTREMELY happy, and would do it again in a heartbeat (in fact we tried, but we were not able to get pregnant again and are now too old). The only thing we would do differently is that we would choose a known donor, as you have done, because that is now more widely available and seems to me to be the better path.
I understand that a lot of kids conceived by DI are unhappy about their situations. Often this is because they were lied to about their origin, often it is because they have one parent and long for a second. And yes, sometimes it is simply because they wish they were conceived by the mother and father who raised them, or that they knew the sperm donor personally. The point is, though, that everyone has their own situation, and it is not wise to presume to know what's right for everyone based on one overarching rule that you think is right for yourself (e.g., "DI is never OK because only making love should make a child," or "DI is only OK if you keep in touch with the donor," or "DI is only OK if you co-parent"). Of course there are some people who feel one or the other of these ways, but that is a basis for them to make their own decisions about DI -- not to impose it on everyone else.
Indeed, we who become parents all want to bring our children into the best situation possible, but no one can offer a newborn child a perfect situation and no one is required to do so. Some families are short on money and others have plenty, some families have illnesses and others have great health, some countries have better parental leave than others, some people have a good network of family and friends and others do not. Some children are born with health issues that cannot be anticipated. Some mothers die in childbirth. Some tragedies strike as the child grows up. Some families literally win the lottery. Whether you choose to bring your child into this world by artificial insemination is just one factor in this incredibly complicated calculus.
So, to answer your question, emphatically again, YES, there are many of us with a positive story -- me, my wife, my son, my son's half-sister and her single mom and adopted sister (we found them on the Donor Sibling Registry), my wife's colleague and her wife and their two DI sons, and a few others I know who used this method. In fact, everyone I know personally who used DI appears to have a happy family, with kids from newborn to over 10 (so far). I think the happy ones tend not to blog so much about it because they are busy enjoying life. I just sometimes feel like chiming in so that people like you, who read the horror stories, know that there are successes as well. Like most things in life, your success or failure as parents is not predetermined by one single factor (like using DI), but rather with the whole situation into which you bring a child and how you behave going forward. Only you can decide whether you can provide the right situation for a child, and that includes deciding how the child will come to you.
Good luck!
Date submitted: April 02, 2014
RE: Positive Stories?
Dear Parent,
I just wanted to say, from what it appeared it seems you are a selfless woman with a big heart. Thank you. We need that kind of energy on this website.
Yes, there are some positive stories from kids who are the product of anonymous donor-conception, but I think you are confused about your child's situation and a typical donor kid's situation.
The situation you described yourself in is much different from the situation that the majority of donor-conceived children find themselves in, and that is: being the product of industry, human-studding, lies, and purposed anonymity. If your donor is known and involved in the life of your child then your child's outcome might be reasonably different from the kids who professed to never knowing their donor or their half-siblings, and being the product of a cold procedure geared completely by money. Most of the DC kids of this website, *never* (and I repeat NEVER) had three families throughout their childhood lives. Their bio-father did not have any relationship with their bio-mother; they never meet. The father was picked from a cataloger only known by his donor number. Most DC kids' genetic relatives are strangers to them. They had one biological family, and one social family. Most DC kids, to this day, are still looking for their relatives, and this is where the sadness and grief comes from: the torture of searching for your bio-father you may never find, and your other family who you may never know.
And for that, I don't think there is any need to worry in your case. Your child will be brought into the world with love and consideration; they will know their non-biological father and their biological one, while you and your husband both share the pleasure and joys of raising him/her together. And yes, three sets of grandparents, and three families. Now, I cannot guarantee that your child will be happy with the arrangement he/she will be born in, but I can at least say that the majority of DC children who professed sadness and grief were NOT born into the situation your child is going to be in.
I hope that answered your question. Have a wonderful day.
Date submitted: March 30, 2014
Positive Stories?
I am a parent who has come a long way down the even-longer road towards welcoming a donor-conceived baby into our family (with an ongoing, extremely positive relationship with the donor). After reading the heartbreaking stories on this site, I am now considering stopping where we are. My husband and I agree - we would not wish to cause anyone (particularly our child) suffering and it seems from this site that there is much suffering among the children of the donor conceived. I wonder...is there anyone out there with a positive story...someone who is happy with their family, unorthodox as it may be? Does it make a difference if the child knows the donor and donor family while growing up? I had thought, until now, that it would be a wonderful thing for a child - to have three families, to have so many people in the world who love you. With warm wishes to all the beautiful souls who have posted on this site. I hope you can make peace with your beginnings and live a fully and happy life.
Date submitted: March 30, 2014
DE for 2nd Child right?
I am 41, looking to use donor eggs to conceive my 2nd child, I have a 5 yr old conceived naturally and have gone through 5 unsuccessful IVFs for the last 3 years.
I am really worried about using an anonymous egg donor. I really don't want to not have any information about the genetic mother (other than the agency profile and age of the donor) to my child in the future.
So my question is on someone else's comment that they will give the child the option to search for their anonymous egg donor. How would you do that? Most clinics don't allow and don't even provide their names. How would you find an anonymous egg donor, by picture, where do you start from? If there is an option I might reconsider using an anonymous donor.
If given the choice would you have chosen a non-anonymous egg donor?
On the other hand, I am also looking for an agency that encourages non-anonymous donors but I am also really afraid of my child to rebel against me in the future and look for the genetic mother and abandon me, after so much me and my husband have been through.
Another concern is my 1st daughter, will the donor conceived child feel different about my daughter? Anyone in here that used DE for their second child?
This decision is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Fertility clinics make this so automatic after unsuccessful cycles but we are talking about people's lives, children, families. I am so worried about making the wrong decision. I don't want ever to regret my decision but want to think about all my child will need in the future and live with the peace of mind I have made the right decision for my family.
Date submitted: March 14, 2014
Parent to be?
After reading all the stories, which I accidentally googled out - I'm struggling with the decision whether to use anonymous embryo donation. There is no other option in my country, unfortunately, otherwise I'd definitely go for identity- release donors. The only info we will have is the physical features, education and age. This is such a difficult decision as no other option has been left for us- as in early 40s we're "too old" for adoption. We try to tell ourselves that we do NOT create an extra embryo for us, but use leftover ones who might otherwise not have a chance to live, but will that be enough to a child? I'm desperately looking for any feedback from people who were conceived this way but cannot find anything. However, if DC struggle with not knowing 50% of their genetic make up, then the answer seems obvious, it's even worse to not know 100%. I have a friend who used double donation (anonymous) - she decided not to say a word to anyone. I don't support family secrets but on the other hand - what is the child to do with this info?
Date submitted: March 08, 2014
I wish I had thought this through
Let me start by saying I ABSOLUTELY do not regret having my son. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I would never go back in time and change my decision to have him. BUT I am now aware that I have created a "hole" in his mind/heart forever by deciding to use donor sperm. At the time I was not thinking about the consequences for him at all. I admit fully my reasons were pretty damn selfish. I was lonely and I'm a very shy person who had the idea that I'd never meet Mr. right and I was not willing to go through life without having children so I needed to take action to have a baby before I got too old. I guess what it boiled down to was I was like those teen girls who decide to get "knocked up" so that someone will love them unconditionally. I thought I could provide enough love to this child and it would just be enough.I also kept thinking, "well my Dad was an A-hole drunk so it was basically like I grew up without a father. The only difference was that I actually know my dad and had a chance to develop a dislike for him. I took that option away from my son because I was selfish and I hope he will understand someday. I had this mindset that I'd eventually meet a great guy and he would be "Dad" to my son and we'd all live happily ever after. But I now realize it is not that simple. I initially decided I would never tell my son about how he got here because I figured I would have a guy who would be Dad and there would never be a reason for it to come up. I also didn't want him to think of himself as a freak/test tube baby etc. But like I said, not that simple. I have dated a couple guys but maybe I'm just destined to stay single because my son is about to be 7 and I'm still single. So of course he is well aware that he does not have a Dad. In general he's a happy child, he's super mellow,sweet, big heart, smart and he has everything he needs as far as food/clothing/toys and a ton of love from my family and friends. He is my entire world. My facebook friends probably get annoyed at how many pictures I post of him. But theres still this looming guilt I have for taking away his knowledge of the other part of his being. After talking things over with my own Mom I thought it's better to talk to my son about it in a way he'll understand. So here and there since he was 4 yrs old I've mentioned the "special seed"...all families come together in different ways etc etc. I know he does not fully understand but I thought he deserved to know the truth. As he gets older I figured I'd tell him things about the donor etc. I made sure to tell him he's not any different than any other kid, but that he just came to be my child in a different way than some other kids. I don't have a clue if I'm doing the right thing. Part of me (after reading some of the stories by donor children) wants to never mention it again and hope he won't remember these talks but instead tell him later on when he asks..that his bio dad was someone I was seeing and he left when I was pregnant but that he was brought into this world the classic way by a man & woman so he doesn't feel like a science experiment. But then there's basically a certainty that he will feel rejection and unwanted by this guy I was supposedly seeing. It kills me that he will now feel all this hurt and wondering throughout his life because I felt alone and wanted a child. He's so amazing and I really want advice as to how to do this if any donor children are reading this PLEASE give me some feedback. I want things to be ok for him. I would rather he hate me for my decision than to think some jerk left and did not want him, but at the same time I want him to feel normal.
Thanks for reading this.
Date submitted: March 05, 2014
Re: Before I do This
It is YOUR decision to make if you want to donate or not. I don't agree with the people that are against donation. Just be aware that you need to consider both sides of the issue.
To go through the process of choosing to use a donor is not an easy one. It is expensive and most of the people who do it are very committed to providing a safe, happy home to a child. They are not "maniacs".
I would suggest finding a site that is only for donors. That way you can get a more objective point of view. I think you are going to get a lot of people trying to talk to you out of donating on this site. With a few exceptions, that seems to be the trend here.
Date submitted: February 18, 2014
Re: Before I do this
I wanted to respond to the young woman who is thinking of becoming a donor. As a mother to a donor concieved child, I love my child so much. I had to use a donor egg. I am very grateful to our donor. My husband and I love our child very much. We are open with our child about the process. I will always be supportive of my child no matter what. We used an anoymous donor. If our son wants to know more, we will answer his questions and be supportive.
You have to go with your gut and know what you can live with. You know in your heart if donation is right for you. There is nothing wrong if you decide not to donate. It is a big decision to make. Everyone is different and have different viewpoints towards donation.
Date submitted: February 17, 2014
Embryo Ad & DC Parent
Hello I am the mother of a Donor Embryo little boy who is just totally amazing.
We had to turn to Donor Egg after learning that no one would let us adopt a child due to our age.
So after several DE cycles we finally adopted 12 embryos in the hopes that we would get siblings so they could relate to each other later in life but we only had one child with the batch. We have the full DE info but only paperwork on the dad. We intend to let our child know as soon as he is able to understand what is a mommy and daddy in the books.
We also are now finally pregnant with a DC child and we are also hoping to get this little one a sibling by doing another cycle in the near future. In this case we have all the info of the DS and we are in communication with the DE... so if one day our little one wants to talk to his genetic mom he will be able to and have all the answers wanted.
I also intend to find the mom of our son one day cause she was open to communication but so far the clinic said they could not reach her. And as soon as our DC & DS child is born I will do everything in my power to find out everything I can about the dad since I know everything about the mom. I will try and find out if he has other children etc. and see how far we can go.
I strongly believe in knowing where you come from and it doesn't have to be painful if this is an open communication.
I specially want to thank all the DE ladies and DS out there for the help in creating a family for those who so desire more children...
Date submitted: January 27, 2014
Why is it ok for you to donate your own children in exchange for profit? Why?
Why is it evil, corrupt and even illegal for a woman/man to give up her biological children to complete strangers in exchange for money and profit, but it is ok if it's under the term of 'donor'. Think about it, people, if you cut out the middleman, if you cut out the labs and technology and glass dishes... What entirely are you doing?
What if such technologies did not exist that separated the donors from the bedrooms of their clients? What if instead, these donor-men and women, who were selected from catalogers, had intercourse with complete strangers to intentionally impregnate (or get impregnated) and give up their donated-children on the day of their birth to these strangers in exchange for money? Meanwhile, they keep the sold-offspring's siblings, since these mothers or fathers them, but do not the children they offered to the strangers.
To add insult to injury what if these sold-parents cut off ties with the children they gave away, and denied being their mothers and fathers? And did it with a smile on their face and a sense of contentment and happiness? What if they choose to never speak to their sold-children again, and if these kids were to die, be abuse, or wander the earth to find their bio-parents, the donor-parents refuse to acknowledge their responsibility for putting them into such a mess, and insist since they did not want the children and donated them to strangers, they are not their responsibility?
What if these bought-newborns were considered 'donations' to the clientele, and an offering to them so the clientele can have the children they wanted?--well never-mind, I forget that's already happens, it's called 'traditional surrogacy'�my mistake.
The egg that you gave away to a stranger is no different from the ones that made your precious children that you care for so much. The sperm you gave away to a stranger is no different than from the ones used to make the children you loved. They come from the same man or woman, and even when you don't know it, even if you're miles away from your sold-child, they are still your sons and daughters, they will still end up on your family trees and pedigree, and they are still the sisters and brothers of the children that you choose to keep.
You reproduced with strangers, and allowed them to raise your children, not knowing what happened to your biological children, and only caring for the ones that you personally want.
You consider this parenting? If you were an alien watching the human species from the skies, and you saw this practice go on, would you or would you not consider this child-selling?
Changing your name to donor, won't solve the problem. It's simply a means of covering up who you truly are so you can sleep the same night with a clear conscious. You are still their parents, according to 4th grade biology.
Do you understand what you are doing? You're turning children into objects, you're telling this generation that children are disposable by abortion, and parenthood can be donated to couples who couples who have enough money to buy them. You're telling this generation that families are buyable, you're telling children that mothers and fathers can be selected from catalogs strictly for cosmetic and physical reasons, and making a family is not about meeting people, it's not about building relationships with people and reproducing with individuals who are loving, caring, compassionate, and devoted to their offspring. You're telling this generation, that reproduction can be shopped for and human beings can be made by the same technology that was use to synthetically breed cattle and bore.
How much more can you degrade children for profit? What deeper lows will this world go to?
Date submitted: January 24, 2014
Nothing wrong with egg donation
I am currently going through egg donation. I am 44 years old and have been trying to conceive for some time now. I started to see a fertility doctor to see if IVF/IUI was an option for me. Unfortunately I got bad news after a few blood tests. I had less than 1% chance of conceiving my own:(. My heart ached. I cried trying to come to terns with it all. I felt embarrassed about it. I'm a women. I'm suppose to be able to have my own babies. I decided to take some time and think about it and take it all in. After a couple of weeks my husband and I revisited it. I wanted to be able to think with my head and not my heart. We have decided to go through an egg donor. I feel so blessed that there is this option. I am living the life of women I would hear/read about. I never thought in a million years I would be here! When science and technology meet its amazing what can be done! It is not a secret what we are doing. I share my story with anyone who ask. I am blessed to have a very supportive husband throughout this whole process. We are so excited to become parents. I will tell my child. I want them to know what a precious gift they are.
With that being said, I am one lucky lady to have this option!!!
Date submitted: January 23, 2014
Hope
As I write this, my son is upstairs sleeping peacefully in his crib. My "Beautiful Boy" as I call him, just like in the John Lennon song. I sing this song to him before he goes to sleep and he looks up at me and touches my face while I sing. He is 8-months old. My son was conceived using an egg donor and my husband's sperm. We tried to adopt for more than two long years before going back to the fertility clinic for help.
My son looks just like his Daddy. Every once in a while, someone will say he looks like me and I just nod and smile, knowing that's impossible but not bothering to correct them. I see so much of my husband's family in my son. When I toss him in the air and his hair falls over his forehead, he looks like his Grandpa. When I'm teaching him something new and he is trying to process it, he knits his eyebrows together like his half sister (my husband's daughter from his first marriage). Sometimes when he smiles, he looks like his cousin.
When we selected our egg donor (I'll call her Hope, because that's exactly what she gave us), our first priority was choosing someone from a healthy family. Our second priority was to choose someone who resembled some of my physical characteristics, so that even if our baby didn't look like my husband, he or she would still look similar to the rest of the family. Hope is a lesbian and she said the reason she wanted to donate her eggs is because she knew that some day when she wanted to become a parent, she and her partner would need help to have a baby and so she wanted to help a family have a baby. She had such good intentions and I hope she still feels that way. I sometimes wonder if Hope wonders if we had a baby. We are so grateful for everything she did. I know it's not easy taking all those drugs and there are potential health risks. She will likely never know that she helped us bring this wonderful blessing into our lives.
I fell in love with my son the moment I saw him for the first time on the ultrasound. I will never forget how it felt to see his tiny heartbeat flashing on the screen before we could even hear it. I loved being pregnant and feeling him move and grow. He got the hiccups...a lot (he still does sometimes). I know that he is not genetically related to me. But he still is, and always will be, MY SON. I'm the one he snuggles next to when he's hungry and wants to nurse. I'm the one he cries for when he wakes up in the middle of the night and can't sleep. I'm the one he crawls to with a big smile on his face when I come home after a long day at work. He is MY SON and I am HIS MOTHER. I love him so much it makes my heart ache. I have never felt disconnected from him and I don't ever really think about the fact that we don't share DNA. I'm usually too busy living in the moment with my little man. I feel really sorry for the women with stories on the site who feel disconnected to their children who were conceived via an egg donor. I've never felt that way. We are so fortunate that our extended family and friends have been overwhelmingly supportive of our decision to have a child this way. I hope we are the norm in this regard and not the exception.
My biggest fear used to be that my son would be alone after my husband and I die. I hated to think that he would spend holidays alone and not have a brother or sister to call him on his birthday. I'm hopeful he'll have a family of his own someday but still feel that he should have immediate family. My son will know he was conceived with Hope's help and he should have a full sibling to confide in about how he's feeling. He should also have someone he can look at who shares his genetic makeup. For these reasons, my husband and I will be doing another IVF cycle with our frozen embryos in the hopes that we can give our son a brother or sister.
My biggest fear now is that our child (or children) will resent us for bringing them into the world by using Hope as our egg donor. Will they feel lost or disconnected to me? Will they feel that something is missing? Or...even worse...will they hate us? After we chose Hope, I made copies of her entire profile, including the photos, and put them into our safe. I want to have something to show my son if he ever asks about her. I would be totally OK with him wanting to know about her. It wouldn't mean he loves me any less. I would do anything I could to help him get his questions answered because I love him. I just hope he doesn't hate me someday. That would break my heart.
Date submitted: January 13, 2014
Get on board and do what is right
If you plan on having a donor child, be ready to accept all that it entails. Think long and hard before you do this. Yes, it is possible and most likely that your child will want to find the donor. Be ready for this. Be honest with your child from day one. Be ready to love your child no matter what. This is what being a parent means, unconditional love- no matter what. I pledge my whole life to give our child the best life I can. Be strong for your donor child and be an example of acceptance and confidence. Love yourself and love your child. Thanks for listening.
Date submitted: January 10, 2014
Untitled
I am pregnant with a donor baby and basically have butterflies in my stomach the whole time time. I don't feel like I am bonding with it al all. I wish it would miscarry and go away because it just doesn't feel right. The clinics don't go through this do they when they take your payment of �8,000 None of this is discussed. The whole thing just feels wrong to me. I did this for my husband. He so wants to be a dad.
People do have a right to know where they come from. It's a natural human instinct to want to know. But it's also a natural human instinct to want to pass on your jeans and have children. But if this cannot happen for couples, then that should be it. IVF fine, but using other people's eggs and sperm is wrong and a step too far. I feel what we have done is wrong. My husband has no idea how I feel. I feel very alone and isolated with no to talk to. Everyone expects me to be happy but I am putting on a brave face. I have been off work for weeks with terrible morning sickness and just want this baby to go away so that we can live a clean life.
I've even been thinking of aborting the baby without my husband knowing and then saying I miscarried.
Thank you for this site. It's the only site where you can truly say how you feel.
Thank you.
Date submitted: December 05, 2013
Almost there..
First of all - forgive me if my English is not quite right but it's not my native language.
After 3 rounds of unsuccessful IVF our doctor bluntly told us that the only way to have "our" child was to try either a donor egg or an adopted embryo. He said my eggs were "too old" at the age of 37, but with donated egg or adopted embryo i could fall pregnant and experience motherhood right from the beginning. We were thinking about adopting anyway, so the way he encouraged us telling that "this is like adoption but so much easier. No biological family involved, no procedures.." appealed to me. And although it was a bit uneasy to hear him say that "nobody needs to know and it's actuallly better for the child not to know" but I so wanted to hear that there is a real chance we can become parents after 7 long years of trying and to that- much sooner than waiting for the standard adoption process.
We decided on embryo adoption as this seemed more moral for us- just like an adoption but at an earlier stage. No info was given to us about the donors, but we didn't really ask too much. The doctor said "it will all be fine". No psychological counselling either.
And I did fall pregnant - and we were elated. But not for long, unfortunately.. A week or so after I found out i become to feel really sick. There was also something wrong with the pregnancy and suddenly the fear of a "strange baby" got overwhelming. It was as if both my body and my mind couldn't really cope with the fact of "someone else's baby" growing inside of me. i got panick attacks, horrible shivers and fever and felt so unwell that I wanted to die. And then suddenly it was over.. First i felt kind of relief, the "I survived" kind of feeling, but after a few months I felt terribly guilty as I thought the loss was in a way caused by my psychological state and the weird fear that got all over me.
I was in a therapy because I was suffering from PTSD after the whole experience. A psychiatrist tried to explain to me that some people simply cannot cope with a "strange" body parts after transplantations etc. But I felt guilty anyway..after all I wanted a child and had I been more emotionally stable, the pregnancy might have developed into a a baby. Our baby..
And then I started to read more about it and found this page . I read about the pain experienced by the grown up "bundles of joy" who didn't know half of their genetic family and I realised what my psychiatrist was saying that "a baby cannot simply be born out of nowhere", that this is so wrong at many levels. I began to despise the hypocrisy of the infertility doctors who were simply selling the embryos like commodoties, at the same time telling you that this will be your child and you should simply ignore the whole genetic history of the baby. i just wish i had known and realised that before.
To cut the story short - after I recovered, we decided on a "normal" adoption. Our boy is almost one and is the joy of our life. I'm so glad we have info about his biological family and he will have this knowledge too. I just feel this is his right.
Many thanks, Alana, for starting this project and raising awareness about human rights. Knowing your genetic family is a basic human right. What infertility industry is trying to do is to make money on the "production" of people who are intentionally deprived of this right. This is so wrong.
Date submitted: December 04, 2013
A gift is a gift - you don't take it back
If you donate your eggs or your sperm, you do it to help people. It's a gift. When you give a present to someone you don't ask for it back later on down the line! I am pregnant with a donor egg. I am grateful to our donor for her help, and what she went through. But she's not going to bring up this child - I am,along with my loving husband.
My husband and I have been through hell to get here and am sure as hell am going to be taking any nonsense from our donor in the future - should that be the case. There are risks if you don't tell and risks if you do. There are no winners. But these are the risks that people are prepared to take to be parents.
I am not so sure we are going the right thing messing with nature the way we do. I am currently worried sick and am not enjoying my pregnancy. My husband is just getting on day to day. He doesn't want to tell. I am the one carrying it and I am beginning to feel that we will have no choice but to tell. I don't want another woman interfering. I don't want MY child forming bonds with someone else! But I can also see how from the child's point of view that they would want to know. I lost two of my own children prior to this. One was at 16 weeks. Can you imagine? Donor conceived people often feel betrayed, well I shall tell you something - the parents do as well. Cheated, betrayed and let down by their fertility and their bodies. You accuse us of being selfish. Well why don't you take a look at yourselves? Is it not selfish to want to track down you origins, to want some connection to where you come from? How do you think your parents feel when you change your attitude towards them one you know the truth? How ungrateful can you get! Why don't you try asking them why they had to use a donor and try to understand their predicament.
All the empathy and emphasis at the moment seams to be geared towards the child and the donor. Parents are having to be told what to do and how and when to do it. The authorities are making it ever easier for people to track their donors down.
Honestly, the whole thing is feeling like a farce. Here I am, pregnant with a donor baby, but do you know what - it's not really mine! I can pretend at being a real parent until it's sixteen, and then I have to think "Oh well, time to let go. Time to let your real mummy step in". It sucks.
The whole thing is messed up if you ask me. I just want to be a mum and lead a normal life. Is that too much to ask?
Date submitted: December 04, 2013
Pregnant with donor baby - mixed up and scared
Reading all these stories makes me feel very sad, very scared and very mixed up. I am currently eleven weeks pregnant with a baby that was conceived with a donor egg. I am forty one years old. Never in a million years did I ever imagine that my child would be conceived via a donor. But here I am.
My husband and I started trying for a baby when I was 32. Nothing worked so we tried IVF. Twice. The first pregnancy ended in miscarriage after six weeks. We terminated the second pregnancy at fourteen weeks because the baby wasn't developing properly at all. It would have been cruel to have it. They never did find a reason as to why we couldn't conceive naturally.
When I was seventeen I fell over at college and hurt my wrist. The X Rays revealed that my bones were not formed correctly. I had a condition called Madelung Deformity and never thought any more about it. I actually put this information on the IVF forms, but NOBODY picked up on it - not even the consultants. At the age of thirty nine, after genetic counselling I found out what had caused this condition. Two of my chromosomes are the wrong shape. I have a rare condition called Leri Weill, but only have mild symptoms. The condition doesn't effect fertility, but has implications for bone and brain development. If I passed these genes onto my children there would be no telling how severe the abnormalities would be. Worse still, if they were passed onto a boy, it would be infertile with learning difficulties.
I am to understand that for a woman to get genetic counselling in the UK she has to have three miscarriages, so I was very lucky to receive it. However, if the root cause of my bone condition had been diagnosed during our first cycle of IVF, my eggs could have been screened for my condition. But by the time I found out, I was told that because of my age, my eggs would be too poor a quality to go through this particular type of screening. I felt very cheated and severely let down.
With a 50% chance of passing on these genes we decided to try egg donation. So here I am. 11 weeks pregnant and wondering if we have done the right thing. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time, but this is a donor pregnancy and I don't feel at all prepared for what the future holds for us as a family. The implications of what we have done are only just beginning to sink in.
Can I just point out, and I can't stress this enough - I think it's really important for people who are using a donor to think beyond having a baby and think about the far distant future. The questions. The comparisons. The responses. Will you want to tell or won't you? If you do, will you be able to take the consequences? How will you feel if the child that you have picked up from school, read bedtime stories to, baked cakes with and loved with all your heart suddenly changes the way they see you once they know the truth? I know for a fact that this would break my heart.
THIS SIDE OF THINGS ISN'T COVERED NEARLY ENOUGH BY THE HFEA OR THE CLINICS.
By the time the decision is made to use a donor, people have usually gone through sheer hell. My hell included loosing both of my parents either side of each IVF cycle. In the space of two and a half years I lost both of my parents and two babies. Using a donor was a way out and an easy answer to our problems, but not a decision that we took lightly. However, I wasn't at all prepared for how it would make me feel either. The questions that I am now asking. The worries and concerns I have about the future. Nobody warned me about this at the clinic. We should have researched it more, and the clinic should have made sure that we had done so.
The HFEA recommend telling early. But this too could have repercussions. I read one story on another site. The parents had told their little boy early as recommended by the HFEA. He couldn't get his little head around it. He's seven now and keeps saying, "So I have 2 mums, but you're not my real one. Where is my real one? Why can't I see my real one?" He is powerless to do anything about it until he is 16! The brother of a friend of mine is adopted. He was told early on and from the word go wanted to meet his real dad. He spent years building up a picture of what it would be like. When he was older he traced his address and arranged a visit. He was severely disappointed because his real dad didn't really want to know. It was a total disaster. But at least the son knew and had closure I guess.
I actually gave my husband the option of leaving me because I felt so bad for him not being a dad, but he wouldn't have it. So I did this for us - for my husband because I love him. We will love our child to the ends of the earth and will do what ever it takes to make it happy. If we feel it would be best to tell, then we will. If not, then we won't. But it will be OUR decision. Our child will have our love and support no matter what happens. It will break my heart if one day my child stops seeing me as 'Mum', but love is unconditional right?
Adoption / donor pregnancy. Neither of these are easy. There is never a good time to tell. As my baby gets bigger I think this through more and more. Whether we decide to tell or not, I believe that as a parent you make sacrifices. If my feelings end up being hurt in order to do what's best for my child then so be it. If we tell and our child want's to find out where it comes from, then we will support that decision, and we'll be right here if it all goes wrong. If it doesn't go wrong and a strong relationship is formed, then I will have to let go. This really hurts.
So, to all the donor conceived people out there - think on this. Taking the decision to use donor conception isn't easy. You may or may not agree with it, but whether you like it or not the option to do it exists. How do you know that it won't be you one day? For some reason parenthood with your own eggs / sperm can't happen. What would you do? Will you deny your partner who you love with all your heart the chance to be a parent because of your past?
Life is never easy and it's very very true.
Thank you.
Date submitted: December 03, 2013
Appreciate Your Input
As I read these stories of donor-conceived children I know it is time to begin the conversations with my two boys that they were conceived through a donor egg. Both of my boys were conceived from the same 'anonymous' donor, so they truly are brothers. My husband's sperm was used so he is truly their father, but my eggs were too old to be used. So, we found a donor through a fertility clinic in our city and ended up with our two beautiful boys. One is 7.5 years old (who is also autistic) and his brother is 5 years old and so far with no special needs. I would love input from those who were conceived from an egg donor on things I should keep in mind when we tell them. I do have information on our egg donor so that if they would like to pursue contacting her, I fully support that. I believe our donor also donated to 2 other families, so I am sure my boys have 'siblings' out there somewhere. We adore our boys and feel so blessed they are our children. But, I think it is very important for them to know the other part of their heritage. I want to be as open and honest as I can, they are very young, but my 5-year old will definitely understand. I am not sure how much my non-verbal autistic son will understand. Regardless, they need to know so that when they are ready they can decide for themselves how far they want to pursue any contact.
Date submitted: November 11, 2013
Indian Biological Mother
My partner and I just went through the process of surrogacy in India (a clinic in Mumbai). We selected the egg donor in 2012 from a list of egg donors provided by the clinic. Although I am not interested in disrupting the life of the egg donor, I would like to find more information about her.
We each have a biological child through the generosity of the egg donor (half brothers) and a picture of the egg donor. I know one day these beautiful boys are going to ask and I would like to be able to provide them with as much information as possible. We would also like to each them of their Indian culture and heritage. We know the egg donor was Muslim and had one biological child (one son).
Date submitted: November 09, 2013
@ "Puzzling", a response
Excuse the occasional capitalized words, this story-writing website does not have bold and underline as a font option. If you come across a capitalized word or asterisked word, I am not yelling at you, I am simply trying to bring attention to that particular word.
Thank you for your time. Now, to answer your inquires:
1) there is a famous way the system has been more adoption friendly to children in need and it is called "open adoption", where the children will continue to have contact with their birthparents throughout their lives in visits. Futhermore you seem to be missing the point of adoption. It's not intended, its warmhearted people taking in children who need someone to care for them, its not a purposely made "child-buying" market for the infertile couple to get a surrogate child to replace the child they cannot have. These kids don't have a choice but to be raised by people who are not related to them. This is unlike donor-conception where the entire ordeal was intentional.
I know you like to use the "well, what I did was bad, but other people have it worse" argument but the hole in your argument is this: There are indeed some parallels between third-party conception and adoption, but there are also key differences. Adoption is an attempt to IMPROVE on a tragic situation involving a child, whether it is parental *death*, *abandonment*, *neglect, or *abuse. While a donor-conceived child and an adoptee may both experience the trauma of abandonment and kinship separation, with donor conception and surrogacy, these separations are INTENTIONALLY caused by the parent. In cases of adoption, on the other hand, *orphans are NOT *intentionally* created in order to obtain "wanted" children. Similarly, money is not used as a tool to coerce or persuade parents to abandon their children in order to give another person or couple a child.
2) It saddens me that the emotional welfare of your child is put aside for what fits your budget. It shows your true concerns as a parent/mother/father of a child, but I'll still answer your question:
The complaint of there not being enough children in the adoption services is nothing less but complete nonsense.
There are millions of children in adoption in America alone, there are countless little heartbroken girls thrown into Chinese orphanages because their parents don't want them. There are so many kids in America who need moms and dads, that they are overcrowding the foster system because people would much rather manipulate nature in donor-assisted IVF conception than give a needy baby a fighting chance at love by two people who really want to be parents, especially young black children.
3. The donors are being paid for masturbating to porn, or the surgical removal of their eggs. Sometimes hundreds, most of the time thousands of dollars. They didn't help another couple conceive, even though that's the image you want to paint, its not the case. The father was paid to breed with a stranger, disown and abandon his own flesh and blood, while going home to the kids he does want. This man had his concerns on the satisfaction of his buyers and the check he was given for his services (as if this was a human breeding service).
As for your other overused argument, here is my response: if it hadn't been for rape, and drug abuse there wouldn't be the lives of thousands of children who are wanted to parents who adopt them from orphanages and fostercare. And if those drugs weren't used to make women easy prey and if those aggressive men hadn't trapped a underaged girl, those eggs and sperms would have been lost in menstruation and masturbation too. Should we continue to encourage men to rape women for the *potential children to exist so PARENTS who want to adopt can be happy? Or should we use our rational sense: accept children were born through this terrible way, and discourage it in the future? Same question goes for sperm donation.
I know this is a very hurtful and upsetting reality, and this message may go down your throat like a sugarless lemon, but here it is: You need to start thinking about someone else other than yourself... It's not about "how much *you* want a kid and your needs. Kids aren't emotionless slats and bred objects that exist at the mercy of the money in your pockets like furniture, they are human beings who deserve more to life than "making a couple happy" at their own emotional and possible even medical expense. They aren't pets, and parenting is *not about making children to fulfill your selfish needs. Parenting is about the *kids. It's about bringing children into the world in the most loving and considerate way and giving them your best, putting THEIR needs and THEIR wants first, before yours as much as you possibly can.
4. Contrary to your denial, there is indeed a third option as I had listed three sites at the bottom of my post "There are other options people..." that make parents and donors (co-parents) meet to split parental arrangements for the sake of the kids. What this blatant senseless denial of a "third option" sounds like to me is a just a obvious way of demonstrating how you much rather do what is more convenient for you, than what is most beneficial and greater for your prospective children.
A mom that purposely conceiving a child with a stranger, is nothing like the comparison you had of longing to be bigger than 5'10 or dreading your mother for not marrying a tall man. That comparison (rather you intended it or not) is very insensitive, coldhearted and shows the true colors of the selfish people who opt for donor conception as a parenting option. It also shows what 'selfless', 'un-self centered' appreciation you have for the wonderful man who gave you life and was involved in your life throughout your life: a luxury that many children (including myself) fantasize to have. And a privilege that many adult children like me are incredible emotionally, and depressed because we DON'T and never will know what that unconditional fatherly love is like.
You're basically saying this: "blah, blah, blah, even though I had a bio dad in MY life, and I have never experienced what it was like to grow up fatherless, I still am not considering you. You wish you could have had a dad in your life? Well I wish I taller! Too bad! I want kids and my wants dominate your physiological needs"
Honestly I believe that when Ms. Alana S. Newman was showing the feelings of her suffering minority group of individuals, she was probably expecting the responses to them to be apologetic; sympathetic; compassionate; supportive and understanding. However, you "adults" have predominantly demonstrated: selfishness, defensiveness, denial, and blatant insensitivity to the people you cause this avoidable burden on, solely because, its "all about you you you". How sad...
When you look into the mirror, you have the luxury to selfishly mope about how you wish your involved loving bio dad was taller, when donor conceived children look into the mirror they have the burden of constantly wondering who they look like, who's their half-siblings, who and where are their features are coming from, if their father knows or even cares that they exist and the torturing question: "why did daddy abandon me for money"?
A mom who conceives a child with a stranger did the deed on propose for herself, without any consideration of her children and may (much like you) have even known the consequences to her decisions but is so absorbed in herself, doesn't care. A mom who conceives with a short father may have done it because that was the only father she could have found who would have been an excellent supportive loving dad and provider to both their children. Dads can't help their height, but they do have the option of being in the lives of their children. And by the studies done by girls with father problems, and young men in prison, their presence does make a difference.
I hope this all answered your points. I hope you strongly consider what's best for your kids and not what's best for yourself. I also hope you realize that these arguments are nothing unheard of and have been answered a thousand times:
"Arguments in Favor of Donor-Conception"
http://www.tangledwebs.org.uk/tw/WhyWrong/ArgumentsInFavour/
Date submitted: August 18, 2013
Puzzling
I read several stories here, mostly from donor-conceived people, and I feel like something's missing. Several donor-conceived people talked about how they feel infertile people should adopt rather than using donor gametes, or how the law should treat donor conception like adoption--in other words, donor conception shouldn't be allowed unless it's not in the child's best interest to be raised by the donor.
To me, here's what's missing from those statements:
1. An understanding of adoption from the perspective of adopted kids. If you feel bad not knowing who your genetic father is because you were conceived with donor sperm and raised by your genetic mother and social father, how do you think an adopted kid feels? They were deprived of ALL of their genetic relatives, not just half. Why is that "better" than "only" being raised by half of your genetic relatives? In other words, why should your parents have "just adopted" a totally unrelated child rather than conceiving you?
2. An understanding of adoption from the perspective of infertile people who want to be parents. There are more people trying to adopt than there are kids available for adoption, and many reasons that people who would be good parents end up not being allowed to adopt (or not being able to afford it--donor sperm is 20 times cheaper). It usually takes years to adopt a child, because although there are a lot of children in poverty in the world, most of them are not legally available for adoption. Also, you can be rejected as adoptive parents for all sorts of reasons (not rich enough, one or both parents has some health problem or other, you're single, you're gay, you're over 40, yada yada). In Germany, for instance, it's impossible to adopt if EITHER parent is 40 or over. And most countries that let children from that country be adopted abroad impose age limits too. And then there's cost. I'm just mentioning all this because these facts are what lead a lot of people to use donor gametes.
3. An understanding of donor conception from the donor's point of view. From their point of view, they're helping someone (the child) exist who otherwise would never have existed, and they're helping parents have desperately wanted kids. The alternative is not for the kids to be raised by the donor; if the donor didn't donate, that egg would've been lost to menstruation or that sperm would've been lost to sex or masturbation. There wouldn't have been a child at all.
There is no "third option" where the donor raises or helps raise the kid, because the donor would not have agreed to participate in conception if that had been a possible outcome. The child was not "deprived" of that because there was never a possibility that, say, a college student in California was going to help raise a child conceived and birthed by a complete stranger on the East Coast or in Europe. It's like saying I was "deprived" of being 5'10" because my mom chose to marry a short guy. There was never an option for me to be 5'10"; I was either going to be short, or I wasn't going to exist at all--since if my mom had married a tall guy, she would've had different kids than the ones she had. And I actually did briefly resent my mom, when I was like 12, for not marrying a tall guy--for about 20 seconds, until I realized that if she had, I wouldn't exist.
I'm curious to know what donor-conceived people who think donor conception is wrong or selfish think about the above 3 points. From their posts it doesn't sound like many of them have ever really thought about them.
There are other options, people...
I'm not a donor-conceived child, but I know of some children in my lifetime who were devastated about the absence of their biological father.
A relative lost hers to a trucking accident, she still grieves how she will have no dad to see his grandchildren, to walk her down the ail or to be proud of her accomplishments. she goes on about how he's half of who she is, and the reason she is alive.
I knew a boy growing up, who broke down and sobbed in tears when admitting "He ain't know his daddy". He was being raised by a single mother, and his father ran off before he was even born. (Hmm, sounds familiar..)
I know of a girl raised from birth by her lesbian aunts, act out in school, and get frustrated and angry her daddy didn't want her and she doesn't know who her brother is. She hasn't meet either of them!! Has this affect her? Of course. Growing up she'd fuss at me and my brother for yelling at each other -- saying we should appreciate what she (who doesn't know her siblings) doesn't have, ,and love each other. She was so sweet, it'd make me feel guilty at times. Then when my christian mother (I'm agnostic mind you, so don't think every person who is against donning kids is a christian person), would make us pray, she'd ask this neighbor girl why she was so hurt and angry. And the girl would fuss about her dad; how he skipped out on her and how she doesn't know who she looks like when she goes to the mirror.
It's real people. The kids aren't alright, if you seriously believe that, you're naive and out of your mind. Your reality check can be the PDF "My Daddy Name Is Donor" study, or the hundreds of orphans who struggle with this emotional burden you all purposely put on *your children to fulfill *your emotional needs.
Yes infertility is hard, and frustrating (I would know), but is it worth being this conniving, manipulative and selfish to get what YOU want: pregnancy and DNA-relation? Ok, yes those are nice (a bit overrated if you ask me) experiences, but does that benefit the child? That YOU got to do all the things you wanted?
hmmm... How about if Skippy wants to celebrate Father's Day with the actual father who gave him life? What if Skippy wants to write a accurate human family tree project without emotionally breaking down? What if Skippy doesn't like getting information about his missing biological father off the internet when he is in his mid-30s struggling with identity crises? What if Sally wants to look like her mom when she's growing up? What if Sally and Skippy want to have a relationship with their flesh and blood, too?
Hmm... does any infertile couple who opts for donor-conception ever even consider Sally and Skippy's point of view, or is parenting all about what the PARENTS want? Their needs and their wants and THE CHILD is just a object who is suppose to be loyal to them (no matter what) and perform how the parents expect them too? Sounds pretty lame to me, just saying. If Genetic-ties with your children was so important you that you completely rejected other people's babies (ie. adoption) and were willing to pay thousands of dollars, fly all over the freakin' world and buy semen from strangers WHY the heck would you not think genetic-ties with parents wouldn't be as equally important to a child? Is the child some naive aggressively loyal pet who will never question the decisions their parents made or who they look like, as long as he is 'loved'? *Shaking my head* All I can say is that you all's 'love' extended to your personal needs, past that, your love did not show selflessness, consideration and S-A-C-R-I-F-I-C-E. (Yes, after reviewing the hurt pain and silence of the donor-conceived, I AM being very judgmental on their oppressors)
Any way, I completely diverted, I wanted to say this: there is a cheaper and fairer alternative to donor-conception, and that would be co-parenting. It's when you co-raise the kids with the father/mother. It's the fairest way anyone who wants babies but can't do it with a partner (for whatever reason)can do to make emotional insurance for the child. There are a handful of websites that cater to parents who want their own kids but are EXTREMELY considerate for the needs, wants, and desires of their children too.
Here's an except from a gay dude:
"Dennis' story
Reconciling being gay and wanting
to be a dad was a major issue for
me. I'd always loved kids and the
possibility of not being a parent was
a major source of unhappiness. I can't
quite remember when I decided that
I wouldn't let it stop me but I do
remember the relief when it dawned
on me that I could still be a dad.
For me being a biological parent was
really important but I never really
considered surrogacy. It was never
really an option because of the fact
that I really wanted my children to
have a full and proper relationship
with their mother... " (SO HE MADE AND
RAISED HIS KIDS WITH A LESBIAN COUPLE)
Now onto the websites:
"LET'S HAVE A KID"
-- http://www.letshaveakid.com/
"MODAMILY"
-- http://modamily.com/
"CO PARENT MATCH"
-- http://www.co-parentmatch.com/co-parenting.aspx/
With every intent of respectfulness I would encourage you all to be super considerate of your child's needs, and put them as TOP PRIORITY.
Real Dad Part Deux
Occasionally a storyteller on here tells no story at all, but instead posts a diatribe about how wrong it is -- not for her specifically, but for anyone, and thus for me -- to start a family by donor conception. I am glad she is not my boss in life, and I resent that she thinks she should be. Why is it wrong for me to overcome a medical condition and have a family? Because her religion or some other personal moral code she has lived by tells her so? Should my parents have refused my cancer treatments when I was 10 because I was supposed to die? Please. Hence my second submission here, which will include at least some story.
I had cancer when I was 10, and I expected that I would be infertile as a result of the treatments. My wife knew this before we got engaged. We decided we would try to have a family nonetheless, and after we finished law school and had been married several years, we investigated the options. We settled on donor insemination for a combination of reasons: it was the least invasive (I could have tried surgery but it may not have worked and could have added years of effort and thousands of expense for no result); it was the least expensive (adoption would have cost tens of thousands of dollars which at the time we did not have); it was the most likely to succeed (we've known people who spent years unsuccessfully trying to adopt); it was the least likely to be unpredictable (no guarantees I could have been helped by surgery or that adoption would pan out even if selected by a birth mother); it allowed my wife to experience pregnancy and us to supervise the pregnancy with an eye toward the baby's health; and of course, quite obviously, it allowed for my wife to have the genetic connection with the baby that my azoospermia precluded me from having.
No question that making a baby the old-fashioned way would have been our first choice because it would have provided the best balance of all of the above considerations -- and gee, maybe that (and the fun aspect) is why a fertile couple almost always chooses to conceive by having sex. But having to use a donor was simply one drawback among a set of circumstances that overall led us to conclude that becoming parents was the best choice for us.
And we were right. My son is now 7. He is brilliant and sweet, and he loves art and books and mom and dad. We send him to a very expensive private school so that he can enjoy smaller classes and better resources, since he is like a 10-year-old in a 7-year-old's body and would be bored to tears in a cookie-cutter public school class of over 20 kids doing what would seem to him like baby work. He stole the show at his piano recital even though he hates to practice and even though we really don't even enforce his promise to do 10 minutes a day. The game he chooses to play most on his iPod is chess (and OK, Temple Run is second, but everyone needs a guilty pleasure). This is a good, happy, impressive kid living a happy life -- and his parents are happy, too.
The fact that my son is donor conceived has never come close to causing problems for us. We've told my son about his origin since birth, and he feels like he has always known. He could hardly care less about that -- he is much more concerned with reading the next Percy Jackson novel in his 5-book set. My son may never care to know more about his origin than he already does, but I realize that there is a risk that one day when he is older, the donor issue may become significant to him, and even significantly troubling (with that in mind, I actually found out who the donor was through some creative google searches using information the donor gave to the cryobank on his questionnaire, but I will leave it to my son to decide what if anything to do with that information when he is older). Whatever the future may bring, it will be bringing it to a loving family that is well equipped to handle it.
Who dares tell me that my family is "wrong" and should not exist because I chose to become a parent despite my azoospermia, and thereby brought my child into this world while aware of a potential concern that may or may not even bother him when he is older? All prospective parents -- even people who are able to become parents without any medical, legal or social assistance -- must decide when if ever they should bring a child into a world with less than a perfect situation. I could say that people who make less than a certain amount of money should not be allowed to have families because they will have to make sacrifices and not provide a financially perfect life. I could say that people who did not go to Harvard should not be allowed to have families because they won't be smart enough, or have an alumni connection to get their kids admitted there. I could say that people who might ultimately decide to get divorced should not have families now, while they are still together, because it will not be a perfect situation if they ever split. But I won't say those things, because it is not for me to decide what's best for other families based on what I have managed with respect to my own. And even if you won lotto, have a spouse who is guaranteed never to leave (or die), and pass great genes onto your all-natural offspring, the kid that comes from your mutually perfect loins might just emerge imperfect himself, or discover that the world outside of your perfection is not so perfect. Do you get my drift here? No parent brings their child into a perfect world, free of drawbacks and risks. We all take our situation and make the best we can of it.
It is one thing for a person to decide not to use donor conception for oneself; you may personally consider the drawback of your using a donor -- and of course it is a drawback that you should be aware of and consider -- greater than the benefits in your calculus of considerations. But it should be your personal evaluation of your personal situation that leads you to your personal decision. When you declare that what YOU would not choose to do is therefore wrong for ME (and everyone else in the world that you would like to rule), well then, you are gonna get an earful from me. Or an eyeful.
Infertile Couple & Donor Sperm
When we got married, my husband and I were so excited about having a family. I always knew that he would make an amazing Dad � he is so kind, generous, patient, hard-working and a great role model. We were utterly devastated when things did not go to plan and my husband was eventually diagnosed with azoospermia (he has no sperm of his own).
We initially considered adoption but it is not really an option in Australia -there are almost no local children available for adoption and only a few international adoptions are allowed each year. We were informed that, if we put ourselves on the adoption waitlist, we would have a 1/10 chance of receiving a child in our lifetime. It has now become apparent that donor sperm is our only realistic hope to raise a child. We have spoken to councillors and psychologists, doctors and IVF clinics in an effort to make sure that we understand all the issues and implications of going down this road. We have decided to go ahead but to always be as open and honest with our child as possible from an early age.
We asked my husband's brother if he was willing to donate but unfortunately his wife opposed the idea. We understood her sentiments and knew that it would be difficult for her to watch me pregnant with her husband's biological child. We are now about to use a de-identified sperm donor through our fertility clinic. This means that we will not know the identity of the donor but our child will be able to find out the full identity of his / her biological father at the age of 18. We will have a choice of about twenty donors and will be provided with profiles of each including general information about the donor, a summary of their family and medical history (some donors also choose to provide other info or photos).
Our clinic has a six month long waitlist to access their sperm donor database and we have just reached the top of the queue. Next month we will choose a donor and begin IVF. We are so excited that our dream of a family is getting so close. However we are also very aware of the potential issues involved for the child and know that we will always need to be conscious and supportive of him / her in this regard.
My biological father left when I was quite young and has no connection or bond with me because he never made the effort. In contrast, our child will not have his / her biological father present but will have two present parents that make every effort, that want and deeply love him / her and are 100% committed.
We will always be extremely grateful for the generosity of the sperm donor. I don't know whether we will ever meet or how I would even start to thank someone for helping us to make our family without any tangible benefit to himself.
Mom of a donor egg child
I read carefully many of the entries of the site trying to understand how some donor children experience their conditions of conception and birth. These feelings serve me as an egg donor mother to think about how to tell my daugther her coming into the world. She is two years old now but I started telling her as soon as she was born.
I am in favor of non-anonymous donation and I truly regret I haven't had the chance to thank the donor woman that allowed my daughter and I be together in this life.
True, we do not share some of the genes (all human beings share 95% of our genes, actually). The genes she inherited from the donor (sorry, not biological mother) will determine, partially, her external appearance.
Are family roots significant? Of course, including the genetic origins but they are not the only relevant source for one's identities -- identities that are multiple, varied and change over our life course. But family roots are also those related to your up-bringing so I hope I can transmit to her not to be overly obsessive about genetics.
Date submitted: February 20, 2013
Access Denied
14 yrs ago I was in a new marriage, with a wonderful husband and 2 gorgeous children from my previous marriage, and I was on the threshold of acting upon the yearnings to have a child with my new husband, especially as he was such an amazing step father. I felt he deserved the right to have a child of his own.
Firstly, as I had had no problem at all becoming pregnant when I was younger and in my first marriage, I didn't foresee that there would be any issues this time.
I did fall pregnant a couple of times, however these pregnancies ended in miscarriage each time. Every miscarriage brought with it such heartbreak and a new strong determination to succeed the next time.
My doctor suggested I go and see a fertility clinic and a specialist in this area.
So off we went and had blood tests and ultrasounds and seems both of us (my husband and I), seemed to have every test known to man. Well that's what it felt like.
I then was told I would need to have IVF.
I was given maximum doses of hormones allowable and was producing the grand total of 5 eggs. 3 of which would fertilise, however because of the low quality of my eggs now that I was 38, the cells simply could not divide fast enough to support life in my embryo's.
I never had enough embryo's to freeze any so each time I went back to try for another pregnancy I had to do the whole IVF hormone injection thing again.
We did this 3 times and I did not fall pregnant once.
I did have one more natural pregnancy in between IVF cycles however this also ended in miscarriage.
Well, I was hooked by this stage. To come this far and give up? The yearning was worse than ever before.
The doctors at the fertility clinic told me that my eggs were no longer viable.
Depressed and inconsolably sad and bewildered at my non existent fertility after 2 yrs of "pregnancies" and hope - I gave up.
Then one day about a month later I bumped into one of the nurses from the clinic. I was telling her that there was no hope.
She suggested donor eggs. All my hope came rushing back. Really? There are people who will give you their eggs?
Yes she said but being that in my country there is no financial gain for the egg donor and the whole IVF process is so invasive and difficult, our egg donors are far and few between, however I could go on a waitlist for a donor.
I contacted the clinic and they said yes I could go on the waitlist but that was "years' long. I was already 40 now. I didn't have years to wait and hope and dream.
They said to me that there was another way if I was prepared to advertise for my own donor.
I was more than willing to do this.
I ended up with one woman responding to donate anonymously. A couple of women who knew me asked if they could donate their eggs to me.
Although grateful for their kindness and good intentions, I simply did not want a donor who might drop in to visit me and look at my child as if he/she were their own. Nor did I want my child to grow up with some dark secret that he/she was in fact my friends child and nor did I want to hide something as huge as this from someone I knew I would love so much. Ie my child. For me, love does not exist if deception is thrown in. Love and deception simply don't mix.
Of course presuming I would fall pregnant with the use of someone else's eggs, we went with the anonymous donor.
I was so very very grateful to her ( I still am). I know what she went through to donate her eggs having been through the whole process 3 times myself. It was HUGE for her to do this for me and my husband and not even know us.
Should this have sent me warning bells about this industry? Maybe. However I was too far gone and lost in my yearnings.
Even my husband gave me an out. He said that if we didn't get pregnant it was ok. We still had my 2 older children and we would just focus on them and we would have lots of holidays etc... live a self indulgent life.
I was on a roll though and deep down we both still really wanted our own baby.
I received great quality eggs from my anonymous donor.
I fell pregnant on the 2nd attempt with an embryo from her egg and my husbands sperm.
After another 38 weeks we had our baby.
Of course he was the most beautiful baby that was ever on this earth and we were and are such proud parents. (not excluding my older children!)
Oh I love this little guy so very much that there are no words to describe. Every part of him is cherished in exactly the same way as my biological children.
I just wanted to make this clear before I go on because I am going to be completely honest in a way that many people call hypocritical and often produces angry comments and fear of having to acknowledge that children created via sperm / egg donation actually factually belong to another family's genetics and history. There is no way in which we can pretend these facts away. These children are who they are and while we parent our donor conceived children as we would our own and we love them no les... Are we entitled to deliberately take them from their own biological families?
I started wondering about this.
I would look at my child and wonder how much of him was like my donor and her family? I wondered many things about his personality, his looks, the things he did.
I wondered when I walked down the street if I might be passing my donor- his biological mother (genetically and factually speaking), and don't get me wrong I wished with all my heart he was completely mine- mind, body and soul.
I began questioning donor conceived adult people who I would seek out and interrogate as to how they felt. Initially I was appalled at how ungrateful many sounded, that they were given so much love when there were so many unloved children in the world. Most of them were well educated, had loving homes and professed to love both parents who brought them up. However they also still yearned for their biological family. Mothers, Fathers, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Siblings, Cousins etc... Some even had a couple hundred possible siblings because of sperm donation not being regulated in early days.
Well you know... what about my child? I was beginning to see some logical reasoning behind all this. I then checked out adoptees and they felt the same about their families.
The difference to adoptees was that usually they were adopted because of some catastrophic situation where their biological parents were unable to keep them.
Donated children don't have the luxury of an excuse like that. They are given away or sold in some countries before conception with the intention that they be created to live with another family. More often than not donated / sold anonymously by a donor who has absolutely no idea of what kind of home or parents or values this intended child is going to grow up with.
There are not anywhere near the same requirements to have someone else's baby through egg/sperm donation as there is to adopt someone else's child.
Why is there not certain criteria in every country of the world as to the suitability of a child being placed in the care of the recipient parent? Of course I acknowledge that one of the donor conceived persons parents is usually (but not always) a biological parent as well though the recipient parent is not screened and the fully intended child is from a different family in this respect.
Anyway a few years ago we went on and found my anonymous donor.
She wanted to meet us too. She fell in love with our son as soon as she lay eyes on him. She said he was special to her and she would love to know him as he grew and play some part in his life.
I did welcome this. Over a period of time we met other members of his biological family. I remember clearly one day when our donor visited and she brought her mother along. I remember feelings of jealousy(?), envy(?) surge within me with the realisation that I was the only person in the room who was not biologically related to my son.
And there was so much evidence in front of me. He looked a lot like her. His fingers and toes are exactly like hers (which is the very first thing I noticed) and he moved like her.
I could not help but love her also which I think stemmed from the total unconditional love that I feel for my son and seeing them together brought such raw emotional feelings because it was very hard to separate their likeness (them) and the knowledge that she in fact is his biological mother.
I had to keep my focus that I was doing this for my son's well being and this was hard to do at times like this because I just wanted him to be mine however I felt a strong responsibility towards him because it had been my "choice" that I take him from his bio family. I owed him this knowledge.
At the same time I am proud to be given the opportunity of being his mother.
My older children are proud and happy to have a little brother whom they adore.
At this point in time my donor had not had any children of her own. After meeting my son, she wanted children of her own. Yes I think strong emotional feelings were also stirring within her.
She went on to have (so far) 3 children of her own. Sadly her partner and her decided that they did not want their children to be brought up knowing my son as a half sibling. They told me that I was not to tell my son that their children were half siblings. I argued that my donor had wanted to be part of his life earlier and that I could not "untell" my son what he had already been given knowledge of. He had met a few members of her family and has an ongoing relationship with his biological grandmother. Even if I wanted to abide by their wishes it would be impossible to undo what had already happened and what he already knew. For me, this was not an option anyway. My love for my son is unconditional; there is no room for deception and secrets in our relationship.
I may not be his biological mother but I am his mother and I will be someone he can trust to always act fiercely in what I believe to be in his best interests.
I am angry for him that he has been given away twice. Once as an egg with intention of becoming a human being and again as a child. How do I explain to him why he is not wanted in their lives without causing him pain?
On the other hand had I not grasped this opportunity of giving him knowledge of who he really is would he have one day felt contempt at the deception of not having this information about himself? My answer is yes this is what I believe. I have talked with many donor conceived adults and believe me they know most of their lives that there was something amiss and many feel a certain disconnection within their families and much falls into place once they find out the truth. Had they had the opportunity to grow up knowing who they really are and having opportunity to form bonds with their own bio families would this have made the difference for them?
One popular argument for the use of donor conception is that many many children in this world need to cope with loss of biological family through all different kinds of circumstances ie. Death, separation of parents, unwanted or unplanned pregnancies etc... and these kids cope. Ask if this is ideal? No it isn't BUT it mostly isn't planned either. In donor conception this IS planned.
I am finding now that I look at internet sites and there is a new age of recipient parents out there "making" it all ok in their minds to continue with this practice by accepting anonymous donors (eggs or sperm) and then registering their children therefore doing the best they can to ensure that their children have access to biological family at age 18. Is this good enough? Their children may still never find a donor that doesn't' update information or does not want to be found. Why are they finding it so important to attend to these registers? There must be a reason behind it. Could the reason be that they know that it should be the childs right to know bio family? Why then accept anonymous human reproductive parts? There seems something strange about accepting donor sperm or eggs, getting pregnant, creating a child and then rushing out to make it all ok by registering the child to be able to find out about themselves at 18. This is too late to find out who you are. Teenage years especially are emotional roller coasters and this is a lot for a donor conceived person to deal with when information about themselves is denied. We do not ever "own" our children. They are people, humans in their own right.
Does all this sound complex and confusing and full of emotions and impossibilities? Well this is just one story of hundreds of thousands.
What are we doing to those we profess to love most?
Of course the majority of these kids do have very happy lives so what can be so bad? Well... they mostly haven't had time for it to all register as yet and for many this may not even happen until they have children of their own and want to give their children their own unique family genetic information or a connection with blood lines, however without family bonds and relationships in place it is merely paperwork and the loss is real.
Yes I can see exactly why we recipient parents are seen as making selfish decisions. As with my story it all started with my feelings, my wants and what lengths I would go to to get what I wanted. My infertility was not reparable so I used someone else's. Whilst it got me what I wanted, it is wrong on so many levels. Not to mention the health risks. This is one thing I don't get with the whole fertility industry. They pump us full of what can be dangerous and life threatening drugs with the intention of bringing a child into our lives, or maybe an orphan, should these drugs end up being detrimental to our health. What is the point of that and how ethical is this? Clearly the child being created here is not being put first and foremost.
It is my conclusion that the technology we have to create children is way way too complex for us humans to deal with. Should we just accept our infertility or should we continue to take children from other biological familes and make them ours? In our own minds that is because the reality is that dna and genetics can not be changed no matter how we choose to think. These children created by donors can never really be anything but another link in the donors family. Another generation of that family.
Now the above story is of course my thoughts and feeling and mostly "my story".
With the loss we know that adoptees feel and the joy and tears and heartbreak of families finding each other after many many years. The instant connection they feel when they meet a sibling and the deep sorrow they feel for not having had the opportunity to know one and other- why do we continue to try and make it ok to do the same all over again- INTENTIONALLY?
Wanted Child
I had never planned on being pregnant. I had always wanted a child, but had planned on adoption.
My husband had never planned on having children, but then ended up married to his first wife and had a son. Having his son changed his life and his attitude of having children, he wished to have more. However, he got a vasectomy at his wife's request and they divorced.
When my husband and I were dating I was concerned about two things, our age difference (we are almost 20 years apart) and his view of adoption. My previous boyfriend of several years was against adoption. My husband was excited about having more children, whether through pregnancy or adoption, but he wanted them before he reached 50. We talked and decided we wanted to adopt a child under 3 years old first and then adopt 1-2 older children after that. After looking into adoption, though, we were disheartened to find out the costs of agency adoption and the waitlist for social services adoption. Oddly our insurance offered infertility assistance (but not adoption assistance). I knew that people had conceived after vasectomies using IVF/ICSI.
I was hesitant with going through IVF. I had never thought about being pregnant. After much discussion, we decided to try IVF/ICSI. If the first round failed, we would get on the waiting list for social service adoption and try IVF again as well. While getting tested for IVF, we found that my husband's hormone levels were quite low. We were informed that in order to proceed with IVF/ICSI, my husband would have to have the sperm extracted by TESE (cutting open the testes and extracting tissue). Even with that invasive procedure, we were recommended to set up a donor sperm backup. The doctor's felt the chance of collecting viable sperm from my husband was around 20%.
Faced with this new information, we started to look at donor sperm. My husband was the one who preferred to use it. His family had some medical issues that he was concerned about passing onto our child. My initial response was "no", it seemed a little creepy and I worried about how my husband would feel with a child that wasn't his biologically. But he reminded me that he was okay with adoption and this was just a different version of adoption. We decided to forgo the IVF and simply try an IUI with donor sperm.
For us, choosing a donor wasn't hard. Our reproductive clinic only worked with three sperm banks. We chose a donor based on physical traits similar to my husband and whose interests were similar to ours. The first donor we looked at we both liked. We reviewed others, but in the end, went with the first one. He was a new donor and his sperm had only become available 6 weeks prior to our order, so he had no confirmed pregnancies. Before the IUI our clinic required us to get a Psychological consult since we were using donor sperm. She asked questions about how we felt going into this (was it a choice or did we feel it was the only option), how our families felt, and would we be open with our child.
We explained our desire to adopt and how we view this as a variation of adoption. We wanted to be open with our child and specifically chose a donor who was open. We told our families who responded with happy "we just want a baby" comments.
We were allowed to proceed and I am happy to say our IUI with donor sperm was successful. Several weeks after my positive pregnancy test I checked back with the sperm bank. In those few weeks, another positive pregnancy was reported.
Currently I am 19 weeks pregnant and everything is going just fine. My husband is so giddy about the baby and loves telling people that we are expecting. We are both excited about the chance that at least one other person might conceive with the same donor sperm. We both hope the other parents will be willing to exchange information and possibility to allow the children to meet someday. I've already collected information to register with the donor forum from our sperm bank, as well as others that I've found online. We want our child to know about potential biological siblings. I am hoping to find a group locally of other folks who used donors to get their children, so that our child can see that they are not the only one. Our child will get access to some sort of donor information when they turn 18. Both my husband and I hope they will be able to contact the donor.
It is funny, as much as we are excited that our child gets to have this whole other world in their life, at times we forget how they were conceived. We find ourselves making comments and wondering, will they have dad's height, dad's big nose, or dad's charisma?
We worry about how our child will handle this information. I believe it is normal to want to know about the people you come from. My husband and I knew with adoption that would be an issue to be addressed. But we figure this isn't much different and we will do the best we can to support them. We will let them grow up knowing the truth and let them make the choices they want in investigating siblings and the donor. We'll try to expose them to children who were conceived by donors or brought into a family by adoption. And most of all, we'll keep telling them how much we wanted them and how much we love them.
Optimism and Confusion
I am already a mom of one wonderful 5 yr old son. I know I want another child. I've actually wanted another for about a yr now. I'm strongly considering using donor sperm. I read through many stories of children wondering about their father. I never knew my real father. He left when I was 3 and my sister was 1. My son rarely (maybe once a yr) sees his dad. I didn't make poor choices. We were married and both military. How was I to know it wouldn't work out and he would choose to go overseas. To leave the country without any regards to his first born. These are situations where the dad chooses to neglect the child AFTER the child is born. I understand that most donors are choosing to ignore their children, but at least it's before they ever meet them. Before they should have fallen in love with them.
I want to bring another child into my loving home. I can more than afford another child financially and emotionally. At least my child won't feel the hurt I felt knowing that their dad met them and still chose to leave. One day I hope to meet someone who will love me and my children. Someone who could be a good role model to them. He doesn't have to be their "dad."
This was not intended to hurt anyone. It was just a justification for my choice of donor pregnancy. I've been planning and I'll start trying in January.
A lifetime yearning
I was the child of a womanizer. My mother fell in love with a man who would never grew up and I paid for it. My parent's marriage lasted only a year and I always lived at my mother's family home, where I always felt strange and very much an outcast. Both of them were my biological father and mother, but I don't recognize myself in them. My dad was more an uncle than a dad and he forced me to act as if we were living together and happy.
For years I waited that the promises he made would become true, because he brain washed me with the fantasy that sometime we would live as a family in a house of our own.
Since I can remember, I didn't want to get married, but to have a kid and to raise him or her with love, something I had not experienced, because my mother is a "dry" person. She did not receive love and did not know how to give it to me. I felt always more of an annoyance and thought that I owed my mum big time for the sacrifice she had made having me.
I grew up and fell in love, but always with abusive men. I had breast cancer when I was 35 and survived. I tried to get pregnant with a couple when I was 40, but I had two losses. Then I tried alone two times, with IVF and my own eggs, but they were already old. Three years ago I had an IVF with eggs and sperm from donors. And a miracle happened when I thought that the only thing I had really wanted in my life was already too far from my reach. A beautiful baby boy came in to my life. He is two and a half years old and I could not love him more. I know that what I did comes with a huge responsibility. I devote my life to him and it is no sacrifice, it's what I always dreamed, to raise a wonderful human being. I know that adoption was an alternative, but in my country, like in others, it is very difficult and there is always the chance that the biological parent appears and takes away your heart.
I have given a lot of thought to the issue of how to explain to my kid where he came from. I think that I could have been much happier if I had not had a dad like mine. Sincerely, I would prefer to not have had any.
I am a teacher and see how the children suffer because of the indifference of the biological parents. The stories that some people share might have to do more with the fact that they didn't feel the love and care of the parents, were they biological or adoptive.
My boy is a happy kid who loves his mother, his grandmother and recognizes his family. He knows I adore him, not only because I say it to him, but also because I demonstrate it in every way possible. I don't know if I will ever tell him the whole truth of his origin or only about the kind sperm donor who helped me to become a mum. I don't like lies, all my family, friends and colleagues know about the IVF, but only my mum knows about the egg donor. It is really complicated and I have come to believe that some truths are more harmful than helpful. What to tell and when is something that I had to think about and I plan to go to psychologist and ask for help. Maybe he will help me to find some answers.
Thank you for letting me share my story.
Mamamilagro2 (=mummiracle2)
Searching for Yehoshua
Hello to you my dear friends.
My situation is like yours but it's a little different. Some of you are children looking for your parents, well I am a parent looking for my child. I want to encourage you by saying that your journey, pain and searching all has meaning and it's not in vain - even if you never find your biological mom or dad. Because you have love and yearning there is meaning to your suffering. It's not in vain, neither is your searching and your sacrifice. I applaud you for having the courage to even come to this website and tell your story. You are special, unique and worthy of love, especially a parent's love.
3 years ago my wife disappeared with my little baby boy and I don't know how or where to reach him. It is anguishing for me not to hold my son and look in his eyes and be that loving, nurturing presence in his life. Since you the reader have wondered about your parent, if they would love you and care for you if they knew you, or if they could have something to impart to you let me answer as a parent who desperately wants to be in their child's life. The answer is that deep down parents want their children in a way that is deeper than mere words. Deeper than words I say. There isn't a minute that goes by that I don't think of my child.
Even though you may not know it yet, your story has a redemptive purpose. I really believe that you can be a force for good in the world if you set a goal for yourself. The world needs people like you who can overcome suffering and let the world know that there is hope, even in the darkest times.
Yeshua (Jesus) came to earth to save you by becoming a forsaken child. "My G-d, My G-d, why hast thou forsaken me?" he said on the cross. You don't have to be fatherless in this world, because G-d wants to be your father. When you don't have hope and when you just feel like life is meaningless you can always come back to Yeshua, knowing that G-d loves you.
G-d bless you!
Date submitted: February 14, 2012
We have children...
I married young and have genetic and biological children. They are a blessing. That marriage ended and years later I met a wonderful man. We were older and knew my ovaries were unlikely to do the job but he came to me without any children of his own and he wanted kids and I love kids and so we decided to try to have kids.
I'm blessed to be the biological mother of our children. The genetic bit, the blueprint if you will, came from another woman who donated. I'm OK with that. I wanted HIS kids to love and I got to gestate our children and so have that biological connection. The genetic link isn't irrelevant but it also doesn't matter to me since I got to pass on my genes already. The gestational influence is pretty substantial since all the "switches" to be thrown were done by my uterine environment.
When they are older, they can seek out contact with their anonymous donor and I hope they are pleased with what they find.
Meanwhile, I'm blessed to have our children.
Date submitted: December 05, 2011
I worry about my daughter
Don't think as a parent I don't worry or realize what I have done. I have brought my very much wanted and loved daughter into the world not knowing who her father is, and that will be frustrating for her. It puzzles me at times cause I am sure some of her little unique traits are from her Donor Daddy. I know my parents, siblings, grandparents, great grandparents so I can't begin to understand how she will feel not knowing all of hers. She is a unique child in our family. The only grandchild and very much adored. She was born to a Choice Mom. But as I had the choice of having a child now or quite possibly never having one, I choose to do so with a donor. I know his donor number, his nationalities, hair color, hat size, etc. I know what he is allergic too, who he resembles in famous circles. I have his medical history up to the time he donated, and his parents and grandparents as well. We are in touch with 9 of my daughters siblings thanks to the internet and donor posting boards. I will register her with the Donor Registry and am very open to knowing her donor father if he ever wants contact. Do I wish that I had found an open donor? or could afford to have tried with sperm from a bank that gives out identity when she is 18? sure... but the costs were beyond my bank account.
I hope knowing about and hopefully in person her donor siblings at some point will help her filling blanks and connect not only with other kids who have a donor daddy, but are 1/2 biologically related to her. Knowing other kids who have a donor daddy I think will be key in her identity. I hope to connect with other Choice mom's as well. I plan to do everying I can to answer her questions. But no, I will never know exactly how she feels. I am guessing from reading postings she will always feel a missing part of her identity. But perhaps not... just like some adopted kids don't feel the need to find their bio parents.
As a Choice Mom it is no secret as to how she came to be nor will it ever be. Do I hope to have a Social Dad for her? sure... but with my luck dating it is still only a hope.
I plan to share fairy tales with her about other types of families. We never know who Snow Whites parents are, or who Cinderella's dad is. The Little Mermaid and Belle from Beauty and the Beast didn't come from traditional families either. I hope that knowing her bio-siblings will help. I plan to ask her how she feels about being part of a unique family and listen when she probably will get mad at me about it. But I will do my best to be an amazing mom and give her all I can. Do I wish we were a 2 parent household and she was part of someone I love deeply? absolutely... I know that for lots of reasons those types of households are the best. Do I think ours will be a bad place to grow up? absolutely not.... life holds no guarantees.
I had friends growing up from divorced families,blended families, one where 3 girls were being raised by their dad and mom was someone they only saw once a year, and... one friend in particular never had a dad that I knew of, and she was bi-racial with a white mom. No one ever gave her a hard time about it. She didn't have a dad.. so what, we didn't care as kids. WE all knew he had to be black... but it was really a non-issue. I hope to surround my daughter with people and other kids like that. Ones that don't really care she doesn't have a dad at home.
I just hope each of the donor kids out there know that the donor had a reason for helping us have you....and we really wanted to be your parent, and am glad he allowed us to do so.
Date submitted: August 25, 2011
We used a donor and a surrogate to have twins
My husband and I met and married late; I was in my forties and he was 14 years younger. We wanted children and I got pregnant right away, but had a miscarriage. Nothing happened after that, so we consulted various fertility specialists and went through various procedures and mishaps. After the fifth specialist, we gave up hope of having our own child. By then, I had developed another medical condition which made it impossible to even carry a child.
After I met a friend who adopted a child, we decided to do the same thing and visited two adoption agencies. I also used the Internet to search for more adoption info. It was while looking for adoption info that I came across egg donation and surrogacy. Before that, what we knew about surrogacy was related to the "Baby M" case, ie, the surrogate mother decided to keep the child she was carrying. Since the baby was also her genetic offspring, the courts granted her visitation rights. We did not want to risk this, so ruled out surrogacy. By using an egg donor as well as surrogate, we would not run this risk.
I also was concerned that our future child might resent not knowing about his/her genetic background, so I made sure that the egg donor and surrogate would be open to contact.
We were fortunate. We have beautiful and healthy twins. We've kept in touch with the donor and the surrogate, and set up a Web site where they and the twins' grandparents can see photos and get updates. The kids met their donor last year, but they were too little to remember so we took lots of photos. When they get older, we plan to take them to meet their surrogate as well as their donor again and resolve any questions they might have.
Finally, I'd like to address the issue of egg and sperm donors giving their "babies" away by donating ova and sperm. An ovum and a sperm do not equal a human embryo or a baby. They are needed to make babies as are carriers or surrogates, but they in themselves are not babies.
Thankful for My Donor
When I was 37 I discovered I would have a very difficult time getting pregnant because I had prematurely aging ovaries. At the time, I did not have a partner. I always knew I wished to have a child. It was then, and especially after my insurance immediately agreed to cover the expensive IVF procedure(s), that I knew it was now or never. I myself am an only child. I do not come from a large family. I decided to have a baby on my own because I knew I would be a great mother and that I wanted more than anything to have a child. But this decision was not simple. It took me a long time to come to terms with it. One thing I took into account was the role my own father had played in my life.
My father was always quite critical, and even stated on occasion that he'd never wished to have children. This devastated me. So, you could say, I did not see the fact my daughter would NOT have a father as an entirely bad thing.
Having my daughter (now two and a half) was the best decision I ever made.
When I was pregnant (after three IVF cycles) a man asked me what I would tell my child. How would I explain myself? (This, from a man who'd fathered more than one child out of wedlock.) I said this: "I will tell her the TRUTH."
And I will. Because she deserves it. If and when she wishes to find her bio-dad, I will help her. In the meantime, there is no one I love better than my daughter, whose existence was hard won. It took a lot of work for me to get pregnant. And I'm grateful for the donor who made that possible.
My daughter is one of the happiest, funniest people I've ever known. The world is a better place with her in it. And I intend to always make sure she KNOWS THAT.
To all those women out there who think they have to wait for the right man to come around in order to have a kid: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WAIT. Single-motherhood is hard, yes, but also totally awesome. My daughter and I are a team. Her grandparents (even my super-critical father) adore her. Simply put, she and I have a great life together.
The best policy
I am the co-parent of a boy, now 3, who was born via IVF using American donor anonymous sperm. My female partner gave birth to him and we live in Australia.
It has always been our strong belief that we will tell our son everything true about his origins as early as we can - although navigating that situation is tricky!
Like most parenting, it's a case of taking it a day at a time and using your best judgment while fervently hoping for no lasting psychological or physical damage! Seriously though, we have already started telling him how lucky he is to have two mums, how some other kids have two dads, some have just one mum, some only a grandpa etc Once or twice so far I have told him that we needed some magic ingredients from a donor to help create him, but the concept of reproduction is a little outside the boundaries of a three-year-old's understanding, I believe. So right now, we keep it simple.
We will keep explaining it though, and keep making the effort to find the right words because it is so crucial. Why do we feel it is important?
Because it goes to the heart of the identity of our son. Not just what he looks like, or his blood type, or why his hair curls, but his character traits, interests, abilities and personality. Nature AND nurture make a human...each to varying degrees, but each must be respected.
Our job as parents is to nurture, protect, inform, educate, discipline and observe the formation of that identity - what a scary privilege and I wouldn't dare consider withholding any truth that might negatively impact on that.
It has been interesting to read some stories from the US and the laws relating to tracking down donors. Our IVF clinic have told us that when our boy is 18, he can make inquiries about his donor in the US and most likely find him.
We have already made the decision that we will support him, whatever he decides on that front. So, the term "anonymous" donor is applied loosely here in Australia. And we knew that going into this, so we accept it.
We also had some counseling before we conceived, through our IVF clinic, and the counselor took my breath away when he said: "do not think of the donor as a father. Your child will not have a father, he will have two mums."
Until that point, I had been scared about applying the term father to this man because we knew he would play no part in raising our boy day to day...but hearing that perspective really helped.
Of course he was important and essential and a human being full of wonderful faults and talents, we will never forget that. But my partner and I have raised him. So it's an endless balance of both truths - and making sure he is as informed as he can be. Knowledge=security.
We are in the midst of trying to have our second baby.
Date submitted: April 13, 2011
Possible sources of children's discomfort.
I am the father of two adopted children. I know this website is supposed to be relevant to children conceived by donor sperm or eggs. Yet, I think what I have to say may be important.
When we started the process of adopting our first child, the adoption agency strongly advise that we tell our new baby that s/he is adopted. True, new born children can not process this information. But we were told that by the time they can process it we, the parents, will feel very comfortable in communicating this information. It will all seem perfectly normal and natural to the adopted child.
We followed the instuctions faithfully. When we went through the process of adopting our second child the first was made to feel that he was a contributor to the adoption process.
Then when our children were teenagers we told them that if they would like to know about their biological parents we would help them find out. At first they were not interested. As they got older we repeated our offer to help find out about their biological parents and they remained uninterested. We do not know why this was the case. Perhaps because being adopted seemed like such a natural event and they both knew quite a few other children who were adopted contributed to their uninterest in knowing about the strangers who had only one short contribution (we never used these words to our children) to their existence.
If parents would be up front, from the beginning of their children's life, about how they came into this world maybe children born by donor sperm or eggs would grow up much more at ease with their lives. Some will want to know about the egg or sperm donors others will not care.
I sincerely believe the advice the first adoption agency gave us was right on the mark. Physicians who perform IVF should be required, if they are not already so required, to advise their patients to communicate the facts of the birth of their children as soon as they are born.
Date submitted: March 17, 2011
Choosing a known donor, a friend
After 10 years of marriage and many years of waiting and hoping for pregnancy my husband was given the diagnosis of infertility. His sperm count was zero, there was no chance whatsoever of us producing his biological child. Initially we decided to remain childless, but I fell into depression, an illness I have never faced before or since then, but it was horrible. And the issue had in general put our marriage at risk. So we sat down together one evening and talked through all the options. Within a short amount of time we were in agreement to try to become parents with the help of a sperm donor. We chose a man who we had known for several years. Someone we knew, respected and who was in a stable marriage with a son of his own. Why did we go this route? We wanted our child to have the option to have a relationship with the biological father. Picking someone we knew and liked would make this easier. And also as a mother, the idea of becoming pregnant with sperm of a "stranger" was very, very unattractive to me.
Fast forward ten years. We have a healthy happy third grader. Our child knows their biological father and is at ease with the situation. Because we live in different countries the two families get together infrequently, but when we do it is just like any other "family" visit with both the good and the wonderful.
Although I haven't seen a lot of talk in the internet about choosing a donor from your own group of friends, I suspect it is not uncommon. Done properly with a mature and honest attitude it can be a simple answer to a very difficult question. As one of my closest friends said when I asked her to give me her opinion about our crazy plan: "no child was ever hurt by having too many people love it".
Date submitted: March 14, 2011
A positive story - for a change
I heard about this website from a link from a friends blog. My interest is that I am the mother of a child conceived by DI. My husband was unable to genetically father a child but it does not stop him from being the best Daddy ever to our daughter.
The reason why I felt the need to post is that it truly bothers me to see some of the posts on here about how parents make unethical choices to conceive a child via donor. I would have been more than willing to adopt but because of my husbands medical issues - we are unable to. Does that mean that we are unfit to parent? I hope that we will not raise a person who will make snap statements about peoples life choices without knowing the entire story. And is this the ideal situation to bring a child into the world? Of course not! Not as long as people are as small-minded as they are. And as to why I would want to conceive a child with a stranger - I didn't. I conceived with my best-friend holding my hand and telling me he could hardly wait to be a daddy.
Our daughter is smart, loving, creative and beautiful and my husband and I thank G-d for her every day. I am sure we will have issues about many things in her life - maybe donor related - but I will not worry about that now just as I am not going to worry about other problems that may or may not happen. The best thing we can do as parents is love her unconditionally and be active in her life.
Deciding to use donor was not an easy decision and the process is emotionally and financially difficult. But it is easy to be a mom and a dad. (Not that I am saying parenting is easy - but it is just a natural part of our lives right now.)
I am not saying this this is the right answer for everyone. Fortunately, for us it works and we are beyond happy with our decision. I have no regrets - "regret" is not a word that I use with my daughter.
Date submitted: March 12, 2011
DI is never a good option
My husband is infertile. We chose not to conceive by DI, and I am thankful we made that choice. The world is already filled with children and adults who struggle daily because of their parents' unethical choices, so why add more kids to the world who will suffer? Conceiving by DI takes a lot of financial and emotional resources, and a lot of energy that could better be used to help the already existing children of the world who need help.
I can't even begin to understand why somebody would want to conceive a child with a stranger. It is mind boggling.
Date submitted: February 28, 2011
It's not a perfect world but it's my world
Who could've guessed all the emotions that a parent could have toward a child. When I was young and learning that having a child, adopting a child, even creating a child within was going to be an almost impossible task, I kept the positive attitude that "I can do this." And it became so. I am now the mom to two beautiful girls that are loved to the ends of the earth. That's not to say it hasn't been without its ups and downs. But for me, the ups are far, far more than the downs. And I know the emotions about one adopted child and one donor's child'sgenetic beginnings are deep and wrought with questions about ethnic heritage. Where is the family that originally gave the adopted child up? Where is this man that donated half of of the donor child? Why can't she find anything out about him? Are there any genetic siblings out there who also want to know my girls? And I can't help because I've given them all the information that I have and it all seems to lead to nowhere.
In hindsight, I should've demanded more information of the donor father. I even might have used a known donor vs an anonymous donor. At the time, I didn't think that would be the moral thing to do. As I've aged and perhaps grown in wisdom a bit more, perhaps that would've been the better thing to do. Or perhaps I should've never married an infertile man knowing how badly I wanted children. Can't go back now. Can't get a redo on that chapter of my life. Biggest mistake made - Marrying someone who couldn't produce and didn't want children. And then complicating the whole situation by adding an adopted child and a donor child to the whole mix. Adding the children wasn't the mistake. It was the husband that was the mistake. The children have been the greatest joy of my life. I'd do everything I did to add them to my life again in a heartbeat. They always have been and always will be the most important part of me. Rain or shine. Bad or good. Can't imagine my life without them. The wisdom they've afforded me has been immeasurable.
Guessing by reading these articles that everyone out there has issues of some sort or the other. Regrets, yes. Would like to redo, yes. But we can't. We do what we can with what we have - no matter the circumstance. Some people do a better job of moving forward to make life better than others. But my wish for all the people in turmoil out there is to find peace. Find a way to enjoy what you do know. Find a way to resolve the unknown in your heart and enjoy the known. Take the relationships that you are blessed with, work through the troubled spots and keep them strong.
Date submitted: January 16, 2011
I could not be a donor...
I am sterile. I told my girlfriend when we met, that I could not make babies. She accepted that and said we'd deal with it when the time came. A few months later, we were married. We had fun, enjoyed life and played lots. So when we were ready for the next step, we investigated adoption and fostering. We went through the paperwork, home-studies, investigations and payment programs. After a few months, the adoption agency presented a picture of a baby girl. She was beautiful and we said we would definitely accept her. We went home, made all the arrangements, decided on her name, bought all the required items and waited. Our baby was one month old when they showed us the picture. She was six months old when we got her. I was the first to hold her in my arms and I was truly blessed. She was warm and beautiful and sweet. We showered her with our love and spirit and did everything we could to help her grow. We were 22 when she arrived.
After about 3 yrs, my wife wanted another child. I thought one was plenty of work, but her body was telling her it wanted to birth a child. So we started investigating artificial insemination. Oh, I did go through the barrage of tests to see if there was one chance in a million that I could be the father. I wore boxers to keep the gems cool, she did the rhythm program and taking her temperature on a daily basis, we did everything we could to get a donation from me... but to no avail. I had, as the doctor so gently put it, 1 live sperm per 10 million parts and that was even inconsistent. Yes, I had to make more than one donation to the cause. My wife had to take drugs which flushed out nodes in her womb and they also messed with her mental balance, so she was very difficult to live with sometimes. Which is when we began arguing about whether having another child was worth all this. It was a struggle. But we kept going. We prayed about it and so, when she went back to her doctor, he said there was a program at a nearby hospital where they were looking for sterile couples to participate in a study and possibly get artificial insemination via a donor clinic.
My wife and I talked about it. Three things were important: The donor needed to be educated--have at least a bachelors degree; needed to be similar in appearance as me--fair hair and medium build; and blue eyes--like me. I was all for it, because I just wanted to get past this point where there was nothing else on my wife's mind than having a baby naturally. But I wasn't perfect. I had other interests and so from that decision on, since I didn't need to be involved in the conception, I did other things and let her make all the trips to see the doctor. I took care of our beautiful adopted baby girl. We played, we sang, we danced. And one day, my wife came home and said, "it took! I know I'm pregnant!" So we all rejoiced together, because my wife was happy.
She did everything right. She didn't drink or smoke anyway, so that was the easy part. I did plenty of drinking to cover that. I was an idiot in my 20s. And so.... 9 months later, came this beautiful little fair-haired girl. Her older sister's initials were similar to her mothers, and hers were the same as mine. We had our namesakes, her mother had two pretty and intelligent daughters who would always be there to take care of her in her aging years.
We had told our older daughter that she was adopted when she was about 5 yrs old. And continued on as she was growing because there were other adoptive parents around with children she played with. But the deal on telling the younger daughter about her beginnings was another subject completely and I really don't remember my wife ever bringing up the subject of telling the younger about it. So, when my wife and I did finally go our separate ways when the girls where 15 and 10, and my wife suggested I relinquish custody (or she would go for more child support), I talked to the girls and said that their mother needed them and that she would always make sure they had nice clothes, good schools and all the things they would need to get where they needed, and if they ever wanted to see me, all they had to do was come by. It wasn't that I didn't love them, it was accepting that their mother wasn't going to be happy as long as I was still a part of their lives. So I signed them away and have regretted it everyday. Now my daughter is involved in this "donor-child" site, and I want to do whatever I can to support her and her interests... I still love her, even though I can't be a direct influence - she was brought into this world to have a life, to make a difference in other peoples' lives and to take joy and pride in herself! I am very proud that I was a part of it. I also know there are many children who don't know who there donor-parent is--via rape, promiscuity, and adoption--but they lead their lives without knowing that history. And even the ones who know their history, but totally ignore it, are continuing to do good things just for doing good things. Thank you for this opportunity! A sterile man.
Date submitted: December 22, 2010
Proud to say
I am proud that I said "No" to conceiving a child with a man who donates sperm. Fifteen years ago my husband was diagnosed with male infertility. We chose not to conceive a child with donor sperm for ethical reasons. It was the best decision we ever made. We decided to adopt two children.
I have never been pregnant and never will be, but if I had the privilege of conceiving a child I couldn't imagine mixing my blood and genes with that of a stranger to produce a new human being. I couldn't handle the idea of a child growing inside of my body, and half of that child's identity belonging to a stranger. It is a huge leap from what I always planned for my biological child, which was a child that was biologically half my husband and half me.
I am not very good at handling guilt. If I had conceived a child with donor sperm, than I would feel terribly guilty for placing the burden of my husband's infertility on my child. My child would pay a huge price in dealing with the challenges of an unethical conception. It is a parent's job to make sacrifices for their children, and not the other way around.
I talked to a couple of married women who had conceived a child by donor sperm. They both said that they were very emotional and scared during their pregnancies because they conceived with donor sperm. This is definitely not the type of pregnancy I want. One of the women kept her daughter's identity a secret from her, yet she was wiling to tell me about it. This was really sad; the mother told a stranger the truth but would not tell her own child.
I also believe that conceiving a child with a man that is not my husband is adultery even though no sex is involved. This is true whether the donor is anonymous or known. By conceiving a child with a man I am creating a special intimate relationship with him, even if he is anonymous. I would naturally have feelings of closeness with a man who gave me the privilege of having a biological child.
I mostly used the term donor sperm for convenience, but I think a more accurate way to describe this is to call it "conceiving a child with a man who donates perm". Saying "donor sperm" depersonalizes it and makes it easier to digest because it is about
conceiving a child with an "it" and not a person. The reality is that people conceive children, not objects.
No regrets.
Date submitted: November 19, 2010
Why We Chose Donor Egg
My husband and I have a biological daughter who is 7 and have been trying for 5 years to give her a sibling. We are both on the older side and, for whatever reason, were not able to conceive again the old fashioned way. We tried IVF 4 times with my eggs and his sperm. No luck. So we tried donor egg and it worked. I am now about to deliver our second child--one who is genetically related to my husband but not to me.
We are aware that this child may feel anger, resentment, and loss at not having been raised by his biological mother but we will be honest and open about his origins from the beginning. We also made sure that the donor would agree to be contacted by this child when and if he desires.
I want him to have that ability--to know who she is and to be able to contact her. I agree that the situation is not ideal--two biological parents is probably ideal--but many many children never have that and many who have 2 biological parents are in terrible situations.
Our son will always be loved and safe and cared for. He will always know where he came from and why he came into this world in an unusual way. I have never believed in the myth of some picture-perfect, mainstream, cookie-cutter family life. Life is not perfect. No one gets to choose who their parents will be. A strong loving family is rooted in much more than biology.
I also know that this child has literally been built from my body...his every cell has grown from my blood. Every choice that I made while pregnant--what I ate, when I rested, how I played--had an effect on his development, helped to activate or deactivate certain genetic qualities. This dynamic is called "epigenetics" and it means that my choices while pregnant influenced how my son's genes will be expressed. So, to some small degree, I have influenced him biologically.
All that being said, after having read the stories by donor-conceived people on this site, I am even more determined to be honest with our child. And I know we may be in for some rough times as he comes to terms with his origins. In the end, I hope coming to grips with who he really is will make him a stronger person.
We feel incredibly lucky to soon be welcoming him into our lives.
Date submitted: October 25, 2010
A Real Dad Speaks
In 1971, when I was about two years old, my parents asked me to name my rocking horse. It was the first toy I got to name for myself, and I chose "XYZ." Not long after that I was reading, and I continued throughout my childhood to be recognized by adults as being unusually bright. I won writing competitions and math competitions through high school, and I scored safely within the 99th percentile on both the math and verbal sections of the SAT. I was the one kid from my public school class of about 600 who got into Harvard.
I don't report all of the above to brag; this is an anonymous forum, after all, so you do not know who I am anyway. I'll get to the point. Fast forward a few decades, and I'm 41 now, with a wife and a four-year-old son who is our world. When my son was about two, my wife and I asked him to name his stuffed turtle; until then, we had always called all his stuffed toys simply by the names of the animals they resembled. He knew those names and, an early talker like his dad, he could say them clearly. Yet he chose the letter "F" as his turtle's name. During my next conversation with my mom, I told her about that curious choice, at which time she reminded me of my long forgotten (but as soon as she said it, eerily remembered) XYZ.
Aside from the eerie coincidence, my wife kids me about how much my son is like me in almost every way -- from his natural talent for music coupled with an inability to sit down and practice it, to his fine motor skills that somehow serve him well for any purpose but sports, to his penchant for wordplay. For example, when he was three, after he remarked that an apple slice I was about to eat looked like the crescent moon, I playfully downed the slice in one bite and asked him what it looked like now. Without missing a beat, he blurted out "the new moon," but then he quipped, "No, the new apple!" He had me at new moon, but when he took that a step farther than I had set it up to go, I knew this was version 2.0 of me. Recently, at the urging of his preschool, whose staff had been telling us for a while that he was unusually gifted, we had his IQ tested in contemplation of applying to gifted education programs. Sure enough, his IQ came in at a little over 150 -- 99.9th percentile. Like father like son, I guess, except that it seems he is a little smarter than I am.
My son is donor conceived, because I had cancer as a kid, and have no sperm of my own. So why do I click with him so? Shouldn't he seem like someone else's child, somehow? From the paperwork we have on the donor, that man does not seem to have been as bright academically as my son and I are, and he does seem to have devoted himself rather intensely to music and film -- while my son can be satisfied with 10 minutes a day of either of those things, so long as he is given ample time to draw, read, do puzzles, and talk my wife's and my ears off. Isn't it possible that my son and I click so well because I took three months of paternity leave after my wife went back to work, cuddling him and paying attention to his early cooing more than many dads are lucky enough to have time to do? Because I changed half the diapers, and got up at 3 a.m. half the time when he needed that? Because I still read to him every day, and sit down on the floor to play with him whenever I can?
I read a lot of blogs about donor conception, many of which are written by adults who were conceived with the help of a donor. Most of these bloggers are so unhappy with the circumstances of their birth that they are motivated to write blogs frequently, and often to advocate elsewhere, for change in the fertility industry to address their concerns. A very common complaint is that prospective parents considering using donors -- whether it be single moms, gay couples, or heterosexual couples with a fertility problem -- fail to consider their prospective children's rights to know their biological parents. The laments in these blogs often include an attempt to refute the responsive argument that without assisted reproduction, these people would not have been given the gift of life at all, and would not be here to complain about the circumstances of their conception. Some such attempts go so far as to suggest that being donor concieved is worse than not being born at all. Others stop short of that, but all seem to agree that it is selfish of prospective parents to use donors because the resulting offspring likely would not choose the circumstance of being donor conceived.
My answer to that is that yes, it is selfish of parents not to consider the viewpoint of the unborn child. But all parents considering starting a family are thinking in large part about themselves, and no child, however conceived, gets any say in the matter. That goes for children born to wealthy parents and poor, to drug addicts and abstainers, to loving or abusive parents, to single parents, to parents who already have too many children, to parents who have no intention of providing siblings, to parents related to a quirky Aunt Ida who smells bad. Unborn children simply do not get a chance to approve applications from their prospective parents.
I respect the writers of these blogs, as they have genuine feelings and they address them with passion. But with all due respect to their feelings, it is narrow of them to condemn for everyone what they have decided did not work for them. My son is not doomed to share their existential depression simply because he shares with them the fact of being donor conceived. Indeed, many of these bloggers have a beef with more than just the use of donor conception. Not all, I know -- but many. Some are bitter because they were deceived by their parents about their origin, while others feel deprived by the absence of a second parent. But yes, some may have been raised without those additional problems, and still wallow in misery.
I love my son. He already knows about his origin, and although at four he is not that interested yet, he will always have known his story and he will never feel deceived. Also, he and I are very close and loving, so he will never feel he was missing a father figure. Even so, I cannot guarantee that his circumstances will never plague him as those circumstances plague some. Yet I refuse to believe that the loudest, most vociferous opponents of donor conception speak for the whole class. Instead, I think that the ones who are not so troubled simply are not so visible. After all, why would they devote themselves to blogging about being at peace with their origin? I hope my son never develops the intense, existential pain I've read too much about, and if he does, I will do whatever I can to be there for him, as his dad. But what I wish for him is that he will grow up just like I did, and just like lots of people do: glad to be alive, and at peace with himself, his family, and the world around him.
I do not apologize for choosing to bring this wonderful person into the world, and I would certainly do it again.
Date submitted: October 18, 2010
What it feels to be the partner of a sperm donor
Hi
I am the wife to be a of a known sperm donor. My partner donated to his lesbian good friends twice before he met me. One of them became pregnant and a baby was born who died aged 4 months. They asked my partner to donate again and he did - about 6 weeks before he met me. I found it very difficult to accept that there was another woman out there carrying my partner's child. I did not want anything to do with the arrangement - as a mother of two children myself I could not understand how he could contract away his rights to a child, or how the non-biological mother was able to acquire a child in that way. I felt jealous that he had made this woman pregnant. It made me feel as though I was not in an exclusive relationship with my partner. I never accepted it, I refused to have any dealings with them and my partner has accepted me on the basis that I find it really difficult. I know that the lesbian couple want more children by my partner and that my partner won't do it again because I find it so difficult. He was in a difficult space when the lesbian couple approached - I think he did not think he would ever repartner or want more kids - so his decision to donate was made under different circumstances to those under which he currently lives. He has a relationship with the lesbians but I know its not as free or easy as would otherwise be the case without me around. I can't understand how he can accept viewing pictures of his daughter on their facebook site as they randomly pop up without wanting a proper involvement in her life.
Friends of mine think I am being ridiculous but I do! Sperm donation affects so many people and I think sperm donors should consider the consequences for them and their future too. I don't know how to tell my children that their half brother has in fact got another half-sister who is nothing to do with them. I don't know how to face the lesbians. I don't know why I find it so hard. My partner donated for the best reason - he just thought he was giving nice people 'the gift of life'. I think he gave away his child. Its a bit like the Emperor's clothes....this child is not the product of that lesbian couple and a father should count for something....but people are too scared to say so for fear of not being politically correct.
I guess I have to encourage my partner's relationship with the little girl he fathered in this way. Its not her fault. I know all this. But it is hard.
Date submitted: October 07, 2010
Chaos of Emotions
Twenty-five years have elapsed since that very first moment I held my daughter in my hands. From the very second that I began warming the donor sperm from the cryogenic container to my body temperature I knew that my child could possibly be inside that tiny vial. And my deep love began for her precisely then. The contents of that vial did create an embryo and that embryo grew to be a baby girl. I nurtured her inside my body. I coaxed her out of my body and into the world. I nurtured her in her infancy. I nurtured her through puberty and the teenage years. I pushed her through college and let her go into the world. And I loved every moment of it and every moment that I spent with her. The parental love was and is strong and did not nor will not change through the years. She is my child and I am very proud and happy to be her mom.
But the tortures of a donor child are different than other pre-pubescent children, teenagers and young adults. I dealt with those tortures in addition to the normal ones that a typically biological child would deal with. Being called a "test tube" baby in the days when the technology was new and not well understood was torture for a middle school child. Searching for a father so you can understand why you do things in certain ways knowing that genetics plays an important role in the "code" of who you are is torture for the young adult. Feeling like you don't belong to the father that raised you because your "code" isn't anything even close to his "code" becomes a daily downer in your emotional well-being. The question has arisen lately about why I would even consider bringing a child into the world where I knew she would probably never meet her biological father. And my question back is "Would you rather not exist at all than to exist as you are"? Yes, I would do it all over again and bring you into the world given the same set of circumstances that existed then. I cannot imagine life without my beautiful daughter.
If I could have changed the set of circumstances that existed, then I would've loved to have produced a typical biological child with the same genetic code of a mother and a father living in the same household. I spent a lot of time in doctor's offices, taking tests, undergoing invasive procedures, taking drug treatments, and passing psychological exams trying to make that happen. But I wasn't given that opportunity at that point in my life and I wanted that baby girl so badly that I took her just as she was with all the social complications that a donor child would bring.
And just so you know, I wanted children so badly that I worked at it for years. I have one of each as I like to say. Oprah should invite me to her show to talk about all that I've experienced through the years with the three children that are mine. I have an adopted chid (doesn't know either of her biological parents, raised by an adoptive mother and father) that took me three years to bring into my home. I have a donor child (raised by me, her biological mother, and an adoptive father) that took five years from beginning of quest to birth. And I have a young biological son (raised by me and his biological father) that came along 14 years later. All three children are considered brothers and sisters in our eyes and in the legal world, too. But the differences and the issues are all very complicated and all very different for each of the children. Each one is a different story for a different book. Too much for 750 words or less.
But now, twenty five years later, the rose colored glasses are off. Do I still think a mother's love should be enough? I do. But my daughter doesn't. She thinks she needs that biological father's love, too. And that hurts. It hurts me and it hurts her adoptive father. But we move on and know that we're not the first parents whose children have questioned their decisions and their ways before. You can't allow yourself to be tormented by a child's questioning nature. My strength comes from within and my love for my daughter will still be there in the end. Baby girl, I love you.
Date submitted: October 07, 2010
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