Stories from Donors/Surrogates/Birth Parents
I already regret this.
Dear first born,
You are the biggest mistake I have ever made. I shouldn't have done it and every day I think about you. How im not going to see you the day you're born. How you're going to learn to talk without me. How you'll never miss me when you get dropped off at daycare. How you won't cling to my leg as you don't want to stay at school. I'm not going to get any of that. Why? Because I donated my sperm and as your mothers want it, I will not be your father but a "donor." It's scary how the use of that word is advised to people to try to make us feel like illigitate parents. Like we don't have a place in this. Like we don't belong in the equation. I'm not your father anymore. No matter how bad I want to love you, hold you, kiss you, support you, your mother and your "mother" don't want me to do that. They don't want me complicating their lives. They don't want me to intrude. They want to be the parents. And "love is all that makes a family" is what they'll chant as one of your mothers can be called a hypocrite since she obviously went to great lengths to have you. I didn't sell you, I gave you away. Didn't even accept the gas money to get to your moms house. I did this because I wanted a chance to get to know you. But all your moms want to do is decide the next 18 years of your life without allowing you to have a say. I've been reading these stories on this site since I donated and I hate that you'll possibly one day be wondering who I am. That one day you'll realize that you missed out on 18 years worth of building a relationship with me. One day you'll notice that while your moms loved you very much I could have also loved you very much and I'm already angry, resentful, spiteful of your mothers who are going to rip you from my life because they want to be selfish and validate their own little family. I am your dad. I am your father. I brought you into this world. Without me you wouldn't be here. Never will I ever forget that. But I'm going to have to step back and let your mother and your "mother" take care of you because I KNOW that I'll be a great dad... I KNOW that they won't let me see you. I KNOW that a custody battle will be bad for you. So I GUESS I'll just leave you alone to deal with your pain, questions, loneliness, depression, identity confusion, and all of that on your own because your moms want it that way. If it were up to me, you'd know about me from day one. My only mistake was not making my wants for you clear from day one. But I have to come from a place of love. And if I love you I'll let you go. As much as it kills me, and as much as it could kill you for us to be apart, it would hurt you and your family more if we got the legal system involved. The lesser of these solutions is to let you go. I hate this. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done this to you. I hope you grow up to be okay with yourself. I'm sure you'll be amazing and I hope to one day meet you as a fine young man or woman that you've become. I will always be looking out for you. I will always be thinking of you. And given the popularity of sites like this, I'm sure you'll often be thinking of me too. There's so much more on my mind but I just can't sort it all out. I don't want to sign you away. But I guess we will see on the delivery date.
Love,
Ijustwanttoloveyou
Date submitted: April 04, 2015
A message from an egg donor to the donor-conceived
My heart is breaking for the kids whose messages I'm reading--who are unhappy with their circumstances as donor-conceived children.
As a former egg donor (going back 17 years), I would like you to understand that the donor--male or female--is very likely to share at least some of your pain. Or a different set of pain.
If you are a person whose genetic father is an unknown person to you who you think merely "sold" his sperm--all I can say is that he was likely a college kid or close and didn't really know what it meant to give away his DNA. Even as a woman of 30, I didn't understand the gravity of it all. How it would make the family members who knew look at me differently, forever. How my body and my looks would suffer. Some women have lost their own fertility. Others have died of cancer. I'm sure I'm a ticking time bomb thanks to fertility drugs and invasive surgery.
The industry is to blame. They LIE. It's big big money.
It's the INDUSTRY that needs to be investigated and vilified. Not the person who gave of themselves to create you.
Date submitted: February 13, 2015
1st donor cycle
I'm a 20 year old college student in the middle of my first donor cycle. I started my shots today and I am so scared I wouldn't feel right backing out now but I am afraid of the affects of the surgery I have heard many horror stories cancer, infertility, OHHS, ovary removal afterward. It's starting to not seem worth it when I look at those kind of possibilities. I am curious and would love to hear back from anyone that has already been through it already, what kind of complications did you have, if any? And what are some things I should know to look for so that I can insure my doctor is treating me properly and not just pumping me as full as he can with horomones.
Date submitted: January 23, 2015
Choice & Knowledge
About 5 years ago, I was approached by an ex-girlfriend who wanted me to donate sperm. She had recently married her same-sex partner and was wanting to start a family. In the decision process, we found there seemed to the right balance for us... we both felt we knew each other well enough as people in terms of her wanting me as a father and me knowing she'd make a great mother. At the same time, there a distance between us which allowed her and her partner to do their own thing as parents without my interference. This both geographically and in the sense that while we knew each other, we weren't close-close (couple of times a year contact).
What also aided my decision to donate was having a daughter from a previous relationship whom I lived apart from. She and her mother live abroad. There's no issues between us but still I had an idea of what it was like not to be part of my daughter's day-to-day life. She's raised by a woman I completely trust and at the end of the day she knows who her father is. So after a bit of consideration, I decided to donate my sperm.
After this, I got heavily interested in the world of sperm donation and donating to people settle on the idea of being a PRIVATE & KNOWN donor.
Why private? Firstly, there are no clinics where I live. Even if there was, I don't like the idea of the costs involved. Secondly... choice is very important to me. I'd like recipients to get to know me as a person rather than some information on a piece of paper. Similarly, I wanted choice in who I donated to in the same way I knew the mother of my 2nd child before I donated to her. Some donors are fine to donate and let the clinic use it as they feel, and that's completely fine if it's their decision. it was just my personal preference because of the long-term effects of donating.
Why known? As I'm writing my story here i think it's obvious that I feel that donor-conceived children should have option of knowing their background. Not every donor-conceived child will want to know it but at least the choice is there for them. I've no major philosophical reasons (if that's the right word) for being a known donor. I have no real interest in genetics or family backgrounds. I guess medical is one that comes to mind but that's one I hope doesn't come up too often. A part of me looks at my personality & looks and I can look to my parents and see where I picked something up... people get curious about themselves so that's why it's important to be known.
I've been able to donate to women both single & in relationships (heterosexual and homosexual). Each donation has a unique dynamic. As experienced as I am, it's like starting all over again when I donate to a new woman. I will admit that each donation might have concerns, some which are unpredictable or can be worked around, but when I think of the happiness it brings those who can't have children for whatever reason, my positive thoughts outweigh the negatives.
Date submitted: January 22, 2015
With love, 120S
I gave.
I did not sell.
I did not cash any of the cheques.
I donated.
I did use the two movie tickets they gave me when I donated again, once, years later.
I took my daughter. It seemed right.
There are some screams in the DC stories that want to reduce my gift to a commercial transaction. For me it was not anything like this. Donating transformed my life. It aint just walk in, wank, and worry about it again in twenty years. It takes Way, WAAaaaay longer.
The first time, I stopped about 2/3rds the way through. I had asked if it mattered that I went out to all night dance parties. They said they had no idea, and could not risk it. So, I stopped. I lived clean, excercised and ate well. I waved goodbye to social groups, a lifestyle, and people I had cared about.
Eventually it started again. and oooeeee. Egg donation seems WAY scarier and more dangerous. ...but sperm donation did my head in. At day 5 women would dissolve into body parts. I lost the capacity to think while near women.
Later on, they would sometimes schedule a counselor for a mandatory session directly after a donation. They thought it was just easier that way. My assigned counselor was a young doctor. She was smart, and gorgeous, with long dark hair, and really nice. Just lovely, and she wanted to talk to me about my feelings.
To this day she is what I remember, and fantasize about, not the half minute of the porn beforehand. Lust and care were absolutely part of my experience.
The affection and desire I felt for this woman were intense.
I tried to show none of it because you guys are more important, but in the dim light of her desk lamp her eyes were beautiful. In her tiny cupboard of an office, I had to conciously focus on what she was saying. I just couldn't. I had never had a counselor or pyschologist or anyone like that before. I have always avoided talking about my feelings. Always. My personal life is hidden and private to everyone, not just you. Sorry.
I would try to say as little as possible, but I couldn't avoid the fact my life had been pretty full on, and well, kinda amazing at that point. We were both about 30. And we had to talk about me. Not about making love on her wooden desk.
You may have a image in your mind about what your biological father looks like.
She is the image in my mind about what your mother looks like.
If you need a creation myth, use me.
No commercial reasons involved, and lots of thought and effort. It required a long term commitment and had life changeing effects. My eldest DC is about 8 years old. Wow. I am registered, and would like contact. I do not know what happens at that point, but I know that I will welcome you with open arms. (I live in Oz, so the laws are pretty different.)
My lone daughter is 10, and lights up my life. How does it help her to know you guys are out there?
When one of you turns up, it is going to be interesting. She has always wanted siblings. Telling her about you guys seems to be damning her to always looking at the next person on the bus. Her origins are solid. The people she is missing are you, but no one has siblings like you. She has no reason to believe you exist. Siblings and a Bio-dad are obvious for many of you. But not her, and you may never show up.
I think about you.
The only question I asked when I found out about you, as a group, was if you were healthy. You are, and so I have done my part. Any more is a bonus.
With Love, 120S
Date submitted: January 19, 2015
Response to re Donor Father
You folks know the situation, your telling a story to a group of people and then after your finished or sometimes before someone will say "That's exactly what happened to Me" and then take something out of your story that somehow matches with theirs but then relate an event or story that isn't remotely related to your story. They misrepresent your facts to mold into their message, etc.. Well that is what happened with my story Donor Father and then Re Donor Father response. Whoever wrote it seemed to think they had some insight into my situation for reasons not stated. I sensed some bitterness towards something, but the message was not clearly stated at the expense of "being heavy."
That response has no validity with my situation. I ended up having an incredible positive outcome for all involved, which must threaten some folks. My point was to show how my motivations might have helped the situation end up positive. I wanted to be selfless in the Donor gift, lay no claim on the outcome, wanted no fee and when I was contacted I felt it was a privilege for me, that I was a guest in the lives of these people. The recipient was raised to be a wonderful person. Again in my case the focus was on helping, lack of ego, enabling a wonderful mother to have a child. Whether I helped or not certainly isn't the call of a bitter person who doesn't know my situation but somehow wants to twist my story into their own message.
Date submitted: January 13, 2015
Response to second thoughts
Anywhere you are in the world you have a legal right to withdraw your consent to reproduce at any time. In fact you have a right to withdraw your consent to waive your parental rights and obligations at any time before or after your children are born! They did not buy your reproductive rights or your parental rights they paid you for your time. Go get your sperm back and go get your kids back. This whole game of smoke and mirrors is ridiculous. They are not really parents who put their names on your kid's birth record, hell they are not really even adoptive parents. You realize when the kids are growing up and removing their step parents names from their birth records it's crystal clear they have no legal leg to stand upon no actual parental rights nor obligations. They default back to the category of step parent if they are married to a bio parent.
They did not buy your children or your reproductive freedom. The agreement you signed is not worth the paper it's printed upon. There will be a massive worldwide withdraw of consent by gamete donors. Say you want it recalled from whoever bought it too. Have them track it down and give it back. The sperm bank knows the law - your sperm is not property they can't sell it to people like it's property they have to notify the lab where its stored to destroy your samples or return them to you. They'll have to tell anyone who bought it too freaking bad and so what if they want to save it for a sibling. Like you need to make another abandoned child so they can have a miserable matched set of pretend half orphans
Date submitted: January 12, 2015
second thoughts - question
I donated my sperm a four years ago, and had second thoughts about doing it at the time. Even though I opted for identity release, I simply had a hard time letting go - allowing my future children to be born without me, and into the whims of others. Not that it will definitely happen, but I didn't and still don't want to have a child that has identity problems, who will wonder who I am and who they are in this world, and if they biological father cares about them. After 6 months of being a sperm donor, i stopped donating and left the country before doing an 'exit blood draw,' something I thought was necessary for the sperm bank to use my sperm.
However, recently checking on the sperm bank website I donated sperm to, my sperm is not only available but has resulted in at least 1 pregnancy, regardless of me doing the 'exit blood draw.'
I am thinking of making a video diary of myself that I can present my future biological offspring when they turn 18, introducing myself and each year, being able to grow with them in a way and show them that I've been thinking of them and care about them. I don't know if my biological children would want to meet me, but for myself, I want to meet them, and want to be prepared in case they want to meet and learn about me in the future.
While I cannot undue the past, I want to stop my sperm from being used in the future to make more biological offspring. What rights do I have to prevent the sperm bank from selling my sperm? What can I do now and what rights do i have??
Date submitted: January 12, 2015
Re Donor Father
You may not realize this but your daughter had never spoken with a person who was not pretending she was someone else entirely before she met you. You are the first person she ever spoke with who did not expect her to pretend not to be your kid. It probably would not have occurred to you to ask her to pretend to be your wife's child in your house or out in public in order to make her appear more 'legitimate' and worthy of introducing to others as your child. It did not occur to you because you and your wife and the kid's you hand raised are normal people who accept reality for what it is and accept people for who they are. You and the family you have spent the last 30 years with are acting like adults and found great joy in reuniting with your child, a step child a sister. So understand that the kind of people who seek out donated sperm are not normal like you - accepting reality, accepting and respecting people for who they actually are and embracing what is and finding love and beauty in the people in their lives. No they live in a state of perpetual fantasy where they con themselves into believing that they had a child together when they did not. They hate the fact that the child they are raising is some stranger's child and they want to replace that stranger completely with their much loved partner as if the child were theirs. So everyone pretends. They falsify the person's birth record, no original with their biological father's name to fight for like an adopted person because this is the black market where truth is not documented even when it's told early and often. They tell the kid and everyone around them over and over that this other man's child is 'their' child and that their father is just a donor and did not want to be a father to them and does not think of them as their child. It's demeaning and degrading and sends the message that nobody wants them to be who they really are not their father, not their mother and not their step parent. They simply are unworthy of love and attention and care unless they pretend not to be their father's kid unless they take on the persona of a person who was never born.
If it sounds heavy it really is. You are the first person who ever looked at her without imagining she was someone else to make them happy. As you reflect on your experience as a donor it just happens to be what led you to have this particular child. It's great that she exists - good job. But I have to call bullshit on something Pop, and it's probably something your coming to realize on your own since your grounded in reality...deciding that some of your kids were not deserving of your full attention as a father just because were not in love with their mom is super unfair and not very responsible. The last thing it could ever be considered is helpful. You say you donated to help people and sure you helped a woman get pregnant but who did it help for you to not raise your kid? The mom could have raised the kid with you and her spouse could have stuck around as a step parent all at no cost to your kid's family or identity. Now I know such an unconventional arrangement would be considered shocking by some but honestly these people are not having kids with their spouses ANYWAY. I'm merely suggesting that they proceed with rearing the child in the most responsible way that won't cost the child half their family and identity. Millions of other people have shared custody and are married to people who are not the parents of their kids, it's been done before there is a road map it's really not that strange. People have to stop putting their marriages in front of their kid's relationships with their parents. That unconventional arrangement is not weird at all it's the truth. What's weird is expecting a person to act like they are their step parent's kid or act like they are not the child of their biological parents all to create this illusion of a normal nuclear family.
You were kinda duped into thinking you were helping, I know. Your a good rational man though so stop thinking that you are this outsider in your kid's life just because you did not raise her. She's your kid. You allowed them to raise her without you around, they needed your permission to do that because your in charge your the Dad, she's your kid it's your family. Just be careful leading other men to believe that donating their sperm for anything other than research helps people. The most helpful thing a man can do is take responsibility as a father for every one of his offspring. If he wants to have kids with strange women as an act of kindness more power to him. Just please don't spread the idea that not raising your own kids is ever helpful to anyone. Would you want your son to have kids he did not raise? Now that you know what a great daughter you have would you want to miss out on your spectacular grandkids?
Love to you you are a good responsible family man. You set your kid free when you welcomed her into your life.
Date submitted: January 11, 2015
Donor Father
I was asked to be a Donor thirty years ago. I'm a physician and a colleague approached me as a way to continue my passion for caring for people. It was anonymous, I received no fee. Fast forward thirty years. One of my sons sent in his buccal sample to 23 and me as a way to investigate our genealogy. A few months ago he was astounded by an email from a young lady saying she was also on 23 and me and was just informed they were half brother and sister. It turns out he received this news the night before flying home for a family reunion. He confronted me with this information and I immediately explained the situation and then went and told my family, who had no prior knowledge. They were stunned but not surprised I would do this as a physician trying to help folks.
I immediately reached out to this person and it has turned out to be one of the greatest moments of my life. It has turned out so positive for all involved. My focus was too relate my sense of how special it was to help produce a life and certainly the usual emotions well up in those involved, that by focusing on giving, service you elevate yourself to behaving and doing things that many won't but it's the key to happiness and fulfillment in life.
I believe the key to making this so positive for all involved in my situation was to focus on eliminating ego and selfish motives. Focus on bringing people together, finding common ground, respecting everyone's point of view and situation as you focus on love and support for all involved that have done a special thing, created a life, helped nurture that person one way or another and in the long run not much else measure up to this when things are stripped bare. My medical speciality, heart attack treatment, is one where I deal with tragedy or averted tragedy daily and the feedback I receive from the patients when they are suddenly confronted with mortality is not the materialistic, ego things acquired through life, but relationships, family and wanting to do right by them as selfish motivations quickly evaporate.
Being a donor is a special privilege. As I just learned you feel a special connection to the donor child that can't be described, however you are a guest in the donor family. If they permit you to be part of the family then it's very special, however it's totally their call in my mind. Having said this I will always feel a responsibility for my actions as being a donor and be willing to step up when called upon. Being a donor is no light hearted decision, it should be a selfless act that may cause you pain in the future but as in my case may result in incredible joy. I believe there are men out there who will do this important contribution if it's open and communication becomes a more important part of it. You are not raising your donor child and have no say unless invited, but with the right attitude you could be invited in and be supportive and learn something about yourself as you help nurture such a precious thing.
Date submitted: January 04, 2015
Blessed being a Donor!
I never thought i would look at this site but here i am!!!
I am 46 now with two healthy children, 26 &21, have always been my life...
When i was 25, happily married with our two children, I had a child in between and lost him during labor, carried him for 9 months & lost him...
My heart was broke, three months later i was pregnant again, i gave birth
exactly one year & 10 days after my loss. After that i knew i wanted to
help those that were unable to conceive, every loving couple deserves to
have a child to love & cherish. I know how empty i felt after losing my child
and in my heart i think that is how a Woman that wants nothing more to carry a
child and have it be hers feels when she is unable to have one on her own..
I have never regretted it for one minute, i feel Blessed knowing that i helped to complete a family..
I know in my heart that i did the right thing :)
Date submitted: January 02, 2015
To My Daughter
My dearest daughter,
I'm not your "donor." I'm your father. I think of you every day. You & I knew each other for the first 3 years of your life. I know a lot about you. But I doubt you remember me.
What, if anything, have you been told about me? Maybe it's a sweet story about how much you were wanted. Or maybe it's an untrue story about how I wasn't interested in you and didn't want to see you. I can only imagine the lies you've been told.
Have your lesbian "moms" mentioned that you would run to me when you got hurt? Have they told you that I sent you cards and gifts on a regular basis? Or that they threw these gifts in the trash and never gave them to you? Have they mentioned that they hired lawyers and got rid of me? No?
I continue writing cards to you, and buying gifts. I'm saving them for you. One day you'll have a lot of packages to open.
When you decide to find me it will take you 5 seconds. Maybe you've already found me, and have been too afraid or freaked out to contact me. I can understand that. But please do it.
You have aunts and uncles and cousins you don't know about. They all love you, even though they've never met you. One of your cousins is your age. I hope you will meet her soon.
I'm sorry we haven't seen each other, as I was promised we would. Maybe I could have done things differently, but I did the best I could at the time. I hope and pray that you will want to know and love me, as I do you.
I love you.
Your father.
Date submitted: December 29, 2014
I donated my semen -experiences and reflections
Below are my thoughts and varied experiences of being a sperm donor over nearly 10 years in the UK. I have been a known donor, donor to a fertility clinic and even provided sperm privately. I hope these ramblings might help you decide what option, if any, is right for you.
My first experience of sperm donation was when I was a grad student doing a MA in Leeds for a year. I was staying with a couple, J and L, as a lodger and found out three months in that J had a very low sperm count and both him and L had stressful shift jobs which made it impossible to conceive naturally after years of trying. He and L had several failed attempts at IVF which had caused emotional and financial strain, one reason why they had a lodger was to help out financially with the mortgage. J shared that they were looking for a known donor to help create their family. They had said that they had looked into buying sperm through a clinic but decided that they would prefer to have some personal contact over the selection process of the donor but had few ,if any, people they could ask. Been asked if I would help was a shock but after seeing their distress and sensing the disrepair they obviously felt I slept on it and agreed the next day. They had spent thousands on treatments, consultations and J had explained the pressures that this had placed on their relationship and finances. Here was an unique opportunity to help this couple who I had begun to know and who had shared a huge amount with me, their home, life and dreams. I figured since most semen probably got wasted against a latex membrane, Kleenex tissue or down a plug hole there was a real and meaningful way to do something productive with mine.
They asked me to have some tests done and make donations through a clinic which was helpful in terms of maintaining boundaries with them and ensuring that legal responsibility for any child born would rest with them. My co-operation was rewarded by been able to stay rent-free. It was a bit weird at first, attending the centre having blood tests and medical history taken and having to produce samples and coming back to their house knowing that these would be released for their use but it was agreed that we would not talk about the process as this was easiest for them, I think. There were surprisingly few awkward moments. I may have been living under their roof but what was lovely was that J and L were very much in love and my role was very much a spectating facilitator. Several months in and before I had to leave L fell pregnant. Seeing the joy I was personally able to give to this couple was wonderful and rewarding beyond words. I still keep in contact with them (arm's length) and they asked me to help out again which resulted in a second pregnancy and bundle of joy. There are two beautiful boys with two exceptionally loving parents and one very proud donor.
After my first positive experience I moved cities but the rush I got from donating sperm really was addictive. My first experience was very personal but I knew this would be unlikely to be replicated so I did what any young man wanting to contribute to the human gene pool would do. I registered at a sperm bank.
The experience was a complete contrast. A battery of tests, lots of probing questions and a session with a counsellor! It was hard at times to see the humanity amongst the sterile surfaces, white coats and petri dishes. I remember feeling nervous and excited during my first visit, completing a questionnaire, being shown around the clinic and to the donation room to masturbate. Hearing how less than 5 % of potential donors cut the mustard made me worried. I needn't have been. A week after my visit I received a call to say that my sample exceeded the standards in terms of volume (4 ml), sperm count (70 million per ml), viscosity, mobility etc... The donor-coordinator was particularly enthusiastic in telling me that my post thaw count was in excess of 20 million per ml and given my education, ethnicity and eye colour she explained I would be a highly priced donor. I would be paid �15 per ejaculate, �10 up front and �5 paid in arrears as a lump sum 6 months after my last donation as if to place my involvement on footing with a financial transaction. All this talk about my fertility though made me feel precious and almost super human but that was short lived by the imperative of the clinic to get me on the donor conveyor belt as soon as possible. There is an acute shortage of donor sperm I learnt. The statistics and references to "parameters" and "quality of specimen" used by the clinic really just brought home that my purpose for the next 20 weeks would be to produce high quality semen samples to be frozen, thawed and used in fertility treatments, people were depending on me. I had a job to do and joined the elite club of around 500 sperm donors recruited each year.
The expectancy and pressure is not for the faint hearted. Having to book appointments and masturbate on demand was at times dehumanising but the staff always courteously reminded me be about the difference each yield would make. If I had any reason to doubt this I just needed to look at the copious numbers of pictures of new-borns sent in by successfully treated patients that adorned the staff notice board. The process certainly requires dedication; planning your life around weekly visits and trying to observe the required 72 hour abstinence period so as not to have to run the gauntlet of having to hand in a near empty cup to the nurse. After final tests my samples were ready for release and I left the programme. A few years later I enquired about the outcomes and found out 8 children were born from my donations, 5 boys and 3 girls. The clinic still have frozen samples and mentioned that as up to 10 children or 10 families can be created from each donor's sperm it was likely this number would grow as patients returned to the clinic. This was some butterfly effect! Because I donated before 2005 no identifying information will be made available. I have no problems with this. No one has any say over the circumstances of their conception but I hope that all those born from my donations have loving and honest parents and feel no sense of lack of identity or lack of self worth. My main reservation was feeling a bit like a commodity. Being compensated for each donation, effectively and religiously been told to maximise volume and sperm count through abstinence and lifestyle choices, being given a donor number and no doubt featuring in some catalogue to match supply with demand all commodified the process. I was also amazed at the discrepancy between the amount paid for my sperm (�15 per ejaculate) compared with the hundreds of pounds recipients paid for the privilege of probably having a portion of it!
The last experience I had of donating was helping a lesbian couple seeking a donor through the internet and this was by far the riskiest enterprise I took on. They did not want to go through a fertility clinic partly for financial reasons but mainly due to some ideological opposition to the "State" as they put it "sanctioning their family". They had been trying to get a donor for some time but had been previously let down. They cared little for the semen analysis information and family medical history I offered which was surprising. Their main concern was that I would agree not to have any contact or involvement with any child born from any donation which was uncontroversial in my mind, much to their relief. I understood their reasons and after weeks of e-mails going backwards and forwards we agreed that I would be on call to produce fresh semen samples in a hotel room booked by them near to me to coincide with ovulations. Shortly after ejaculation I phoned them to return to the room and left them in the room with the DIY insemination kit and cup. This was a far less invasive, complicated and a more enjoyable affair. Over the course of two years and multiple hotel visits I was able to help them conceive two babies, a boy and a girl. I later found out that legally if I were traced or traceable I would be financially responsible for them and that sperm donation can only lawfully be carried out through regulated and licensed clinics so I would not advise private donation for others. Also clinics will consider the wellbeing of any child born from your donations before approving any treatment and private 1 to 1 donations do not offer this safeguard for those who understandably want some reassurance over who they are donating to.
I do think of the children but I have a family of my own now and I am resolved not to talk about my donor years. This may seem selfish but compartmentalisation avoids been over sentimental over my important but very limited role in the lives of the 12 children (and more?) I had helped make. I hope I'm not arrogant or misguided in thinking I have spread a lot of joy and of course egotistically I am proud of my genetic legacy. Sperm donation is unique and amazing but needs to be thought through in terms of the processes which can be dehumanising and the consequences to you, your family and the individuals who may grow up not knowing anything about the man who helped them into being.
Date submitted: September 10, 2014
Brood parasite
I donated my eggs for the first and only time this week. The 10 grand is a massive help, but I also did it because I'm very interested in you, little embryos. I want a child, but I have other priorities right now and I may have to delay indefinitely. You may be a precursor of children to come or my only genetic legacy, but you will always be special to me and I want the very best for you.
I expect you're well set-up for material comforts with your host parents. You wouldn't have that with me, not now. Get back to me in 10 years, and I'll have the means to treat you to anything you want - unless it involves my assuming a maternal role, which my legal contract stipulates I cannot do. I'll buy you an ice cream, though. I'll show you all the good music, all the best books. You'll love Bowie and Nabokov. Cosmos and Miyazaki and Grant Morrison. There's so much cool stuff and it's all just for you, if you're not stuck with piano lessons and test prep. I know why your parents picked me as a donor, and it's the wrong reason. I'll show you what matters.
I'm sending you a couple gifts through the donor agency. Ostensibly they're for your parents, but they're really for you, little half-me. Welcome to Earth. You're fascinating.
My god, I hope your host parents aren't naming you something stupid.
Date submitted: September 03, 2014
Donors have feelings too
I am an egg donor. I did it once and not for money, it was purely an altruistic favour for a former family friend that couldn't conceive.
I did it in the moment. It seemed like the right thing to do and I don't regret it for a second. However, I see now photos of the children, by default and the six degrees of separation that is social media. Plus, am occasionally related stories about them through members of the same family I am still in contact with (the mother hasn't contacted me since the birth).
But, as I see them growing (they are now teenagers) and how look so like me and my own natural relations, share the same interests and mannerisms, traits and ways of thinking that are very unique to my own family, it is very difficult for me not to want them to know me and my family. The difficulty is that the parents have kept it a secret from the children and I am obliged to keep quiet and honour their decision. It means I can't visit other members of the recipient family who I am still close to, when the children or parents might be around etc as the mother is fearful of them finding out.
I always wanted to them to know the truth because I don't believe in living lies and think it's the childrens' birthright to know, and I was always bought up to believe that love is elastic and something that should be shared and not possessed. I saw a programme recently when an adopted son was searching for his birth mother and was helped so generously by his adoptive parents who were more than happy for him when he found his biological parent. It was heart-warming to see and it made me cry because I will never have that.
Other people I know have contact with the children, see them all the time and are allowed to be part of their lives and experience them growing up and for me not to be a part of that is hard.
I partially understand the mothers' reservations and insecurities - at the same time what once were two eggs have grown up into such lovely children, how could I not want to be a small part of that? Therin lies the difficulty from another perspective - it's not all about the recipient, donors have feelings too.
Being a donor was the biggest mistake of my life
When I was in college, I decided do egg donation as a way to make some extra money. A clinic in my county offered $3,500 to women like myself to donate their eggs and $3,500 was a LOT of money for a college student back in the '90s. It's a lot of money now, in fact.
Even though I signed up to be an egg donor, I never considered that the fact that if my eggs were used, I would have children walking around in the world and that they may want to know me until a young woman claiming to be my daughter called my home last year. My husband answered the phone and immediately hung up, thinking it was a prank call. I returned the call the next day, once my husband had left for work and the kids had gone to school.
The woman had as much information as she'd been allowed to gather, including the name of the clinic her parents had used. She told me that she wanted to meet me and that she considered me to be her mother. I told her I needed a day or two to think about everything. That was in October 2013. It's now July 2014 and I've not called her back since.
I haven't intentionally ignored her these past few months. I just can't bring myself to face her, even over the phone. I've started dozens of letters to my daughter but I can never bring myself to mail them. Everything I have to say to her to justify or explain my actions sounds so utterly lame that I feel ashamed. She's my daughter and I abandoned her. I sold her for money. And she suffered greatly for it. How do you even begin to apologize for that? You can't.
The thought that I may have more children out there fills me with anxiety to the point that I have panic attacks. I've had to be put on Xanax to deal with them. If I knew back then what I knew now, I never would have gone through with the donation.
Opening the door
I would like to start by saying that every person is entitled to their own views, feelings, and thoughts regarding their own personal experiences. I do not mean to offend, enlighten, or force my opinions on anyone; I only wish to share my story.
I am a 29 year old Bio-medical Engineer with a Masters degree, I am also an egg donor. I never wanted children of my own and for many years reveled in my 'freedom' to travel, engage only in self-fulfilling activities, and advance my career. Then on April 17th, 2011 I discovered that I was pregnant. I cannot honestly say that I was thrilled, just scared and unsure of what to do. After about two weeks of reflection, I had an awakening. I realized that I had been given an opportunity to live my life for someone else, to create and share in the moments of one person forever. It was then that I knew I was opening a door to begin journey unlike any I have ever experienced. On October 13th, 2011 I gave birth to a little boy and my life hasn't always been easy since; however it has been more rewarding and filled with love than I ever imagined possible.
I decided to sign up through an agency to become an egg donor because I wanted to open the door for someone else to become a parent, to have their own memories of holidays birthdays, and little laughter at 6 am on a Saturday morning.
I understand 100% that every parent makes mistakes, I do and mine did. My father abandoned me at the age of 5 and still to this day manages to swerve in and out of my life like a drunk driver claiming casualties. However, if it wasn't for all of his mistakes I would not be who I am today. Everyone is faced with open doors, and we all decide to walk through the ones that are right for us. But even being here, present, alive, able to lay on the grass in the sunshine; is precious. Being an egg donor is one of the greatest things that I will ever do, just as having my own child was; because I chose to live for someone else. I hope and pray that the parents of the donor child do their best to enjoy their baby, savor every sweet and bitter moment, and enjoy their own journey through the open door.
Thinking of Donating Sperm
Hello. I am thinking of donating sperm. I have always thought of the idea of being able help people that could not having their own children fascinating. I am going to be completely honest I have also thought of how interesting it would be for my genes and another woman's genes come together to form a human being. Now I have thought of this a lot. The thing is that I do not want the conceived child to not feel loved or be troubled because of the way they came to be. I don't have anything against meeting the child and I would even be for it, but I cannot be financially or emotionally responsible for the child (because if I could then I would just have the kid and raise him/her myself) My question is this. If you are a child that was donor conceived how do you feel about this? Yes, I have read some of the responses here and a lot of them sound like they are hurt by the way they were conceived. I would not want to add pain to anyone. I would only be willing to do this if it brought happiness not only to the parent but most importantly the child. If anyone could answer by posting the response as a RE:Thinking of Donating Sperm I would really appreciate it. Even if it's just a link to an article. Thank you so much.
Proud to be a donor
I am a 20 year old college student who was fortunate enough to be connected with an amazing single woman who is ready to be a mother. Tomorrow I start taking IVF medications, and next week I will fly out to make my donation.
I am not donating for the money, or even for the trip that is generously being paid for by my intended parent. I am doing it because I strongly believe that every woman who truly want it deserves to know the joy of motherhood. I want to bring love and purpose into my life, and hers. I feel like a few needle pinches and some time away from work is a small price to pay in exchange for helping a woman who cannot produce any eggs of her own.
People often ask me how I can be ok with my child being raised by someone else. The answer is, it will not be my child! yes, we will be genetically related. But I believe that anyone's REAL parent is the one who raises them. I will not carry the baby. I will not feel its little kicks or hear its heartbeat. I will have an open relationship with the intended parent so I will get to see what they look like and find out a little bit about them, but that's it. And I'm happy with that.
To all the donor children who hate the man/woman who donated the genetic material to bring them into the world, I hope you know that not everyone donates for selfish reasons. And just because the process is anonymous most of the time doesn't mean they don't care. Anonymous donation is meant to protect the recipient just as much as the donor. I will think of my biological offspring every day for the rest of my life. I will care about them, and worry about them, but also keep my distance.
Date submitted: April 17, 2014
From an anonymous egg donor
I'm not putting any of my energy into making this read eloquently. It is more a diary entry than an academic essay. I'm 28 years old, turning 29 in a few months. I have a history degree from a private university which I obtained in 2008. I've been working on a masters in anthropology and sociology but I'm putting that on hold for now. I'm running my own business and pretty happy with the way things are going. I enjoy reading immensely, science fiction, fantasy, nonfiction, I love it all. I am not hurting financially but the money I got for donating my eggs was a nice additon to my bank account. It's in savings with the rest of it. Money was not my primary motivation, but people always ask about the money first. Put yourself in my position - you want to do something and you are being offered $8,000 to do it - would you turn it down? I was not exploited. I was not pressured. I have referred friends to donate that have not been pressured or exploited. I care about people. I think that can be inferred by my interest in anthropology and sociology. I thought it would be great to help someone MAKE THEIR LIFE with my donation. Another reason I donated: I am very interested in science. Watching the process was fascinating and I very much enjoyed seeing my body change from a perspective I've never seen before. I learned a lot. Your parents wanted you very much. They went through so much to have you. In order to produce the 20+ eggs necessary for a fair shot at making the perfect one I had to give myself shots in the stomach daily, more than once. I had to get up far earlier than I normally would to go to the doctor, at first twice a week then every single day, and I was so tired from that and the hormones. My arms were bruised from frequent blood draws. I actually cried with relief when the nurse took it from the left arm instead of the right. She was great; few nurses have ever been able to get anything from that tiny vein. I was emotional at my retrieval. The anesthesiologist was so comforting. I woke up before I knew I was asleep and recovered half an hour or so then went home. In the following days I developed the worst pain I have ever felt in my life up to now. I have been through some serious stuff, but this pain had me speechless on the floor of my apartment. I was suffering from OHSS - my ovaries were full of fluid and several times bigger than they should be. It was excruciating. Mercifully it stopped being unbearable after the first day. The whole time, even through the worst of it, I was thinking of my recipients and hoping she & her partner would get a child out of this. I'm not discounting my pain but I know the pain, emotional and physical, they went through up to this point was worth mine. That's really all I have to say. I'm starting my second donation cycle soon. I wanted you to read a story from a real donor, not a horror story, and feel better about your origins if you were perhaps feeling conflicted. You are one of the most wanted children on the Earth. People that will never meet went through so much to give you life. Remember that any time you feel low.
Date submitted: March 20, 2014
Re: Before I do this
I am currently 3 months pregnant with a donor egg conceived child, who will have an amazing big sister conceived by IVF with what was apparently almost my last viable egg.
I don't know about other people who end up making this decision, but I suspect their path is similar. Years of heartbreak trying to conceive. Agonizing over decisions. Holding it in as long as you can while you happily congratulate yet another friend who tells you she is expecting, before you can find someplace quiet to weep. And through it all... the knowledge that you will be so utterly grateful for a miracle child and will surely love them more than any other parent loves their child.
I do worry about our second child facing the challenges presented in some of the donor-conceived postings. My heart aches already with a desire to protect him/her from those feelings. But even greater than that, is the knowledge that this child is SOOOOOO unbelievably wanted and loved.
Grateful seems like such a trite, small word for what I feel for our egg donor. That you are even considering being one speaks volumes about the light in your soul. Know that if you do go ahead, I can't imagine that any child conceived with your eggs will not be loved beyond compare.
Date submitted: February 23, 2014
Re: Before I do this-
hey, you! :) [Part2]
I think I didn't answer your questions enough, so here I go again!
I wanted to tell ya that it would be a super idea to read books from the donor conceived, there are plenty that are listed on Alana S. Newman's Links page. Remember, despite how this generation's priorities are incredible narcissist, you absolutely have keep in mind parenting is the art of rearing beautiful and emotionally fulfilled individuals, it's not giving a child away to "a couple who wants them". We treat pets and furniture in that manner (contracting and paying for something "we want"), not humans. We "want and desire" cars and furniture, but we love/consider our children and treat them with upmost respect that is their right as little people.
Look at the trials and consideration that is invested into adoption, then compare it to baby-donning. Study how social workers pick families based on what children need from their parents (for instance, a fatherless boy who has had psychological trauma with his birthmother, might do better in a home with two gay dads, than a lesbian home or a traditional one), but then study the lack of care and consideration done with industries such as surrogacy/egg donning. Anyone with money can buy a child; implant him/her into a woman (or incubator as she is looked at) and get the baby to do whatever they want with it. This had lead to incidents such a a abuse. Alana has talked about such cases and you can hear about in her wonderful lecture "The Emperor's New Kids"
http://theothersideofsurrogacy.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-emperors-new-kids-first-hand.html?m=1
There is the additional worry I have for good women like you. There are high levels of exploitation done to egg donors. If you scroll down bellow to the first(last) entry in the Surrogate/Donor/Birthparents Page called "Oops I sold my kids", you can see this. You're raw material; a breeding female, nothing more than a registered number, similar to the ones given to cattle and livestock who are used for food. You don't even have a name! But not only that, you also risk losing your ability to have more children, because the hormones used for the egg-retrieval surgery could take your fertility. There is a video called Eggslpoitation, that talks about this issue deeply. Watch it, my sweet friend!
In response to your dream for a open adoption with your children's adoptive parents, the best solution I can advise you to consider is to be a coparent. The main difference between coparenting and eggdonning is that in coparenting you're family, in eggdonning you're raw material. In coparenting, You'd meet ('date') the people you procreate with, you form a trusting friendship with them, you make babies and co-raise them together. How cool is that? :) Many gay couples seek women for coparenting as well as singled men. You could be making their dreams of fatherhood come true, while insuring that your kids are being raised by (a) good male role model(s) you approve of, are not bought and sold; but created out of love, all while not denying the child his/her birthmother and its maternal family. There is a website who carter to this called Modamily.com. You should seriously consider it!
Lastly (and I cannot emphasize this more), in your research, please do not seek the opinion of people who profit from this practice (other donors and the recipients). Their views will usually be very biased and very different from the people who this practice will directly affect (the children).
Peace, my friend.
Date submitted: February 21, 2014
Re: Before I do This-
Hey, You! :)
Glad you're thinking about this before doing it.
It is important to remember that parenting is not about 'doing what your gut tells you' but it is doing what is best for the children.
Ma'am, after reading these (majority wise) heart-broken stories, do you honestly want to trade your children off, and allow a stranger to raise them? You have absolutely no connections to your clientele, anything can happen to your children. Furthermore you won't be alerted when your biological babies are born, or when they die. You won't be notified if their parents are maniacs and did something terrible to them.
Furthermore your kids will be brought into existence through engineering, and manufactured together like a project in a lab. Their life would be brought by the consistency of lawyers, contracts, brokers and payments. Is this any way to bring into the world a baby? Through payment plans? What about the love, the connection, the friendship, and the emotional bonds with the people you create life with?
To add to this, do you honestly want the parents of your biological children to be the parents who opt for this sort of trade in the first place? Who BUY families--intentionally separating children from their biological parent, instead of giving one of the millions of children in foster care and adoption a chance? Think about it. Half of your children will be selected from a cataloger, and their genetics will be chosen in the same manner one selects materials for a construction project, or livestock. You run the emotional risk of your child feeling as if she had been bought and sold, that her mother cared more about her finances than her. You run the risk of her desperately trying to find you and her half-siblings, but never succeeding.
The social parents who opt for this will only love/consider your children to the extent that it is convenient for them. They (as another poster had made clear) could even burden your children and make you their birthmother anonymous for their own personal emotional security, not for the benefit of the children. Look at these intended-parents, they are aware of how the donor-conceived feel, yet they still selfishly insist that their needs/woes to have a kid far exceed the emotional trauma that these children are put through. Some are even at the process of going through the procedure regardless, even AFTER reading how their kids could potentially feel. Is this REALLY the type of people raising your biological children?
Think about it.
Date submitted: February 17, 2014
Before I Do This
Hello -
For a while now i been thinking about donating my eggs to a family who cannot conceive a child. I am 21 years old and a mother of a beautiful 3 year old i love with all my heart. After becoming a mother i thought so much about the families that wish they could have this gift but sadly cant. I always wished i could help and now that i am at the age to help i really want to go through a egg donation and give a family the chance of possibly having a precious gift of there own as i do.
I received the papers from the egg donation clinic yesterday when i arrived home from work. After going through the 1000 page application i started to wonder more about the process. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it to i started researching a little more and came across this page.
Honestly now i am a bit scared. Not about the process but about what i have read here. I would love to have an open donation so that if the child wants to know who i am in the future they can, but i see in most cases parents don't want there children to know and i completely understand.What scared me is what if this mother starts feeling like the baby is not her child when and if she does conceive it. what if she starts feeling like shes holding a strangers eggs and then our baby is not treated as her own.
Or what if the baby is told in the future and is later mad at his/her mom and at me for doing this for them? what if the child grows up feeling like i didn't care for them or like they want to know who i am but cant or like a piece of there life is missing or if it doesn't look like the family but like me and feels betrayed.
I just want the family and there baby to love each other NO MATTER WHAT, i am afraid of the child being brought into a unhappy home and living unhappy because of this choice i want to make.
I guess now after reading these post i am really double thinking this. I look at my daughter every day and wonder how hard it would be on me and on her if she was not really mine and how she would react when i told her she didn't have my dna. Even though that is not the case with me i cant help but wonder because it will be the case of the parents i donate my eggs too. I would like to hear stories from every other point of view to make sure i make the right choice.
please reply with the same tittle as another post so i can read what you think
thank you all
Date submitted: February 13, 2014
intended parent
I married late, at 34. I spent that time making sure everything was perfect for the time that the right person would come along. I finished grad school and established myself in my field. After marriage we bought a great house, high on hill, in a neighborhood where the kids play outside and everyone watches out for each other. My husband and I are best friends and everything seemed perfect. We started trying to conceive about 14 months ago. After 8 months I saw a RE and found out that my hormonal levels are those of someone 12 years my senior and that I have a less than 5% chance of delivering- even with 20K of IVF. We are trying, but with little hope of success. My husband very strongly does not want to adopt and I have not been able to change his mind. I am currently looking at egg donors as our backup plan and wanted to say how much the donors are appreciated. I feel better knowing that there are other options and that there are such generous people out there.
Date submitted: February 12, 2014
Looking for Advice
My husband and I have a biological son and are considering using an egg donor to try for a second child. Our intent is to tell our child from an early age that he/she was conceived using a donor egg and that he/she will have the option to contact the egg donor at age 18. We are finalizing the contract with the egg donor and she changed her mind about providing her name to us. However she is agreeing to contact when our child becomes an adult, but we would need to reach her through the agency.
For children conceived through sperm or egg donation, what would you think of this arrangement?
To be honest, it is terribly difficult for us to make a decision on behalf of our future child when it is almost impossible for us to put ourselves in his/her shoes.
Thank you in advance for any advice.
Date submitted: January 31, 2014
Letter to all parents - especilally to An almost 'SMC'
Hi there,
I read your post and your story made me sad.
I am Steph, I am DC offspring from Belgium. I am 35 and a third of a triplet. I knew that I was DC at the age of 25.
I never blamed my parents for their decision of insemination with donor sperm. Most of DC offspring don't blame their parents, they blame the system. What I do regret is that my parents never told me and that my government keeps on violating the human right of offspring to know or have more information about our donors.
But you have the means to indulge yourself with good information and learn from the past. You can have a child and grant him the right to know who he descents from. You can chose a donor close to you (in your circle of friends), someone who he can reach out to whenever he feels the need. Or you can choose an open donor from a sperm bank. Here the child has the opportunity to contact him later on in life.
It is also important to raise your child with love, openness and honesty.
If you go for a donor through a sperm bank please be aware that your child can have an unknown amount of half siblings.
As a parent (this regards all parents) it's your job to guide your child on the path called life. All you can do is your best.
Life is not always simple. Therefor it is important you make a decision based on good information, your desire, but also including the human right of your child. You have the chance to be one of the new-generation of parents that makes such decision on that bases.
Your child will never blame you for that, he will cherish you for it.
Here a great link to a documentary with an interview with a sperm donor, and DC offspring. http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh0XTWQnc2EkQI49zg
Date submitted: January 21, 2014
Story from birth parent of donor conceived child
I am a birth parent. My daughter was conceived with the help of an egg donor. She knows about her origins and has absolutely no negative feelings at all. In fact, she feels very positive about being donor conceived. She has had the opportunity to meet not only with her donor, but also with other children she is genetically related with through the same donor. We have all met together at restaurants, Disney World, other places and had just a grand time together. We are like one big family. Now, perhaps the people reading this only want to hear negative stories, but is that really fair and balanced? No. So this is my story.
Date submitted: November 15, 2013
Responding to Backfire
Dear DCB,
I understand the emotional pain you feel about losing your friendship. I too helped a friend overcome her disability, and infertility is a disability, by giving her my eggs. In return she also did not thank me and grew distant, then rude, until there wasn't anything left of our friendship. This hurt me tremendously to the point that I had to seek counseling to overcome my hurt at their ingratitude.
Then a wonderful person who has dealt with many egg donation issues explained something to me: try to understand that many infertile parents, after years of trying to conceive and finally getting this chance, become paranoid. Your friend is just afraid that you may jeopardize her relationship with her child. I suggest you send her a paragraph or two explaining that you never intended to hurt her relationship with her child and that you are just so happy that she is now a parent. Maybe she will feel more at ease to contact you and who knows, she might even invite you to her house one day.
All the best,
Unwise eggdonor
Date submitted: November 14, 2013
Responding to Wonder
Dear "Wonder",
I certainly understand how the money involved with 'donating' can be an enormous motivating factor in your consideration.
But please, don't do it.
You won't receive this advice from any 'egg donation' agency because their interests are biased.
Aside from how your 'donated' children might feel/what they might experience, have you considered these questions?:
Did you know that there are serious health risks involved with hormone injections and other drugs that stimulate follicles, promote egg maturation and prevent the release of eggs before they can be retrieved?
Did you know that women have become infertile and some have even died from these invasive drugs? (see http://www.eggsploitation.com/)
Did you know that no long term studies have been done on the health effects of these drugs, which might also possibly cause cancer?
Have you considered how you will feel if you never have biological children of your own, knowing that you actually do in fact have biological children who you will never know, that another woman/man, or man/men, are raising?
If you do have 'your own' children, have you considered how selling your eggs might affect your future social children? They will have one, two, five or more unknown half siblings out there.
How might 'your own' possible future children feel about potentially meeting an unknown sibling and potentially having a incestuous relationship with them - IF you tell them? (Have you heard of genetic sexual attraction?)
Would you tell them?
Could you live with this secret if you chose not to?
How might that secret affect you and your relationship with your social children?
What if they found out by accident?
Have you considered how your parents might feel if you sold their biological grandchildren away (pre-conception)? Grandchildren they will never know or have a meaningful relationship with.
Would you even tell them?
Again, the secrecy question and how that affects you and your relationships.
If you have siblings who have biological children, have you considered how their children would feel knowing that they have unknown cousins out there that they could potentially, meet and have a relationship with?
Would you even tell them?
Again, the secrecy question and how that affects you and your relationships.
Have you considered how a future love interest might feel knowing that you have (many) unknown children out there?
How might his parents and siblings feel about this?
Would you even tell him/them?
Again, the secrecy question and how that affects you and your relationships.
Did you know that your 'donated' children could possibly track/find you, or your bio-social children, your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles down through dna testing, creating a huge emotional roller coaster for you and your social family?
You might explain yourself to all these people you’d affect if you chose to do this that you did it just because you wanted to help others, but everyone will know that you’re real motivation was money and ignorance.
If you read this, you can’t claim ignorance.
The ‘egg poachers’ will persuade you otherwise.
They don’t care about you or all the many people that would be affected by their profit industry.
I do.
The money is NOT worth it. DON’T do it.
Date submitted: October 12, 2013
Wonder
I am only 19. I am trying to make ends meet to pay my tuition. I believe donating eggs to a couple that needs them is a beautiful thing. I want to donate anonymously, but I don't want my biological child to be stuck with that sense of wonder or loneliness that I have read about. I want to help a family feel complete, but I do not want a child to always feel incomplete. I just want to help. Will my anonymous eggs end up being a blessing or a curse?
Date submitted: October 11, 2013
Donation can backfire
I donated eggs to a very close single friend that couldn't have children and she had a donor baby boy seven years ago. This was someone who I had grown up with since childhood but we were now in our early forties. I already had three children, but had to watch her have at least half a dozen miscarriages over the years through her husband. When she asked me would I consider donating my eggs, I was delighted to help and couldn't understand why I hadn't thought of it before. I didn't really think of the repercussions, just that I could help my friend and give her the gift of life. I suppose I had this idealistic view of how we would continue our close relationship, but as one big conjoined family, I probably didn't think beyond that.
We agreed she was going to tell the child from as early as possible because I said as a christian I didn't ever want to harbor a lie. But when she was pregnant the relationship began to turn sour and she began to turn her back on me. I didn't interfere and was always happy to stay well in the background. But she became colder and colder so it got to the point when I felt she actually hated me and in the end she ignored my calls. She moved from New York back to her parents in Ohio to have the baby. That was the last I heard from her as she moved states again as her husband changed jobs. I am still loosely in contact with her mom as she is good friends with my folks. Her mom told me that it became very hard for her to come to terms with not conceiving naturally. She also told me she has decided not to tell the child which went against our agreed plan. I feel that I lost my best friend because of it and I miss the friendship we had, so that I wish I never had done it or she had chosen an anonymous donor because I would still have her. She never even said thank you - that is what hurts the most. I never even got to see a photo of the boy and only found out from my folks that she had given birth. Her mom and my parents agreed later the subject would be closed and never discussed as it was causing friction. While I am glad she got what she wanted and I have tried to be understanding and forgiving, deep down I feel a mix of anger, hurt and rejection after what meant to be a good deed.
Date submitted: September 06, 2013
Egg Donor Regret, and what I didn't know at the time
This is likely going to be a book, as once I start writing, it will probably all come out. I've been holding a lot of this inside, as it's very hard for me to confront and admit how my thinking on my egg donations have changed so drastically over the past 5 years.
In my mid-20s, after having recently gotten married, I started to feel the urge to have children, yet I knew that my new husband and I were not ready yet financially. So I began looking into egg donation. It sounded like such an amazing thing to help out other couples and to give of myself in such a way. I took a lot of time to research egg donation and to really make sure it was something that I was prepared to do (I also wanted to make sure that my husband was fully on board). It took a little while to be submitted and accepted into a couple egg donor agencies and then wait to be matched as an "unproven" donor. But when I was finally matched at age 27, I was ecstatic and so excited to be doing something so significant with my life.
I ended up doing three back-to-back egg donations at age 27. Though it's something that I wouldn't have admitted at the time, because it sounds so harsh, even though it is largely true - that year my greatest worth was as an EGG FACTORY. I learned about REs and egg donor/IVF protocols quickly. I learned all about my different hormone levels and what different numbers meant. So when I was "stimmed" to the point where my estradiol levels got to a dangerous 12,000, I was aware that a women in a normal IVF cycle would NEVER be allowed to get her levels this high, or their cycle would be cancelled for fear of extreme OHSS. However, I was not a normal women going through their own IVF. I was not the one paying for the drugs being put in my body. I could afford to suffer OHSS if I developed it. After all, I was just the donor. I was not going to have to transfer embryos back and possibly get pregnant and risk worse OHSS.
I was just a donor.
But I was ok with this. Because, again, I was so excited to have the chance to help another couple conceive. At the time, I didn't care what my body went through.
I produced 50 eggs. The next cycle I produced 65. The third cycle, with a different doctor who finally lowered my dosages, I produced a slightly more normal (though still high) number of 34.
Then I decided I was ready to get pregnant with my own children. My husband and I tried for awhile, found out we had some male infertility problems. We were told that WE'D need IVF to get pregnant. I independently matched with a couple online who was interested in splitting a cycle with me, where I'd get half my eggs for my own IVF instead of any momentary compensation. As I was also desperate for my own child and would do anything to get it, I agreed to the split cycle with the couple. However, the doctor advised us against the split cycle and being indecisive, confused and exhausted, and since I'd already somewhat committed to the couple, I decided to do one last egg donation for them. I was 29 at the time.
We worked with a doctor in Las Vegas at a well-known fertility clinic there, where I was treated horribly unprofessionally and negligently and hope that this doctor does not get away with something like this again with someone less educated about the process who cannot stand up for themselves.
Everything was fine with until the very end of the stimulation meds. At an appt. he said that he wanted me to trigger my ovulation that evening, but I (very politely) pointed out my follicle sizes and estradiol levels and mentioned that my previous three cycles I had waited one extra day before triggering with excellent results. He immediately dismissed my concerns and said he wanted to do it his way. I was taken aback by this, as this was my 4th donation cycle and I was very familiar with how my body responded to the drugs and shocked that a doctor would not listen to their patient, especially a patient like myself who was rather educated on the process.
Because it was an independent match, I was able to contact my recipient parents and express my concerns. She was also concerned, and as the paying party who had a much larger say in things than I, she tried numerous times to contact the doctor directly to ask about me waiting an extra day to trigger. The doctor ignored her and flat out refused to call her back. The recipient and I had a very difficult time trying to decide what to do, but at the very last minute, decided to follow doctor's orders (even though we didn't agree with them), and I did my trigger shot, though it was about 20 minutes late.
While a late trigger shot may be slight inconvenience and delay the retrieval surgery process by 10-15 minutes, it is not something that would be detrimental to the donation process. I knew this. My recipient knew this. Anyone who's ever done an egg donation or IVF and who understand how it all works knows this.
First thing the next morning, the doctor himself called me and told me that because I had refused to follow orders, that my cycle was being cancelled and he was refusing to do my retrieval. I assured him that I had in fact done the trigger shot (he could bring me in for bloodwork to prove this if he desired), but he continued to claim that because I had failed to follow orders he was cancelling my cycle. I informed him that he was leaving me in a very medically precarious situation, as once the trigger is done, and without a retrieval surgery, I was getting ready to ovulate 25-30+ eggs ALL AT ONCE. He said that I should have thought about that before I refused to follow orders.
Furiously, I started making phone calls and I thankfully was able to find an RE who had worked with me in the past who was willing to take me on at the last second and still do a retrieval on me. The recipient couple did end up getting pregnant, but unfortunately miscarried at 8 weeks.
After this horrible experience with donation #4, I knew that I would never do another donation again. While I knew that I previously was just being used for my eggs, I had been able to accept it before. But after donation #4, and knowing that I still had not yet provided my OWN husband with a child, and had instead had shared my fertility with other couples to have families and biological offspring that I'd never get to meet, it began to really affect me. My supportive husband said he was ok with how things had turned out in life, but even still, it bothered ME. One of the reasons I married him is because I wanted HIM, my husband, to be the father of my kids. I've never even shared the "marriage act" with anyone else other than him - yet I completely and willingly allowed my genes to be mixed with a stranger and someone else to be the father to my biological offspring.
It just hit me very hard and I didn't know how to handle these new regretful feelings about my donations. When I originally did them, I honestly and completely did them with sincerity and I fully thought that I was doing the right thing. All throughout my donations, I was told that what I was doing was so noble, and I believed that. I went through a psychological evaluation before being able to donate and was cleared for being in the right mindset to donate. I must have given all the right answers, because at the time, those were all the right answers that I had read and been led to believe were my own as well.
It is very difficult for me to now admit that I regret doing my donations. I regret that I have biological offspring with men I don't know. That I have children out there that I don't know. I can't say that I regret having created lives, because I mean, how could anyone say that? I don't regret that. But I do regret how it happened.
I have my own daughter now. After donation #4, my husband had found another doctor who was able to treat an underlying issue that he was facing so that we could conceive without IVF.
Now that my husband and I have our own child, I also regret my donations because I have forced my daughter to have half-siblings that she will never meet or know. When doing the donations, I never thought about this part, about how I would explain my donations to any future children I might have. I just didn't think about it. I was living in the excitement of the "now" and the flurry of shots and Dr. appointments and of feeling significant. I didn't fully think of the long-term complications this would cause.
I know that I at least have 5 biological offspring out there somewhere (possibly more if any of the couples chose to do sibling cycles afterward). While right now they are all under 5yrs old, I know that someday, they are going to learn the truth of their creation and they are going to wonder who I am. I wish I could reach out to them and explain who I am and why I did what I did. I do hope that someday in the future, that some of them reach out to me so that we both may be able to fully comes to terms with this very unique biological lineage that I was not aware of when I created.
Date submitted: August 27, 2013
donor father seeking children
in 1985 i signed up to be a semen donor ... as a college student who was approaching middle age, i needed the money ... the pay was $35 per donation, which was substantially more than i was earning in any of my other student jobs ... i entered the program mainly because of the money ...
i had little social life and no romantic life ... though still hopeful, i knew in my heart that i would probably never have my own conventional family ...
helping a real, live family that was unable to conceive seemed like an honorable thing to do ... becoming a semen donor was my way of connecting to the larger society, even if it were a bloodless and passionless way ...
i never thought through the issues having to do with infertility and anonymous semen donation, and what this means to the child ...
after about a year in the program, i was told i had reached the prescribed limit of children produced, and that my services were no longer needed ...
born around 1986, my children would probably be celebrating their 28th birthdays this year ...
people used to believe that the less the donor father had to do with the family, the better, as it was the family, not the donor, who mattered most in the child's upbringing ...
i'm happy that in the past few decades the ground has shifted from the right of a family to have a child to the rights of the child ... i hope that the trend will continue and that the great civil rights effort of this century will be the comprehensive rights of young people ...
knowing who you are and where you're coming from is a fundamental right, like food, clothing, and shelter ... a child should be told who their surrogate father or mother is as soon as they're able to understand ... they can then make their decision about what they want to do with the information, but lying to the child about who they are is never acceptable ...
to my surrogate children: if you feel happiness, know that i'm happy to have played an important role in bringing you into the world ... if, however, you feel pain in not being able to know your father, i know that your pain is real ... i hurt for you; i hurt for all of us ...
Date submitted: August 01, 2013
My Unsaleable Semen
Back in the late 80's, I was a college student looking to make some easy money by donating semen. I graduated, left the country to do some volunteer work, and came back to that city a couple of years later to look for a job.
Thinking that some extra cash would come in handy during my job search, I contacted the clinic I had gone to previously and inquired about becoming a donor again.
Turned out that nobody wanted to buy my semen because I was adopted and unable to provide any family medical history!
Ah well, funny old world, isn't it?
To All of My Progeny
Although I may never meet you, I want you to know that you are truly loved. Like you, my own origin has been a mystery to me for most of my life. As I wake, I wonder about you. Now, today, and every day, I hope that you live in the love and esteem that I hold for you. Just as you search for me, I search for you. Any face, any child. Young men and women. We are strangers. Even though we are bound by blood, the tangled skein of life obscures our association. Spend your time in this world wisely. Choose your associations, lest they choose you. Own your lives, and remember that this world belongs to you as much as it belongs to anyone else. Always keep one foot firmly planted on the ground. Though sometimes your road may be rocky, never doubt that you can succeed.
I LOVE YOU.
Sincerely,
Your Father
Egg Donor
I'm in the process of providing an anonymous family my eggs. I don't understand why some of some of the children of donors are upset. So you don't look exactly like your mom or share her DNA but she did everything possible to get you. Have you looked up the costs to get an egg donor. Not just the compensation but the flight if she is out of state or the hotel,food,hormone injections ect that they have to pay for. Love that they love you and accept you. I'm just helping a couple who deserve a family.Sure the hormones make me a little moody right now but the feeling that I'm completing someones family is worth it to me.
Single mother in St.Louis Mo
I am a birth mother to a beauitful baby girl who is now 5 yrs old. I have always wanted to be a mother and age was against me and the fact that I had never met a Mr.Right . I love my child with all my being and only want to give her the best of everything just as all parents do. When I had the bio clock ticking I asked an ex who I had remained really close to for many years and have known him since I was 15 to help me. He was not into it for a long time it took me the better part of 2 yrs to convince him . When I did he went along with it and charged me for his "DONATION". At this point in my life I saw what a great father he was to his other 2 kids and I thought he would be the same with this baby. Boy oh boy was I wrong. He is from an all Italian family and he claims they would not accept how she came to be. What a cop out. At any rate I was adjusting to being a only parent to my daughter till she has been asking alot of questions and I dont know how to proceed. My child is very intelligent and will ask me where her daddy is and why he doesnt love her. I tell her he does love her and that he lives very far away and that mommy and daddy just dont get along. The sad thing is he lives a hour from us and he sees his son who is out of state more than he has ever seen his daughter. I want to protect my child and not hurt her in any way so I dont know how to answer her questions she only just turned 5. How do I proceed I want her to know how much I wanted her and would not change a thing. Another thing that bothers me is that we were trying to conceive naturally and it did not happen we had to use a fertility Dr. How can he just walk away and how do I proceed with my child moving forward. Please help if any ideas.
Date submitted: April 24, 2013
Anonymous Donor, Lost at Sea
I was 18, in college, drinking beer and chasing girls. At the time, I didn't think much (or at all) about the consequences of being a sperm donor. The ladies at the bank were very pleasant -- always reminding me what a generous gift I was giving to those who couldn't conceive. I'm a little older, perhaps a little wiser, but as I see baby after baby being listed on DSR, I feel disconcerted. What do I make of all this? I always had a vague notion there might be a person conceived as a result of my donations, but, after reading the emotional stories on this site, how do I handle the fact that there are dozens (or hundreds) of children out there with my DNA. Will they search out for me? Want to meet me? Will they resent me for a decision born out of youthful ignorance, so I could tell my buddies about my "kick-ass swimmers"? How involved might our lives be? Should I remain anonymous and simply keep my medical history updated? Or should I brace myself to one day be sending out 80 Christmas cards to biological children I didn't raise and don't know. Is there some sort of middle ground? After I graduated, I moved on, to a different city and a different lifestyle. And while I may have quietly moved on, I see now the decisions I made remain very much permanent in consequence. At the time I wasn't thinking; now I don't know what to make of what I'm feeling.
Date submitted: April 21, 2013
I donated eggs.
I had four children of my own and read an article about donor eggs and the unhappiness of childless couples. After a lot of thought I decided to donate eggs. It was painful, time consuming and a big intrusion in my life. I did it for the best of reasons, I received no money, in fact the procedure cost me in time off work, transport etc. I did it to make at least 3 lives better and I truly hope that's what happened.
Get over it... Be happy, you have control over your lives now, make the most of your life. You were given life for the very best of reasons, make your life your own and make it worth being.
Date submitted: April 14, 2013
To my child I will never know - I made a mistake
I will miss you until we meet my sweet intimate stranger, until then I will carry you in my heart. But if our kindred eyes fail to recognize the other in that noisome, crowded world - if our familiar souls pass each other blindly by (our search frustrated, or never started), then I wish that you never want for happiness, health or contentment. I wish that the world, despite being what it is, is kind to you and I hope and pray, with all the hypocrisy of the naive, that you never have cause to doubt that you are loved by others, if not by me (you being unaware of me, anonymous stranger; whose face reflects my own; you unaware of my abiding care for you, a care kept kindled by the daily ritual of remembrance and the nightly vigil of my dreams).
Date submitted: April 13, 2013
Proud, loving donor daddy... . .
My name is Dr. [removed for privacy policy]. My story is that of a proud, loving donor daddy, and I would not change a thing nor hide any details. I have helped many couples conceive a baby they have always wanted. Some have been same sex couples, while others have been male/female couples, and still others have been single. These wonderful people have come seeking assistance, and it has been an honour to help provide it to them. I never charge money to help donate, as I would want someone to help me out, too, if I ever needed it. The experiences I have had as a sperm donor have truly changed me as a person. Before I continue, please allow me to elucidate about myself . . .
Certified as a teacher, principal, and superintendent, I currently work as an officer of the court, private investigator, and deception expert. I have worked on two master\'s degree programs and have completed my doctoral degree. If time permits, I may eventually teach part time at a college or university, but right now there is no space in my schedule for it. I greatly enjoy my work and do not care if others know I am a sperm donor.
Originally born in Oklahoma City in the United States of America, I have traveled to over fourty different countries and have lived in Estonia, India, Mexico, and China. I have also lived in Texas and Alaska, and I currently reside in Edmond, Oklahoma. The opportunity I have had to travel has broadened my horizons and has made me more open to the idea of donating sperm to singles and couples. Indeed, I first began donating back in 2009 while living in China.
I always inform potential recipients that I have no sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and I test regularly and show them the results. Since I only donate via artificial insemination (AI), that pretty much ensures that I do not get diseases or pass them on to others. This is especially important, since I am happily married, which seems to also put recipients at ease. Of course, my wife knows about everything and supports my endeavor to help others, too, and she is monogamous.
It is also important that people to whom I donate know that I have no criminal history and am a vegetarian. I really take care of my health, as this is very important to me for many reasons. Health is indeed wealth, and it is important that I keep my body and thus sperm healthy. I take great care never to go into hot tubs, do not drink or smoke, etc. It is also important that I keep myself healthy, as I have a wife, parents, siblings, and several kids of my own who rely upon me.
Whenever I donate sperm to recipients, I do not discriminate against them because of their age - except in such cases where their chances of conceiving are very small or nonexistent, weight, sexual orientation, height, transgendered status, race, ethnicity, nationality, veteran status, marital status, political affiliations, religious beliefs or the lack thereof, etc. I have a \"live and let live\" policy per se, and that seems to suit many people just fine. I do wish, however, that all recipients will raise their kids to be open-minded, loving individuals.
I have always been open to being a known donor. I am perfectly fine if any of the kids I help conceive contact me via SKYPE, e-mail, regular mail, via Facebook, telephone, web camera, or in person. I believe that it is great if the kids born from my sperm and the recipients\' eggs know about me. Most recipients and I have agreed that the kids will know by at least the time they are eighteen, but all recipients seem to want something different.
Some people I help want me to put my name on the birth certificate and to have the child and my kids contact each other at any time. Indeed, some of the people I have helped and I have grown so close that they even have keys to my house. Our kids will play together and we will all get together for certain holidays and other times. I love it! This is always the very best scenario for me.
Other individuals I help do not want the child(ren) to know anything until they are eighteen years of age. They want to keep things more private, and this is fine with me. I wish they would tell their kids right away, and I am perfectly fine if they ever change their minds and want their kids to seek me out earlier.
A few couples who are male/female couples want to put the husband\'s name on the birth certificate and just tell the child that he or she is the husband\'s son or daughter. This is a little different and, I suppose, deceptive to the kids. However, if this brings such great joy and happiness to the couple and the kids have wonderful, loving, kind parents, then so be it.
I know that couples can break up, and that there is always the possibility that the birth mummy will tell her child(ren) that her husband or perhaps ex-husband is not his/her/their \"real\" daddy. I have no control over such things, but I just want everyone to be happy and healthy.
I will not donate to sperm banks, as they sell sperm in much the same way as international adoption centers sell kids born overseas. I know how much money some couples who went the sperm bank route spent each time they tried, and it was so much! Couples have told me, \"We were spending so much money on this each time and could only try once every several months. Now that we found you, we can try each month for much less!\"
Hearing what you had to say on this website has made me think a great deal about the donation process and its effects on the kids born from sperm donation. As far as I know, two mummies or two daddies can raise the kids just as well as a mummy and a daddy can. However, I suppose my situation and the way I help others is different than kids who are conceived through a sperm bank. I suppose it is also different, as I am willing to be known at any time to any child I help conceive. However, questions now loom on my mind.
After listening what has been said on this website and after doing a bit of other research, I ask myself several things. \"What would it be like to grow up not knowing my daddy?\" is one such question. Also, I would wonder how many siblings I have out there. I do try to help recipients I have helped who want to make things known connect with each other, so as to help each child get a better sense of his or her roots and identity. Nevertheless, my heart and sympathy go out to those who will never know who their father was or who their siblings might be.
I suppose this debate will continue for some time to come, but I hope that all kids I help through donating are happy, healthy, and may, if they so desire, know that I helped conceive them. I never hide who I am, and I am readily found on Facebook and through a simple Google search. I hope that sperm banks are required to tell kids who their father is, like Great Britain has since done. I commend the discussions this website is promoting, and I hope that it brings about changes which will benefit the kids born from all sperm donations. :)
Date submitted: January 06, 2013
Don't
(Reposted from original interview with Jennifer Lahl, at www.eggsploitation.com)
I grew up in foster care and aged out at 18 without ever having a family. I was a good kid, talented in the arts and academics. I worked hard with the hope that a family would want me. I was never adopted so needless to say I've been desperate to be a part of a family my entire life.
I was never paid for my eggs. I gave my eggs away. A few years ago, I gave my eggs to good friends with the naive belief that this was a way for me to be part of a family--and I would even have a genetic connection! I was promised that I would always be part of the family and the child's life. I was told that I was "always meant to be part of their family and that their family never felt complete until I came along." I wanted to give my friends what I never had--a family. I thought, "When would I ever have a chance to make such a huge difference in someone's life again?" And I would be part of a family too. How could I not do it? I was so eager for love and had no one looking out for my best interests which made me easily exploited, even if unintentionally.
I took Follistim, Menopur, and Lupron. The doctors assured me there were no long term side effects from egg donation. The only risk was OHSS which only happened in 1% they said. Knowing what it's like to yearn for family, I went through with the egg donation for my friends. I had to take some genetic tests for diseases, health tests, and a counseling session over the phone. The counseling session was about my life history and how the egg donation might affect my friends. It was never about my psychological needs. I produced an unreal 47 eggs. At first I felt pride in that. Now that I know better, I am angry that the doctors risked my health and allowed twice the normal amount of eggs normally produced by donors to develop and allowed my ovaries to stretch beyond safe levels. I was so uncomfortable. I looked pregnant. I had to hold up my distended abdomen just to walk during the last few days before the retrieval.
During the egg donation process the doctors and nurses were super supportive except for when I questioned anything like the fact that all the drugs came in my friend's name. When I questioned it I was told "Because she's the one paying for everything" in a pretty harsh tone. Um, she may have been paying financially, but she was not the only one paying for the donation. Plus, it's illegal to take drug prescriptions written for someone else isn't it? After the egg retrieval their attitude towards me changed. They did not want anything more to do with me, especially when I had complications. I became an annoyance. During the whole process I had some eye problems. My vision was a little blurry and my eyes ability to focus changed. My eyes returned to normal about six months later, but when I asked the fertility doctor about it he told me that he never heard of that happening. I later researched it and discovered that the FDA lists it as a side effect of the drugs I was given.
Immediately after the retrieval, I had a lot of bleeding and discomfort. I became severely depressed to the point where I needed antidepressants but my mental health continued to decline. My periods stopped. My hair became dry and brittle. My skin changed and I got a lot of acne. I gained weight at an alarming rate but my diet did not change. Driving over bumps, jumping, or any type of rough movement was a little painful for months after my donation. I kept calling the clinic with my concerns but each time I was told my side effects were normal and would get better. Six months without a period was normal? The side effects did not get better.
Finally I went to see my doctor who ran tests and found that my hormone levels were "all over the place." He referred me to a specialist who told me I had what seemed like PCOS and then I was referred to an endocrinologist. I will be on drugs to control my hormones for the rest of my life. I still go months without a period. My mental health continues to be an issue and is very much linked to my hormones. My ovaries have remained enlarged and I will most likely never be able to conceive naturally, if at all.
My friends promised me I could have the remaining embryos, but they have since changed their minds. They've changed their minds about a lot of things.
My friends have decided that I am no longer part of their family. She cannot handle that her son looks exactly like me. She is devastated that her son has no genetic link to her. She wishes he had come out looking like her husband because I remind her that he's not hers. I'm not sure what she expected when she took my DNA. I'm no longer part of my "nephew's" life after loving him for over two years; I have to stalk the father's blog to watch him grow up. I would have never given them my eggs had I thought I would not be a part of the child's life.
Despite my gift and sacrifices for the people I love, they have abandoned me. My devastation and drastic mood swings became too much for me and I attempted to end my life. This was a scary blessing. Antidepressants didn't work well for me so the psychiatrists ran tests and found the right medications to balance my hormone levels and I feel so much better and a lot more stable. I donated my eggs out of a desire to mend the broken hearts of people that I love and my own. What I got in return was a hormonal disorder, major depression, infertility, and another family abandoning me for reasons I do not understand. I wish I could go back in time and spare my body, fertility, mind, and my heart.
Egg donation is NOT harmless like I was led to believe. It has seriously affected every part of my life. I often cry about the loss of my friends, my family, the little person with half my DNA and my ability to have my own genetic children someday. If you're thinking about donating your eggs for ANY reason--DON'T. It's not worth it.
Proud to have donated
I became a sperm donor because I wanted to, not to make money. In the UK where I live there isn't the same level of financial compensation for donors as there is in other countries. I received £250 (around $385 dollars US) for just under thirty donations. My travelling expenses were also reimbursed.
Since 2004 the law in the UK has changed and donors have had the right to anonymity removed. I recognise the torment caused to donor conceived children who do not have the right to know their biological father, in my view the change in the law is a very positive one.
In the UK the number of families that can be treated with donor sperm is limited to ten.
When my donor children reach eighteen they will be able to trace me, I sincerely hope that they make this choice, I will be in my late fifties by this time and I will probably welcome the company of younger people. Not all donors or potential donors feel the same and the number of men coming forward has dropped considerably since the right to anonymity was removed.
My reasons for donating were very complex, initially I wasn't that serious about it and just wanted to have the fertility test and sperm analysis. I did not realise that only 5% of men who come forward have sperm that is suitable for freezing I realised that I almost had an obligation to continue with it. It was only after the initial tests that I really began to give serious thought to my reasons for doing it.
Partly I wanted to help people who could not conceive, partly I wanted to send my genes forward into the future having no children of my own, partly it just seemed like something very positive to do. It is not very fashionable to be pro-human these days but I really felt that adding to the population was a good thing to do. I felt that if a single woman or a couple were prepared to go to the lengths of being treated with donor sperm then the resulting child would be wanted and loved.
I can understand that being the result of a medical process, sharing your genes with a stranger, having many half-siblings that are not known to you may be very difficult. I hope my donor children will be able to rationalise these difficulties, weighed against the fact that they have a life to live, a life that they would otherwise not have had, a life potentially filled with fascination and joy then I hope they won't appear to be such huge problems.
A Donor
Re: Italian Donor 13 Nov 2011
Not knowing much about the authors/contributors here, or the author of the referenced post, a legal point is worth noting.
In Italy artificial insemination with donor sperm has been illegal for a number years, since, I think, 2008. In fact, thousands of Italian couples go abroad for such treatment each year. This is true. You can confirm my statement easily enough through online sources, including the Italian press.
So how can "Italian Donor" be doing what he states unless it was before 2008? If I recall correctly, a temporary legal ban on the procedure when into effect several years before the referendum. Yes, it was a popular referendum. I remember. I voted in it!
So is he a private donor operating outside a clinical setting? Private donors, acting directly with the recipient, are afforded no immunity from litigation in Italian law because what they're doing is ILLEGAL!
Or maybe he is OUTSIDE Italy?
Not to pick on guys in Italy (which includes me), but some of their "boasting" gets tiresome. On the blogs, every Italian guy brags about doing his hot teacher when he was 17 and she was about 30. Yeah, right, like EVERY female teacher in Italian high schools has sex with her students. Please!
Naturally, none of these claims can be verified.
Welcome to Italy!
Date submitted: April 13, 2012
donor
To all donor concieved children Im sorry. I needed the money and I thought I was making your parents happy. I thought you would be loved and wanted.
But not by me. Please dont hunt me down and break my real family, for they dont know. My gift of life to you could be my own lifes distraction. My real children would not forgive me. My wife, who is my life, would leave me.
I now realise I was wrong. This whole system is wrong. Please forgive me, but I am not your father, nor did I ever intend to be.
Date submitted: March 25, 2012
The many different feelings of different donors (answer to' spermdonor)
Sperm Donor i read your story,
As a sperm Donor and Someone knowing many sperm donors via internet i can say such these feelings are more frequent than anyone could think.
There is a Donor in my country Who donated to' a sperm Bank like you and then privately too: now he is ok and happy about it, but at the beginning he was feeling even guilty. He wrote to' a forum: "am i doing the right thing? Sometimes i feel Like th cukcoo bird Who leave his eggs to' the other birds letting them raise the offsprings..."
An other one Who knows he fathered 28 felt overused and even me sometimes i wonder some questions like "wait but these Will be' my biological kids....and they are far away from Here...it sounds weird" but then in my case i am so happy for the parents and for the children created that i am almost entusiastic about donating.
Everyone is different though and have different feelings: what i suggest you is to' ask the clinic if they can write somewhere you could be' open to' contact....maybe some kids Will call the clinic in the future and if you say you Are open maybe they could call you..... or yes you could sign up to' a special site like DSR.
Bye and support from a sperm Donor
PS If you want to talk about your feelings with other donors sign up on Freespermdonorregistry which will be soon KnownDonorRegistry...i am sure you will feel better!
Date submitted: December 15, 2011
Yesterday I got a phone call from the fertility institute
I am the author of the article here: I am a spermdonor, 09.22.2011. This is my second entry.
Yesterday I got a phone call from the fertility institute, that out of my anonymous sperm donation 2 succesful pregnancies came to happen recently. And there are still vials left. The call came after my initiated interrest how things are, it was a promised call return. It did not came to me as a shock as it did a half a year ago, when I have had a similar conversation, but it turned out to be false alarm, it was some of an error, and it was not out of my samples the pregnancies had happened. But back then, after hearing that several new lives are on their way who are fathered by my semen, it was more then overwhelming. I was dizzy, I had to sit down really. It all became so surreal. Nothing changed in my life, and suddenly I am confronted with this piece of information, that several pregnancies were succesful already. Obviously, as a sperm donor it is something I was well aware of, that it would be only a matter of time that this would happen: this was the purpose, why I did it, but still, hearing someone tell you on the other line, that babies are on its way out of your semen, and being a single guy, not in this life-phase yet to hear something like that normally, it was quite a shock.
Anyway, a couple of weeks later, back then half a year ago, that I called again, it was cleared, that it is not the case. At least not for the time being.
But yesterday it all got real. Two pregnancies are on their way. I failed to aks if there are twins among them, or anything about their conception, I was just holding my cell, and let this information got poured on me. This time I tried, but could not have any emotional response. Nothing. It was in the middle of my workday, actually at lunch break, that I got the call.
Later I googled a picture of a germinating seed, trying to have some focus. I was stearing at it, trying to get into the feeling. To have some sort of association� nothing.
I just told myself, well, later in the evening, laying in my bed, in the dark, the feelings will come. Any sort of an encounter with this information. Actually it was a 1.5 year long journey since I started writing my diary about this, and contacted the institute for the first time, and I knew, someday had this ending. Someday I would get this call, knowing, that it all got real.
I joined my community group in the evening, we had a nice time together, and then I went home, and fell asleep.
Well, I had a dream�. A dream, that got as realistic as only a few of my dreams get. You know those rare occasions in your dreams when you are so into it, and you are getting anxious that this shit is all happening with all its consequences? Such a like�
I was dreaming that 2 of my friends suddenly have died. Both, who are part of that community group I weekly attend, whom I have met that day. One of them is around 45, the other is a college graduate, around 25. The latter looks similar to me, at least I have sympathy for him, he resembles me in some ways, my younger self. I don't remember anymore how they died in my dream, I just got hold of this information somehow, and we were together as a group, and were in shock, but still were trying to talk it through, again, and again, and to digest the shock, that these young lives will never be here with us anymore. At a point the older guys persona left the picture, we mourned for the loss of this youngish guy. I was crying in my dream, it felt very intense, very real. It was almost unbearable. I was just circling around this in my dream, that I will never be able to speak with him, and how I will miss him, and how tragic it is to loose such a young life�
I woke in the middle of the night, and slowly realized, that it was all a dream� I felt so releaved, that this friend of mine has to be well and alive then�
But laying in the dark, almost crying for real, it slowly dawned on me, that this dream was just the emotional reaction, I was longing for� it came actually pretty quickly� And I understood, what I couldn't figure out during the day what I feel right now: I feel grief. I am mourning for my lost 2 children, whom I never will see, never know more about them, then the fact, that they came to exist. I am mourning my role in the process, that it has just ended were others' is just starting. A new family is about to be born somewhere, due to my cooperation. Joy, and tears of joy are all over I imagine, and here am I, not invited, not to participate in this joy.
I wear black today. God, I am so greatful, that I realized, what I am going through from the very beginning: it is going to be a grief process. Now I know it. It is not some winter-melancholy, not depression, it is grief. I do hope, that this consciousness will help me to get through it in a healthy way.
I am contemplating now about two decisions: I might need to see a therapist to get through this� the other: I might want to open up my donor data on the internet, make a page, or register in some database, in spite of the fact, that I am meant to be anonymous. (here we don't have the option of open donation, only anonymous). I don't know. It would be still by chance, that the recipient mother or later the interrested child would find me�
Since these are more US based databases, I don't even know if the recipient mother, or later the child, if they want to find me as the donor, they would even think of me being registered in a US database, being a central-european.
Anyway, I am aware, that all this is part of the mourning process, I guess this is some glimpes of hope, that I could be reached, get involved if they want it like that. I am open for this. Still I am not sure if it's going to hurt them, or hurt me� I guess I have time to make up my mind around this.
I don't know anymore, what I imagined it to be like, when I first decided to donate my sperm, how the process would evolve, but now actually it is somewhat painful.
Anonymous spermdonor
2011-12-09
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Afterword: I guess the reason I share this here is partly due to the common notion about sperm donors I see in writings, that he surely is some irresponsible college student, who will buy beer for his next party out of the money he gets for jerking off into a cup, and afterwards he would never think of it all. A selfish pleasure seeker. That he simply doesn't care. Well, this is absolutely not who I am� It kind of hurts to be perceived like that, or even anything near that. I don't want an award, don't get me wrong� I just wanted to bring in an other aspect. I guess I wrote more about my feelings in my previous entry.
Date submitted: December 09, 2011
The concern of a Donor for the Italian Cryokids
I am the same italian sperm donor, but this time i would like to talk not of my story and reasons of being a donor, but about what italian infertile couples think about gamete donation and the way they will act with their donor conceived babies.
After starting being a private sperm donor i decided to join some infertility forum to share my own experience: after a few days i have just be banned.
The reason was that they don't agree with private donation and for them donation can only be anonymous in order to not interfere with the parent role.
I read parents writing that they will never tell the children, not becouse they were scared by their reaction, but becouse for them DNA IS OF NO IMPORTANCE, genetic roots are nothing as they are the parents and that was all.
Some of them are even just trying to forget they went through egg/sperm donation as they see it as a MERE MEDICAL PROCESS.
Some of them even if they could choose between anonymous and non-anonymous donor they just choosed the anonymous one to preclude children the chance to know their biological father, just becouse for them that was just a donor, nothing important...
In my opinion they are just lieing themselves cause they will never accept they are not biologically related to the babies, so they decide to lie even to the babies and they think this is the best way to "solve the problem", but it's not!
I don't judge badly parents who choose to not tell the child, but what i find horrible is to delete every chance for the baby to know the donor father just in case they discover it!
I admit also the 2 married women i helped won't tell the children, but if they change their minds or if the children discover it i am open to meet them...i don't want an offsprings of mine to be a new blogger like the girl of "Confession of a Cryokid" suffering a lot in missing the half unknown part of herself.
Personally i was HORRIFIED in reading these forums and the way these parents to be act and think, but I read 2 stories which horrified me the most:
-A woman pregnant thanks to embryodonation write that she Will never tell the child and that IF she decide to do so, she Will tell when the son Will be like 30 and trying to' have his own children so to give him eventual Medical information. I though: "what the hell use your brain! The son, now a man, is an adult, he is settling down with his wife to have a family and you traumatize his life revealing such an important truth???"
- An other one went trough egg donation and she was saying she Will never tell and that she herself was forgeting it cause it was something of no importance, just a stressful Medical treatment and nothing more.
Maybe i am too much scientific person, but i don't believe these people saying genetic is of no importance.
I have only a sister, but many many cousins (9 of first degree, but even 70 only from my mother part) and everytime i meet them and all the relatives we love to talk about similarities in the features, the body, the way we talk and move cause this give us a stronger sense of identity and it is beautiful to have such a "big family".
That is why lots of donor conceived just can't wait to meet their half-siblings!!
I think in the 3rd millenium when we are all linked toghether through internet we should learn from the mistakes other did in the past even if they live on the other part of Atlantic Ocean.
I don't like to think in 20 years there will be the italian version of blogs like "anonymous us" and "confession of a cryokid" with lots of teens suffering and crying missing half of their genetic roots or even ALL their roots in case of embryodonation.
So i hope this little story can help people in learning from the mistakes of the past.
lots of love and support to all donor conceived.
an italian donor.
Date submitted: November 13, 2011
Kids are our future! Proud to be a sperm donor.
Since i was a little child i has always been concerned about the big questions about Life and Death and i also loved so much animals, so much that one day refused to eat the beef my mum was offerig: "they killed this animal, i don't want to eat"
My Mum was very concerned so she took my hands, she sat on the bed with me and showed me the decoration of the sheet: "Do you see this big flower? She is the cow and she is dead now, but can u see these little flowers starting from it? They are her babies: she is dead but she will surive through them...she won't be exctincted."
I think she told me this in an emotional peak as after i often thought about having a big family and my own children in future and still i hope i will have a nice family to build up :)
It was a long time ago and now i am 21: i often heard my sister talking about some of her friends having troubles in conceiving, i heard about Cryos international and since i wanted to have an erasmus time i thought "why not to donate? it would be nice to help other people"
I live in Italy, a country where sperm and egg donation is forbidden by law so there are no sperm banks here and that is bad...but reading on the internet i knew the existence of Private Sperm donation so i put announcments last january and started having contacts with infertile couples both italian and english and started meeting for home artificial inseminations...
The first months nothing seemed to work, but then arrived july, the "lucky month", and two women fall pregnant and now they are happily waiting their babies.
I can't describe the happiness of hearing the woman being so surprised and happy after years of sadness and desperation and yes....it was a very good feeling to know there is a new heart beating out there and that it is your biological descendent.
I feel happy in knowing my actions helped new lives to start: i live in Italy, one of the less prolific country of Europe...There are only 1,3 kids for each fertile woman, that means that old people are more and more, while kids and teens won't be so many so i think i could not find a better way to help others...help new lives to start: the kids are our future!!
I know someone could think there is also a narcisistic element and i admit there is: i am considered good looking and especially the women of my family (my mum and my sister) are stunning beautiful so i think the kids will be quite lucky inheriting some of their features. It's nice to think there will be kids with your eyes, your expression out there and maybe even kids having similarities in psyco. I can't deny there is also this reason, but i almost think sperm donation is something genuine..
If i will ever donate also to a sperm bank i am sure i will be open to contact: children deserves to know their origins.
As i said before i cannot immagine a better way to help people: help people to conceive new lives, babies who will be our future.
Hope this message will help to understand better the motivations of donor.
bye from italy
Date submitted: November 11, 2011
I am a spermdonor
I am a spermdonor
And by being that, I am graced to have the chance of having biological descendants, a succession, that otherwise would not be a self-understood part of this human experience called life.
I write this in the knowledge, that the likely readers of my lines are affected cohorts of this industry. I am aware of the possibility, that you read this eagerly, as a distant message from your own donor, that you would have wished to read... For when does a spermdonor have a chance to talk, after all??... The question of the many of you might be: why? Why have I made this decision of donating my sperm, what were my motives, how do I feel and think of my progeny produced this way? What is the human face, the intention behind the data sheet?
I try to formulate my story form my point of view. Because not only you have a need to talk, to share. I have this need, too. Obviously, I am not presenting anyone else, but myself, I cannot speak for any other donors. I guess, we all have our own individual stories, but this one is mine.
I am a 30 year old single guy, born and living in central Europe, I am 6'1" tall, blonde, blue eyed, considered handsome, some of extra pounds make me a nice cub, here I go: I am a gay man. And being gay, having accepted myself as such in the past 3 years, I have absolutly not come to accept being possibly robbed of the biggest gift of life, by design: a family, in particularly made up with my own produced children.
It is not the USA here, or other parts of this world of a more open society. I am not saying, that it cannot happen, or wouldn't happen, that I will eventually have this dream also come true, but one thing I know for certain: I wanted to make sure, that I wouldn't leave this earthly life not having children of my biological make-up. This was basically the "green lamp" amongst a miriade of red lamps, that I faced. There are two wishes here, as you see: to have successors, these will be my soon to be- conceived children, and to have my own family, with a spouse, and to co-create my own children, with the help of a surrogate, and raise them, this is yet a very uncertain dream of the future.
One dream I could make come true till this point: since end of 2010 for a half a year I have donated my sperm several times at a local fertility institute. The samples are being made available during these months ahead, so these progeny are being conceived at this very time and age.
In my country there is legally only anonymous donorship, no chance of open donating via institutes. I have ambivalent feelings about this. One side of me is releaved, that this is the status quo, every member of the process is aware of it, except "of course" the to be born child.... I know that, I hear that. On the other hand, never having a chance to see these children of my own... is a hard pill to swallow. I have come a long distance to digest this already, but I guess it has yet it's layers as life will go on. Especially, if I eventually will have a family of my own.
As you see, this is the first time, I used the word children. I have a hard time figuring out how to relate to them in my mind, in my soul. There are multi-layers of conception here, of course, and I don't even want to diminish the load of it. Would be my self-raised children more my "real" children? In some terms of course they will be. But it would be an insult, and ignorance not to acknowledge my otherwise conceived children, in their very existance, having come to existance partly due to my decision to pay that insitute a visit... Ignorance never has, and never had good fruits.
The solemn knowledge for me, that there are going to be people on the planet, even whom I won't ever meet, who are my successors, in their eyes you find my eyes, in their smiles, in their very body and even in their psyche I am there as half of their heritage, this makes me feel, that I live in them forward, my very core of being has been passed on, something I also inherited from old ages. I know, there is something deeply narcisstic about this... But this is how I feel. That I have been a vessel of a life giver, it is something deep from my male-hood, I guess, too. mere instinct, made conscious? Maybe.
I have already written more then thirty pages in my diary dedicated to this process, self-reflecting on all the thoughts and emotions that needed to be digested (how gay it that, ha? :)) It was vital to do this...
Is it a solemn selfish and irresponsible act of mine, that I freely gave up A, my chance of knowing, and raising these children of my own biological make-up, B, their very right to know their biological father, with all the aspects and consequences around this?... Maybe it is. Am I the one to judge? Are you the one to judge?
I genuinely wish for my conceived children the best possible future. Although it is a future, I wouldn't be present in, and have hardly any power to intervene, to shape... The very constitution of artificial insemination might be a strong proof, that their going-te-be parent, parents, really and truely wanted them to be! I think this is a good place to start. Prayer seems to be an ever powerful tool here, all the power I am left with... I pray to my heavenly Father, that He would grace all my insufficiencies, and meet them, and my kids without the knowledge nor the fathering of their biological father, and fill theirs, right where they are. I wish for you, dear reader, to be filled with grace, too.
What is my ultimate message? I really don't know. I guess, we all are put, or have put ourselves into life situations of insecurities, uncertainty, and places of needs to be met. It is special in a way, for this group of ours, but also too common in an other way... All of us face these trials, literally everyone can relate to this. I personally find strength in my faith in God, and are more in need of it than ever. It is good to abandon myself into His good will for my life. He meets my insecurities, insufficiency and needs.
What would I say to my conceived children, if they somehow would find me in 10-15-20 years? - Thank you. I love you. I want you to know, that you are loved! I am so sorry, if I failed you. It was my conscious decision to donate sperm, but it was never my intention to harm you, by it's consequences. Please forgive me! I love you! Though I cannot see you with my physical eyes, I can see you in my minds eye, and in my heart, and seeing you, I am so proud of you! I. am. very. proud. of. you. Have a wonderful life darling!
...
This sharing works also as a healing process for me... May it be for you, too!
Love,
Anonymous spermdonor
22.09.2011.
Date submitted: September 22, 2011
Happy Egg Donor
I donated eggs right before starting professional school years ago. I'm happy that I was able to help a couple have the children they wanted so very much. I'm curious about the children who were born through this process, but wouldn't try to intrude into their lives. The parents who have children using donor sperm/eggs don't want their maternal/paternal claim to the resulting children undermined by the donor. Egg/sperm donation, when done right, is very much a positive thing. It isn't right that infertile men and women should be prevented from having children just because of a biological issue that they have no control over.
If the children wanted to track me down one day after they'd grown up I would give them the level of involvement that they and their families were comfortable with. I feel like I should do right by them/their families because they were born of my eggs and because of the arrangement that was made with the parents.
Date submitted: September 03, 2011
Proud donor wanting to offer info to children
I was given up for adoption at birth because my mother was 16 and my father had been killed in Vietnam. But I have since met my birth mother and learnt my adoption was not due to a of lack of love or desire to be a parent but it was a lack of age, money and family suport, BUT she had an abundance of love for her child that she wanted me to have more than she thought she could give....I am so proud of her for being strong enough to protect me whilst hurting herself.
I grew up in an open, loving adopted family and was given everything I needed and wanted. I was told early on that I was adopted and as a child I spent years fantasizing about having rich, famous parents or rock star siblings.....then as I got older I started being more curious about whose smile, humour, good/bad looks I inherited and what my biological parents were like. Because my biological father (an only child) and his parents had died I then started to researching his family history and geneology to learn who they were.
Somewhere along the way I felt the need to have my own children. I had a very happy life, a great experience with finding my birth mother and her family and then finally knowing who I was...only problem was that I was 36 and not married or in a relationship.
Sure my story is all sweet and rosey but why shouldnt another child be given the opportunity to grow up in 'non conventional' family like I did and be allowed the possibility of all the love and joy I received.
So I became a sperm donor. BUT I wanted my child/children to know as much about me as I could so I practically submitted a full dosier of my history, personality, looks, family history, pictures and a letter to be given to the child/children introducing myself, telling them why I was doing this and offering the mother/parents that I was prepaired to be as involved as much as they would let me in the childs life, from birth onwards and without question or claim. I am not sure if my 'dosier' was ever passed onto any parents/children as its only been a few years....but I am one donor that would welcome the opportunity to help any child born born through my donation to gain that ultimate prize, the knowledge of who they are and where their from. Only adopted/donor children will truely understand the wealth and value of knowing who you are and where you come from......
Concern for Potential Parents-to-be
When I was younger, I never thought I would be an egg donor, let alone surrogate. I went through the egg donor process 4 different times to help two families have the babies of their dreams. After losing my own child, I became a surrogate, and after another loss, finally am waiting to give birth to my first surrobaby.
I cannot explain what compelled me to do this, but here I am. I am not necessarily writing about my own story but about a concern I have.
I KNOW of a woman (I can give the name/email if I am allowed to) who wants to be an egg donor for ALL the wrong reasons. She is not a good person, she has told stories of issues she's had and I am very concerned for potential IP's. Unfortunately, I don't know where to go in order to ensure that someone doesn't inadvertently get screwed by this lady. She acts like she's a nice person, but is very much the opposite. She will do anything for a buck, and that includes to LIE. She is GETTING A DIVORCE but is trying to donate her eggs and get money so she can move. She's not being entirely honest about her history and potential problems that can arise.
I don't know how to potentially stop her. She wants to be an independent egg donor (she would not get approved by an agency). Somehow, I feel strongly that this will end badly for all who get involved with her.
Date submitted: March 21, 2011
So wonderful!
Even in high school, I knew I always wanted to have children and felt sympathy for the couples who tried to conceive but couldn't. Finally when I finished college, I felt it was time to give something that I knew would be the best gift I could ever give someone, and that was the gift of life. My decision was based primarily on the gift I gave and not on the financial compensation. Sounds altruistic, but I had thought about this decision for years.
As a redhead with a good education, I was snatched up right away by an anonymous couple at an IVF clinic. I went through the treatments and became overstimulated with 24 eggs! But with all those eggs, the couple would have the chance to have plenty of kids! I got a call the following year, saying that I "did a good job!" so I decided to do it again. And then yet again, the following year. Three full cycles for me for three consecutive years.
Donating my eggs was one of the most satisfying things I have done in my life. Knowing that I gave life to someone who otherwise was unable, brings me great happiness. The only tangible memory from these three donations is the beautiful silver heart pin the second recipient gave me. Filled in on one side but open on the other, the center has a small gemstone representing the egg. I cherish this gift and wear it close to my heart. I wish she knew how much that gift means to me.
The children who have my genes, are not my children. They are my genes. Their mother is their mother, as is their father (a sentiment that my husband doesn't share.) I now have two children of my own and know first hand now, unlike when I was in school or as a donor, what is truly feels like to be a mother. Life would be completely empty and void of meaning without children.
I am proud of my choices and would be interested in meeting these children at some point, given that they and their parents would like to meet me.
Date submitted: March 15, 2011
It all started out with lies-sperm donor story
I was in my mid 30s realizing that i might never have children of my own. It all started with me just browsing the search engines and came across some sperm donor forums ads. I remember reading one of the ads- I thought this guy is full of it and lying about everything. Then I realized a majority of the donors in some of these online forums where lying about their education, height, how many they fathered, type of employment etc. There were so many donors who just wanted to have sex. Maybe cause they had problems getting sex from females in their normal life. Many of the recipients were so desperate in finding a donor they sometimes had sex with these donors. Even if these guys were infertile and never fathered any children. They usually make up a number of children they father and the females would often believe it. I used to sleep around with females from the bars and had a very wreckless lifestyle. I started out lying just like some of these guys. Guess the only thing I was honest about was the way I look and that I'm STD free. Im more honest to the females nowadays. As for why I'm a sperm donor- basically I couldn't afford to have children of my own. I work a low paying job like so many people. I did enjoy being told that a recipient is pregnant and how happy she is.
Date submitted: March 10, 2011
Relief from the Real Problems: Followed by Regret
When I was in high school I had a friend who had a meth problem. She carried bags of gummy candy everywhere she went and drank a lot of Diet Coke. She read fashion magazines and got brilliant grades. I would get sms messages from her sent at 4 in the morning on a regular basis. She got scarily skinny in a short amount of time. People started to talk. I started to worry about her. I could smell the meth on her. I told her she needed to stop. I threatened I would stop being her friend.
One day she broke down to me and told me that the meth was her relief for her real problem- bulimia. When she smoked it, she felt like she didn't have to purge because she knew the drugs were burning off the calories. I had no idea she was bulimic. The only evil I saw was the meth- but it was just her resolution to a problem- feeling not good enough.
It was very important to my mom that I go to university and I didn't want to disappoint her. But she didn't have any money and my dad was not in the picture. In the rural area I grew up in there were not many opportunities. So I paid my own way through university- only I used student loans and hoped to pay them later.
I worked retail and waited tables and I still couldn't keep up with my peers. Rent, clothing, entertainment, travel expenses, cell phone, car costs and student loans just kept adding up. I went on craigslist and started looking for extra work. Most of the jobs didn't suit me at all. I either had no interest in them or no ability to pull them off. Because I was unskilled, my pool of job choices was very small.
There were several men offering money for "gentlemen's arrangements"- cash for a young pretty female to spend time with them. It was a euphemism for prostitution.
When I "donated" my eggs- I did it because I needed the money. Also, it was a relief for me. To support myself I had been sleeping with a married man with 5 kids for several months on a weekly basis in exchange for this "arrangement". Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I still needed the money though- that's when I sold my eggs. On the application they ask, "Have you ever exchanged money for sex or drugs?" I lied and said "No".
I had a decision. I could sell my reproductive parts either to old men, or old women. The latter was supposed to be a relief to the former. I have a young child out there now that I can't see or know because of my selfishness and my inability to feel "good enough" without a degree, without the clothes, without the car...
I'm sorry to the child and I'm sorry to the wife of the man I slept with. I truly am sorry.
Date submitted: February 26, 2011
Joys of being a Surrogate
I wanted to stay home with my two young boys, but I needed to find a way to pay the bills. I saw a story on Global National about a surrogate, she was a homemaker and wanted to give a couple the gift of a child. I have been thinking about surrogacy for some time, but didn't know much about it. I started to research on line about the "laws" surrounding becoming a surrogate, and tried to find a couple looking for a surrogate online.
Everything fell into place the head of two fertility consultants contacted me via e-mail. One really stood out in my mind, she is not only the head of the company but she also, like me and other's was a surrogate, and knew what I was looking for. We talked on the phone a couple of times, and in a matter of a week she had found me a IP(Intended parents) couple to work with.
We had an appointment at a clinic downtown, and I was so nervous that they wouldn't like me. Only one of the IP's could meet me that day, but the fertility consultant also met with me to make things easier. He (IP) walked in and I hugged him right off the bat, you can tell he was like "o.k., I don't even know you" lol. But he was so nice and he smiled a lot like me. He was funny and joked around like I like to do. He asked about my boys, and we had a good first meeting.
We had appointment after appointment. The transfer date came and I was so scared, it was a couple of days before Christmas, and all I could think about was how sad and upset I would be if things didn't work out. The two week wait better known as the 2ww. Was long and scary, we didn't take a HPT (home pregnancy test) so the IP's didn't get a false positive or negative. I prayed everyday for this, and I didn't want to start the Christmas holidays off with bad news.
2ww was finally over and the other IP and I got the great news that they were pregnant. We hugged like a million times, I had to hold back my tears. I was so happy for them both.
We are now 13 almost 14 weeks pregnant with twins, and I pray to GOD everyday, I'm so thankful to have met such great IP's, and that they are blessed with twins.
I think if you are a young person, that is done having kids of your own, and you want to help someone out, this is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give. All b.s. aside, I wish and hope that I would have met the IP's in school, or at a party. They are the most loving people I know, they're so in love. Our relationships are so alike it's not funny.
I hope nothing but well wishes to them both, and their beautiful twins. I know after the twins are born the IP's will be sooooooo busy. I know that we may never talk again, and I have come to terms with that. It's hard in some ways cause I'm a very emotional person, and I care for the IP's, but I knew when I started this, that there was a chance that we may never talk again. I'm just thankful that I got to meet such wonderful people like the IP's no matter how short of a time. They will always be close to my heart.
Surrogate
Date submitted: February 26, 2011
Joyful Egg Donor
I donated my eggs while in graduate school, initially in response to a radio advertisement. I liked the idea of helping a couple build their family, since this is something my husband and I wanted but had not yet started, and the money would help support us.
The agency stressed the importance of the process being anonymous, though at this time I can't remember the reasons. I made it through the screenings and fairly soon after a couple chose my profile. I believe it was during the screening process that I indicated that I would like to give the couple my genealogical history, since I have done tremendous research on the topic, and the couple accepted that offer. As we progressed through the process, I prepared a CD with pdf files of my ancestry, starting with my great-grandparents in order to keep it fairly anonymous. It was always my thought, though, that with all the genealogical information on the web, that the child could use that information to at least greatly narrow down the list of possible donors.
I had given the couple an email address and received word when their daughter was born, along with a card through the donor agency. And since they were able to collect about a dozen eggs, I was told that they could have additional children as well. I have not heard anything since that initial announcement but hope all is well and that they have a nice family of their own.
I have since had two children and have completed my family. I think about my other biological children occassionally with happy thoughts of how I was able to contribute to their life. If I were contacted, I would be happy to meet with the family and would open my life to them if they wanted or needed.
Date submitted: February 25, 2011
Contacted Donor
About 20 years ago my wife and I were trying to start a family and after several months of unsuccessful attempts I had my sperm checked at a hospital which did IVF treatment. The hospital advised that I was okay and asked if I would become a sperm donor. I agreed to the request as it would help people have a family and I had some experience with the emotions that come into play when the desire to have a family is unfulfilled.
Fastforward 19.5 years to Sept 2010, a letter arrived informing me that I had a child conceived from sperm I had donated, and she wished to meet her biological parent and would I agree to the request. My immediate response was yes and after discussing the matter with my wife, we met with a counsellor at the IVF clinic and then arranged to meet the child.
Meeting the child (Sophia) was a very positive experience for us and for her. We organised the meeting through her mother as Sophia was only 15 at the time. We arranged a second meeting with Sophia and her mother at our house to enable our children a boy aged 20 and a girl aged 17 to meet Sophia and her mother. This meeting also went well and we have had subsequent meetings with Sophia and her mother which have been positive and enjoyable.
To illustrate how well the contact has been recieved, my daughter has requested that I ask the IVF clinic to write to the families of the other children (17) conceived by my donations to inform them that I am okay with being contacted if that is what the children wish to do.
My attitude to meeting with the children is one of intellectual curiousity. I am not their parent I am some one who provided seed material to their parents to enable them to grow their family and raise their children.
My experience and message to donors is that a child who wishes to make contact just wants to put a face and some facts to their history and get on with their life.
Date submitted: February 20, 2011
Finding the right balance
I'm a donor, both private and clinic. Where I come from, the donor is often the legal parent, so anonymity is advised. This is not ideal!
I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with sperm donation, but I think that honesty is the best policy for helping donor children cope with their origins. It seems wise for mums to be open from the start, to help avoid any feelings of deception when children discover their origins.
Personally, I'd argue for the maximum availability of donors for later contact, should this be needed. Also, I accept the fact that some donors feel they can't donate without being fully uncontactable, as opposed to just anonymous, so personal choice in the matter should be available in order to ensure that the supply of donors is not adversely affected.
Frankly, I believe the shortage of donor sperm would be a lot less of a problem if there was better protection for donors from vexations and mercenary litigation. I feel the best way is for donors to be open and known to the families. This can only come about if with proper legal protection for donors from child maintenance claims, and also with legal protection for their privacy.
If we could move to this system, as I understand is the case in certain parts of Europe, I believe that the whole system would work better for everyone. With better protection and the option of some contact, more men would be persuaded to assist - and for better reasons than a few dollars from a sperm bank.
Being a donor is also very hard emotionally, and I also think that these changes would allow donors to cope much better with the doubts, confusion and emotional fallout of having a number of children that are not part of their family.
Donor conception isn't going away, so let's be grown up about it. An open system of contact, with full privacy and financial protection for all recipients, would be the best system.
Date submitted: February 09, 2011
Lies and Betrayal
I'm a father, a "known" sperm donor. I was asked by a lesbian couple, people I considered dear and trustworthy friends, to help them conceive two children. After discussing it at length with my wife I agreed to help them. In short, our agreement was that I would consent to adoption by the non-birth mother. In return, I would have as much involvement in the children's lives as I desired.
I fell in love with my daughter the moment I saw her (in truth I loved her long before she was born). That's when the 1st stirrings of trouble began.
Turns out my "friends" didn't like my attachment to my child, and started making excuses for why I couldn't see her almost immediately. The stress of the situation gradually escalated and started negatively affecting my marriage as well.
Despite clues to the contrary, I continued over the course of the next 2.5 years to help my "friends" conceive a 2nd child (fortunately that never happened). During this time I became more and more attached to my daughter,
and she to me. Finally, my "friends" gave up the illusion of civility and severed our relationship, along with my relationship with my daughter. My marriage also ended around this time.
Fast forward to the present. I haven't seen my child in several years. Any
attempt I make to contact her is met with verbal abuse and legal threats from my "friends." My daughter has no idea she has a father, let alone who I am. Ignoring persistent legal threats, I've made myself easily found on the internet. When and if my daughter tries to find me, it will take her 15 seconds.
It has taken me several years to begin to accept the fact that I was used, lied to and betrayed. I was a means to their end, nothing more. The twist in the ongoing story is that I'm not going anywhere. I'm easily found, and my arms are wide open to my daughter. If she wants a relationship with me she will have it. I pray that she does.
My advice to anyone considering sperm donation is this:
1. Don't.
2. If you insist on doing it, don't take it lightly. Get an attorney and get everything clearly in writing. If you ever want to see your child, get those details in the contract. Don't leave anything to chance. If you think it's not necessary between "friends" you're wrong. People lie sometimes.
Maybe not all such arrangements turn out so horribly as this. But in several
arrangements I'm aware of, there is some amount of lying going on to family,
friends and child. Your mileage may vary.
Regardless of what anyone says, you are the parent of that child forever. Your decision has life-long consequences, and no amount of rationalizing will make that go away.
If you are a donor-conceived child I'm sure that your birth father and/or
mother are eager to see you. You have a right to know them and you have a
right to know you're loved.
This entire "friendship," this entire arrangement was doomed from the beginning because it was based on lies. I wouldn't change the fact of my daughter's existence for anything, but the actions of my "friends" have caused a great deal of harm. In my case I made a promise, and I followed through on that promise. Some people would call that stupid and I can't totally disagree. But I still have my integrity. I acted in good faith.
To my daughter: I want you to know that I love you and that I long to see you.
You are on my mind 24/7. You are in my life every day and you are part of me. Nothing will ever change that.
I love you.
Your father.
Date submitted: January 26, 2011
An Unselfish Act Of Love
When I was a senior at Harvard working on my perfect 4.0 GPA I responded to an ad seeking egg donors. Since I was on scholarship and Harvard is extremely expensive it seemed like the answer to my prayer. I made an appointment and submitted myself to the battery of psychological and physical test to see if I could qualify. Lo and behold I fit the specific criteria they were seeking. While most egg donors are blond hair, blue eye I am the product of bi-racial ethnicity and it so happened that is what the client was seeking.
No need to go into details as most everyone involved in donation knows how the process works. Since I am blessed with a high IQ and I am also multilingual I was able to command top dollar at the time, $8,765. I always wondered how they came up with that amount. In any case all went as according to plan and soon after here comes baby. The money was a blessing and I was able to support myself for awhile. When I graduated, the fabulous career I envisioned did not materialize as fast as I had hoped. Call it luck or serendipity but I received a letter from the agency wanting to know if I would consider donating to the same couple who now wanted a sibling for their first baby. Since the real world now beckoned with bills, car notes and rent I eagerly agreed but I negotiated a larger price this time. I asked for $23,000 and the family who by now was extremely wealthy quickly paid it.
The money allowed me to move back to my hometown in the South and get on with my life. I can honestly say I do not feel I have any "children" out there. Nor do I lose any sleep or suffer angst filled nights lamenting on what might have been. I was simply a conduit that allowed a loving couple to achieve their goal of having a family. I have never wanted to know the girls or by now young ladies as they would seem like a strangers. Their lives belong to their real family and if somehow I get a card from the agency asking for anything more than medical information I would have to respectfully decline.
If I was still able to donate I would absolutely do it again. The agency showed me pictures of the parents as they met their children for the first time. How anyone can be critical of that is beyond reason.
Date submitted: October 18, 2010
Oops, I sold my kid away...
When I was 20 I was in college and looking for a job that would be easy-- I had a lot of obligations, not a lot of time, and not a lot of life experience. I wanted everything and I wanted it now, but restaurant and retail jobs didn't pay the kind of income to buy me everything I thought I needed.
A funny thing happens when a girl becomes a woman-- the world starts treating her as an adult; middle-aged men begin to ask for dates, people stop forgiving you for your stupidity and start expecting you to behave responsibly, and suddenly you're allowed to do whatever you want. "Whatever you want" sounds like a lot of fun. Well... "whatever you want" sometimes isn't "what you need" and mistakes become profound, even monumental.
I popped open my laptop and began my search for the perfect easy job on craigslist. For my lack of degree and vocational skills the pickin's were slim, but for a pretty young girl willing to compromise her integrity there were plenty of ads promising fast cash. I could be a candy-stripe girl, a discount masseuse, a foot-fetish model, a dog walker, babysitter, marketing-research participant, pharmaceuticals test subject, nude model (for artistic purposes of course) or my favorite... a "gentleman's" mistress.
"Thanks, but no thanks," I said, until I came across that seductive "$10,000 & up!" ad. "Give the Gift of Life!" they said. No kidding, with THAT kind of money I could actually have a life...
I signed up and began what would be one of the most dehumanizing experiences of my life. They wanted pictures of me, lots of pictures, and medical information, and personal information. They only wanted baby pictures. They weren't interested in the adult their child might become, they wanted the baby version of me. It was obvious there were right answers and wrong answers in the questionnaire. The more generic you could answer a question, the better. Intended parents want to project themselves upon your DNA. Any kind of real personality is a turn-off. Bad girls need not apply. And then came the hormones... ouch.
Somehow I made the cut, and there is a kid out there somewhere I have no ability to contact. It didn't hit me until I called them and asked if there was a birth. "Yes" is all they told me. Sometimes strangers and acquaintances ask me if I have kids. I want to tell them "yes". But "yes" is all I'd be able to say. I wouldn't be able to answer if it were a boy or a girl, or how old, or what's their name, or when their birthday is--just a vague and bewildering "yes".
I don't even remember what I spent the money on. Debt, dresses and nice dinners probably. I'd give you $10,000 this very second for the chance to meet my kid. Biggest oops of my life.
Date submitted: October 07, 2010
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