Who am I?

I was born in Texas. I was my birthmother’s 8th child. She gave away 4 and kept 4. I was part of the 4 that were given up. I was adopted right from birth. My mom has a brain tumor at the age of 16 and they had to remove her pituitary gland. She is blind in her right eye and has no peripheral vision. After her surgery, the doctors told her that she could not have kids. That’s all my mom wanted was kids. She told me that she told God that she’d dedicate her life to children. My mom and dad had adopted a little boy and after 3 months, his birthmother came back and took him away from them. My mom was absolutely crushed. They then applied to another adoption agency and soon got the call about me being born. My mom flew out to Texas to get me. My dad was in college at that time and had a lot of tests he couldn’t miss but came the next day. My parents were always open and honest when I asked questions when I was little.. They didn’t hide anything at all, which is great. My mom always told me “You didn’t grow in my belly, you grew in my heart.” I kind of understood that when I was little but when I was 10 I really understood it. Everytime I think about her saying that, I just cry. I don’t know why I do. When I was 13 or 14 I started asking more questions and my dad did some research and told me everything he could. I’ve been in therapy since I was 14 or 15. When we were in a family session, they had told me that my birthmother died 4 years ago. Right then and there my life stood still. I eventually wanted to contact her and just ask her why… Why did you do this? Why me? Why not a different 4? And now I really can’t find out answers. About a month ago I was sitting in with a new psychologist and we brought up the whole adoption thing and the woman asked if my birth parents were alive. My dad proceeded to say “all we know is that she was murdered….” And then I was like wait what??? And he didn’t realize what he had said and then once again I had a million questions… Who would do that? Why did they do that? I’ve just decided to leave it alone because I have the best family anyone can ask for and I’m so grateful because if I hadn’t gotten adopted, my life right now could’ve been absolute hell. Well thanks for letting me share my story with you