Response to “Do I wait or do I tell?”

I am a PhD Candidate in Clinical Psychology. I am also the mother of a daughter whose father was absent for most of her life. Understanding how she felt at his absence, I personally sought to find him for her, and to her delight, found she had 2 other sisters in addition to the seven siblings I gave her. I can tell you one thing: As a mother, I felt threatened but also knew her hurt. I never wanted her to hurt. That motivated me to help her find the man.

Now, I hear your feelings as being that of betrayal. It sounds like you are most distressed at the deceit and secrecy that envelops half your world. I totally get this probably because my mother was adopted. I feel half my DNA is missing in action because of the secrecy used in closed adoptions, only for me, my mother never deceived me. She told me whatever she knew. She knew the hurt you feel.

It concerns me that you feel you must perpetuate this deceit. We simply cannot continue with truth if we begin with a lie. You are in my favorite developmental stage. The teen years are the time of reckoning for most parents. It is a time when we learn what WE really are, because teens have an amazing ability to use laser like clarity with truth. You are old enough to understand the truth, yet young enough to still know why you should be honest. You are your mother’s opportunity for growth. As scary as it is to discuss it with her, telling her may be a new opportunity for you both to grow closer. It sounds like you hurt most because you feel she withheld this information from you. You can provide her with a chance to correct this by confronting her with this fact. Let her hear what you say. Even if she gets emotional, mentally prepare yourself for this and know she will eventually consider how you feel. She loves you. Sometimes, the greatest pain parents experience is to face their own flaws and recognize they hurt their own children through their actions. The more she reacts, the more likely she is disappointed in herself. Give her some time and space to consider this. It is a tough place to visit, when parents discover they made a bad call.

I can tell you I have been there (many times) but because I loved my children, I let the hurt help us grow closer. Growth comes from the struggle. No struggle means no growth.

I can see your mother did an excellent job with your upbringing, simply because you have this clarity of thought but you also consider her feelings. I can see you love her very much. The wedge is temporary. After you scrape her off the ceiling, she will calm down and think about the deception. Hear her out. She may have had a very good reason for not telling you. She may have wanted to protect you while maintaining an awareness of your siblings. I would suspect she might have planned to give this information to you once you were an adult. You can’t know until you confront her. And as much as we may want to avoid a conflict, that very situation is the thing that clears the air and improves our relationships.

My advice to you is to seek the help of a professional counselor. However, you know your mom better than anyone, so you will know if she can handle the conversation. I have had to face this conflict, and afterwards, I became the critical component to helping my daughter find and meet her biological father. Once she did, she discovered for herself why I did not continue a relationship with him. She also found a loving family of half-siblings that absolutely adore her, and now has new aunts and grandparents for her sons. Love grows exponentially, even in these situations. I encourage you to find and meet your biological half siblings because this is your right, and God, not men, gave you this right.

Love cannot thrive in lies. It can only thrive in truth. Live truth.

Best wishes.