Pregnant with a donor baby and feeling scared

I am 28 weeks pregnant with a donor baby. It’s been a long journey to get here and I can’t quite believe that this pregnancy may actually come to fruition. However, I do have a few concerns. I am worried that I won’t be able to bond with my baby girl. I am worried that my family will not treat her like one of their own. I am worried that she will look nothing like either myself or my husband but will have inherited only her genetic mother’s looks. I am worried about the day I will tell my little girl that she came from another woman but grew in my tummy. I am worried that my little girl will grow up wondering who this other woman is and want to meet her one day. I also feel really sad that my history won’t be her history. Both of my parents are dead and if they were still alive I would refer to them as Grandma and Grandad. But if one day she sees photos of them I will refer to them as my mum and dad. I have so many things belonging to them, and things that I grew up with that they gave to me that I would want to pass on but – this sounds awful – I feel I would rather give these things to my Nephews and Niece at the moment because they of the born of my blood.

Do’t get me wrong. I am very grateful for the opportunity to become a mother. The alternative was either adoption of a child free life. This little girl in my tummy has provided us with the chance to be parents and at the moment we are enjoying looking at pushchairs, cots and planning what her nursery will look like – and we love it! At least she has a genetic link to my husband which I am not jealous of but really grateful for. I do feel scared but at the same time secure in the knowledge that I will finally be a mother. I feel scared of myself more than anything. I think if there are any complications with bonding / relationships after she is born that it will be me who is the problem due to all my insecurities. But it’s a journey I am happy to make.

I do feel a huge sense of loss at not been able to have my own flesh and blood. I have had two miscarriages in the past with my own eggs and I have kept the scan photos. I look at them occasionally and cry because I wonder who they would have been and what they would have looked like. But then I remind myself that I am not the only woman in this position and think about how lucky I am to be pregnant with a little girl.

I just hope that I don’t fail her.