Please stop saying Mother/Father

I’ve read several of the stories on here and I’m a bit disturbed about something- it’s something that I see on other sites, too: the misuse of the word ‘father’ and ‘mother’. Your father is not the man that donated sperm. Your mother is not the woman that donated her eggs. The definitions of these roles have nothing to do with genetics. Donors are just that: people that gave something to help create you. But that’s when their ties to you stop. The people that were there when you were born, raised- that’s your mother/father/family. Genetics really don’t matter in the long run- they have nothing to do with being a father or mother. These donors simply provided the initial building blocks. They are not a mother/father.
It’s these kinds of things that keep me from wanting to tell my child that we needed an egg donor to have her. To me, every potential argument to tell her is insignificant in her life (and, thankfully- now ours). As her parent, it’s my job to raise her in the best manner possible- to be kind, loving, fair, and make good choices; to be whatever she wants to be and go wherever she wants to go. In the scheme of things, she is not some small amount of genetic material that was donated way back when she wasn’t even herself. In other words, she is not the egg we received- that doesn’t define who she is or will be. She’s my daughter- she only became that because my body provided her life and my breast provided her nutrition and my husband and I provide her with love and a future. The egg alone (or even fertilized), would never have yielded my daughter without me (just as a sperm alone would never produce a baby).
I also don’t buy any genetic arguments in terms of health. Nowadays, there are few things that really matter if a parent had this/that- and I learned a lot of this during my fertility treatments and discussions with the maternal-fetal doctor we worked with during my pregnancy. You can argue something like this or that cancer may run in a family and sometimes a person might be screened early because of this kind of factor. However, in so many cases, genetic tracing of health issues is faulty and unreliable and just calculates risk (just because breast cancer runs in your family, it doesn’t mean you’re going to get it- inherited cancers are very uncommon). For example, in my family, there’s a sporadic bout of cancer now and then, but it’s been isolated and none of us have run out to be tested (it just isn’t necessary or helpful). And if something does happen, does treatment differ at all whether you know someone in your history has it? No.
Keep in mind that genetics are a gamble no matter what. You don’t know what’s going to come out. I’ve seen families with dark hair have a blond child- they speculate someone’s great, great, great-whatever must have been blond. I’ve seen people in my own family that resemble no one. Beyond my great grandparents, I know nothing about my family except where a cousin speculated about the country of origin of only one of them. It means absolutely nothing. It does not define you.
I think people- in their search to identify themselves- tend to put too much emphasis on a sperm or an egg. I understand you probably have all kinds of feelings- curiosity, confusion, sadness, maybe some anger. These feelings are the majority of what I hear from a child who was the product of donated genetic material. Only one of those feelings could be construed as positive. This just adds to why I see no point in telling my child. She knows herself as my child, as her father’s child, as herself. Why would I want to take that away from her and chance that, like some people, she’ll become obsessed over some very insignificant part of her history or future? And what good does it really do her to know something like this? What is really the point to all of this? Our donor was completely anonymous- my daughter will never be able to get any information. Even the information we had (which is nothing aside from hair/eye color – which is the same as mine- and her screening results, which are things like ‘negative for hepatitis B’, etc.) is not going to do anything for her. We met with a psychologist prior to doing a donor round and an argument she threw up was that ‘someday, she may feel out of place in the family and if you tell her half her genes came from somewhere else, studies show a child will feel relief’. I seriously beg to differ. I just read a handful of stories on here that show the complete opposite to be true. I myself went through something like this where I felt I didn’t belong (it was called ‘puberty’ in my case) and knowing I genetically came from my parents did not help a thing.
As I watch my child grow, I will always consider telling her. But I have yet to hear a good argument that’s enough reason for me to mention something so insignificant. Some could argue ‘if it’s so insignificant, then why not tell her?’ The reason I worry she’ll make this into something it’s not, and some of the stories here justify this. I just don’t want her to get distracted or feel funny about something that is really unimportant to her life.
Something else that bothers me is the lack of understanding many donor children who are upset have about infertility. Now, I can’t expect that when you haven’t been there (and I hope it never happens to you). The ability to use donated sperm or eggs is a gift. You were created in a whirlwind of love, desire, and hope- there was nothing evil or bad. Your parents went through hell and high water to have you because you were wanted- more than you’ll probably ever know. You weren’t created in an alcohol-blurred one night stand or act of rape, so I’m not sure why more children aren’t considering this and simply focus on the genetic material donor.
Also, please consider that the anonymous donor probably wants to stay that way. You may feel you have a right to get more information, but you’re not the only one affected in this situation. It’s tempting to be selfish and focus on ‘getting answers’ (though I don’t know how much you really are going to get). Donors didn’t bear you or raise you- they just gave up a (very) small piece of their body. You can be thankful for them as we, your parents are, but consider respecting that they may not want to be known (and the damage you could cause in your quest). I’m very curious where kids who look up their donors think this will end. You’re going to have this feeling of satisfaction in the end? You and your donor are going to have some relationship you’re not getting from your parent? I am sorry, but probably not.
By the way, I actually find it a little offensive when people refer to a donor as a ‘father’ or ‘mother’- it reduces the real work/role of a parent to just genetic material. With abandoned children or adopted children- it’s always appropriate (and important) to separate ‘parent’ from ‘biological parent’ in those situations, so why not in these? I’ve heard some statements that a father, who abandoned them, is simply a ‘sperm donor’, recognizing that sperm does not make a father. So, why is the difference between parent and donor so murky with IVF/ART?