I already regret this.

Dear first born,
You are the biggest mistake I have ever made. I shouldn’t have done it and every day I think about you. How im not going to see you the day you’re born. How you’re going to learn to talk without me. How you’ll never miss me when you get dropped off at daycare. How you won’t cling to my leg as you don’t want to stay at school. I’m not going to get any of that. Why? Because I donated my sperm and as your mothers want it, I will not be your father but a “donor.” It’s scary how the use of that word is advised to people to try to make us feel like illigitate parents. Like we don’t have a place in this. Like we don’t belong in the equation. I’m not your father anymore. No matter how bad I want to love you, hold you, kiss you, support you, your mother and your “mother” don’t want me to do that. They don’t want me complicating their lives. They don’t want me to intrude. They want to be the parents. And “love is all that makes a family” is what they’ll chant as one of your mothers can be called a hypocrite since she obviously went to great lengths to have you. I didn’t sell you, I gave you away. Didn’t even accept the gas money to get to your moms house. I did this because I wanted a chance to get to know you. But all your moms want to do is decide the next 18 years of your life without allowing you to have a say. I’ve been reading these stories on this site since I donated and I hate that you’ll possibly one day be wondering who I am. That one day you’ll realize that you missed out on 18 years worth of building a relationship with me. One day you’ll notice that while your moms loved you very much I could have also loved you very much and I’m already angry, resentful, spiteful of your mothers who are going to rip you from my life because they want to be selfish and validate their own little family. I am your dad. I am your father. I brought you into this world. Without me you wouldn’t be here. Never will I ever forget that. But I’m going to have to step back and let your mother and your “mother” take care of you because I KNOW that I’ll be a great dad… I KNOW that they won’t let me see you. I KNOW that a custody battle will be bad for you. So I GUESS I’ll just leave you alone to deal with your pain, questions, loneliness, depression, identity confusion, and all of that on your own because your moms want it that way. If it were up to me, you’d know about me from day one. My only mistake was not making my wants for you clear from day one. But I have to come from a place of love. And if I love you I’ll let you go. As much as it kills me, and as much as it could kill you for us to be apart, it would hurt you and your family more if we got the legal system involved. The lesser of these solutions is to let you go. I hate this. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done this to you. I hope you grow up to be okay with yourself. I’m sure you’ll be amazing and I hope to one day meet you as a fine young man or woman that you’ve become. I will always be looking out for you. I will always be thinking of you. And given the popularity of sites like this, I’m sure you’ll often be thinking of me too. There’s so much more on my mind but I just can’t sort it all out. I don’t want to sign you away. But I guess we will see on the delivery date.
Love,
Ijustwanttoloveyou