Happy Father’s Day!

Yesterday was a major day for me but only internally. This past year I discovered and met my half sibs for the first time, so I feel like this past year has been sperm donor themed as it has affected my life most this year. Anyway, I am not sure if I consider Father’s Day a bad day or a good day of the year. It was a bad day in a sense of frustration. I spent the day searching the internet as I often do, with my small amount of non-identifying information that only leads to dead ends. I scrolled through my instagram feed full of my friends and their fathers, and I asked myself the never ending question of “why me? why is it that I don’t get to know my father?” I think one of the worst parts was that my mother’s father died several years ago so she told me that she made plans for us to go to lunch with her friend, who’s father also died, and that we could have lunch together because we all “don’t have fathers.” All I could think was “my father is not dead, you decided I would not have a father, so if you’re comparing my father to your dead father you basically killed my father.” I should admit I hold some internal resentment against my mother. The good parts of father’s day came from gratefulness. Although I don’t have a present father in my life, I felt extremely grateful that I have my life and my half siblings. I also felt an eternal feeling of hope. This hope is eternal because if I stopped feeling this way I think I would breakdown. This hope if for one day finding my father. I can’t accept nor imagine dying without ever meeting him. I also felt love, a love that is unexplainable. I love my father, which is crazy because I feel some anger and frustration towards him. I can’t explain exactly why I love him, I just do. I pondered the thought of how he spent father’s day and it was full of questions. Does he have children of his own? Does he ever think of us, especially on father’s day? Does he know we exist? Does he want nothing to do with us? Did he only donate for the money? Does he feel any love for his possible offspring the way we feel love for him? Anyways, I hope he had a good Father’s Day and that he thought of or imagined us.