Feelin weird….

I had a single mother by choice, she has been the only mom I know and the only person I will accept as my parent. she had no issues telling me that I was conceived by a donor and although it was ‘normalized’ for a moment, as I grew up with questions about my origins it wasn’t as normal any more…

I look at history, and there are dads, I look at wildlife, there are dads, I look at society and there are dads. Dads are everywhere, maybe its media but I feel like I’m missing out. I feel like I will never know what it’s like to be in the arms of a man who loves me unconditionally in a innocent non-sexual way, and who will be my other half. I will never know what it’s like to bond with my other genetic parent, I will never know what it’s like to look at the rest of nature and know I was conceived the way I was suppose to be…you know, outside a science lab….and not on a dish to be shoved into a refrigerator.

But these feelings make me feel like I’m a bad child; I betrayed my mother, and some of her feminist friends who praise her for being a single mom, and not taking help from a man . On TV the Cryo Generation seems just fine, and because they aren’t screaming out “I want a dad!” I feel as though my feelings are invalid and selfish. But then I think “shouldn’t kids’ feelings come first?” But then I think “no because our parents made us, so we should always be grateful for whatever they do.” But then I think “that’s not fair, why bring a kid into the world just so you can be happy?”. But then I think oh shit, I’m being selfish and betraying my mom again!

She’s nice to me, yet she made my dad anonymous on purpose so I could never find him, even though she had both a dad and a mom, and she’s even close to her dad. Do you know what it’s like to hear her stories about the awesome dad she had, and all the great things she did with him, that I will never have? It burns. It burns so hard I can’t talk because I choke.

I can’t say I’m for or against sperm donning, because I guess some kids don’t mind… but what people tend to forget is what about the kids who do mind? Do we matter? Why should our childhood and our feelings be sacrificed, so our folks can have the parenthood experience of their dreams? I thought parenting was about the cute babies, not the parents.. I just feel weird about it. I’m sure Im just some terrible daughter and I probably don’t matter… I mean, if I did, my dad would probably want to see me, but whatever. My dad is a stranger, who jacked off to woman-trashing porn, and sold his sperm to a woman he doesn’t know on the Internet, for sixty dollars. Thats the dignity of my conception, two strangers exchanging money for ‘materials’ over Craig’s list, and that’s all I will ever know about him.

FYI it burns like hell….