A Weird Kind of Closure

I’ve written on here before, when things first got complicated and messy, when I found my biological father by using Google along with the information he shared on his donor papers. Last time I wrote my story, it was one of me freaking out because I had found the man that is the reason I am who I am today. I’s been a few months since I found out, and honestly not a day goes by where I don’t pause and wonder if he thinks about the children he created like me. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of messaging him. Some say it’s wrong to break the peace, but I just needed closure. I needed to make sure that at least he knows that I exist. He gets to know my name. He gets to know what I look like. He gets to see it all for himself the way our noses match up, how our smiles are alike, how visually similar I am to him. I’ve known who my not so anonymous donor has been for a few months, and he deserved to know that I exist. Last night I came to that conclusion and sent him a message through Facebook. I thought that would be perfect because if he saw the message and didn’t respond, I could at least see that he saw it and grasp the fact that he does not want to know me. I thought that if he received the message and was more curious, he would have the ability to scope me out and see who I am through my profile. Either way, I would have the ability to gain closure, I wouldn’t have to wonder forever. I thought that plan was so fool-proof, except for the fact that I never thought through how I would feel if he never opened the message. It’s been almost 24 hours and the message has still gone unopened. It leaves me at a confused point, not knowing what this means or how I should feel about it. It’s just so ridiculous that this was never considered before I was brought up into the picture, the idea of a child wanting more than anything to know who the other half of her family tree is. I guess that’s something my mother didn’t see as a road block along the way. I just want him to open the message, to understand that I care about his privacy and respect his wishes, but hope mostly that he reacts positively. So much has happened in the past 24 hours and I am not sure how to feel about it at all, but I just want to make sure that other donor conceived offspring in a similar situation that know who their donors are can understand that no matter what, all of this information is no longer a weight on my shoulders. Sending that message felt great, the ball is now in his field and whatever happens will happen. I don’t have to live thinking, “what if I had the courage to contact him?”